❤️ Grandma ❤️

Tuesday / May 5, 2020

Angel on the sky,

I’m writing this with tears in my eyes. I know you would absolutely hate to see me like this but I just miss you so, so much. I think of you every day and every night. I’m looking for signs that you’re somewhere near all the time. Some days I feel like I have it together pretty well, and some days, well, I fall apart a little bit. Just a little bit, don’t worry!! I promise, even on days like these, when I feel absolutely heartbroken, I try to push myself to fight, and to be better, in every way possible. Because of you. For you. You’re the reason. You’re the source of my strength when I feel like I have non of it left. Because you were the one who always believed in me. I remind myself of that every single day. You were the one who never doubted me. You were both, a mother and a father to me. I just love(d) you so much. I love(d) you as a person, not just because of the fact that you were my grandma. You were everything that I admire in other people. Your heart, your soul, your mind, everything was so pure about you. And your hands, oh so, so warm. I’m trying hard, I promise I am. But it’s not easy. It’s hard, extremely hard. I feel the need to talk to you and hear your soft voice telling me that it’s gonna be fine. I don’t believe it when someone else says it, I do feel bad for saying it but I just don’t. Those words would only calm me down when you were the one telling them. The entire world could come together and shout at me telling me that ‘it’s gonna be fine’ and I still wouldn’t believe it. Because the entire world doesn’t mean to me as much as you do. The entire world doesn’t know why I need those words so badly; you do. I will keep trying to be the best version of myself every day so that I can continue to be your favorite granddaughter. It’s nice to know that I was your favorite because you were my favorite too. And truthfully, you will always continue to be; no matter how far away from me you’ve gone.

Wherever you are, I hope you’re in peace.

Don’t worry about me.

I love you and I miss you beyond words.

♡ Albesa

Positive responsibilities

[9:00 PM / Thursday / February 28, 2019.]

Feeling like you’re not good enough? 

Thinking we’re not good enough has become easier than ever. We’re surrounded by unhealthy ideas and unrealistic expectations all the time, coming from people, social media, tv shows or food. In order to improve the quality of your life, taking care of your surroundings is a must. Pay attention to what kind of information you allow your mind to believe. Distance yourself as much as possible from everything that damages your well-being in any way. Understand that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. Be open to trying new things, especially the ones you don’t feel good enough for. I understand how scary this may sound but fear is mostly the product of our exaggerated imagination which is often way more upsetting than the reality itself. What happened before can’t be changed, you can only learn from it so live with your past, not in it. Appreciate your time and energy. Don’t belittle the qualities that you own. Eliminate lowering your standards for a temporary distraction that you’ll probably regret at some point. Choose/decide not to pay attention to unhealthy thoughts and ideas by instantly replacing them with some positive ones. Focus on what’s right in your life, I’m sure there are quite a few things you (unconsciously) take for granted. Be very, very grateful. Be consistent; put in the work required for that improvement you want for yourself. Ask for help.

And my dear people, don’t take words so personally. It’s not always you the one who sucks. The way people make you feel about yourself says a lot about how they feel about themselves.

Love, Albesa 

Kindness is never a bad idea

[3:19 AM / Sunday / November 18, 2018.]

Staying up late, my dear beautiful friend… I catch myself watching a movie, completely ignoring the fact that it’s past midnight, and that I should sleep. I’m wide awake instead,  inspired by unrealistic movies, dreaming, planning, thinking. Now all of that would be completely fine if I wasn’t that one person who usually becomes a complete mess if they don’t get enough sleep. I’m a morning person (yes, I know what you’re thinking, haha!), I like waking up early and starting my day right so if I wake up after noon, I spend the rest of the day feeling lost, and I really, really don’t like that. I suffered from some major anxiety attacks this past week. It was very scary because it would happen right before I would go to sleep, just like it used to happen last year when my depression and anxiety were at the highest point ever. I’ve learned so much, I’ve grown so much and I’ve improved so much so after all of the hard work that I’ve put into improving my life, of course, I got terrified of losing all of that, and going back to my old, very, very unhealthy state of being. I went to therapy two days ago, as I’ve been going every week for the past couple of months and my dear therapist told me something that really opened my eyes. She asked me about how I spent my time and how/why would my anxiety appear. I told her that a lot of the things that I saw reminded me of some painful moments from that past and that those painful moments would run through my head making me feel miserable. Then she asked me; ‘what do you do when those thoughts appear?’ ‘I try very hard not to think about the past and I try to stop those thoughts by getting up and doing something else’- I responded. ‘That’s exactly the problem, Albesa, you want to run away from your anxiety. You have gone through those painful moments and whether you wanted it or not, they’re a part of your life, a part of who you are, they’re gonna come into your mind sometimes. So instead of trying to run away from those thoughts, go through them again for a few minutes, give your anxiety some time to exist. Be nice to your anxiety, communicate with it and it will leave you alone.’ Yes, it’s almost 4 AM, I should probably go to sleep but you know what? I’m not afraid today. And you know why? Because my anxiety will not hurt me if I let it express what it has to express. I’m gonna take a deep breath, and I’m gonna be a little kinder to that part of me.

Kindness is never a bad idea.

Good night 

Love, Albesa 

Blessings, beautiful thoughts and taking care

[12:47 PM / Friday / October 5, 2018]

I’m sitting in the backyard of my house while I’m writing this. It’s a warm sunny day and I’m feeling beyond blessed. Blessed that I’m healthy, improving, growing and learning every single day. Blessed that I have two homes, one in Kosovo, where I am at the moment and one in Croatia, where I live. I’m in peace, surrounded by beautiful mountains, fresh air and wherever my eyes go, it makes me feel something meaningful, it makes me realize how much I love it. My grandparents were born and raised here, my parents were born and raised here, my older brother and my older sister were born here, and I, I grew up coming here; coming for that fulfilling joy of feeling at home. There’s so much to come back for: my home, my family, hearing everyone speak my mother language but feeling like I belong somewhere is something completely different and it doesn’t really compare to anything else. I have been feeling pretty much okay, I’ve had my ups and I’ve had my downs and I accept it all. I have been trying to be as gentle with myself as possible and it’s an incredible thing to do. My therapist told me she was proud of me and it’s an amazing thing to hear because I know I’ve been trying hard, in every single aspect. I feel stronger and healthier. I’m surrounded by people who I truly love, however that doesn’t mean that I’m always gonna get along with them. People have their own ways of feeling which means that there will be things we don’t feel the same about. What we can do is take care of ourselves by doing what feels right for us and respect what feels right for others, even if we don’t understand it. Talk things out, be honest and let the energies guide you. Listen to your body, give it what it needs and take care of your mind by eliminating unhealthy ideas and thoughts. Talk to your inner persona and ask it to treat you better, it sounds crazy but it really works. Train your mind to reject ugly thoughts about yourself and replace them with some beautiful ones. Understand the background of your feelings, understand the roots of your problems and don’t be hard on yourself. You’re doing so much better than you think. This is something that was on my mind when I woke up so I thought it would be good to have it written here. A longer story is coming soon. Until then, take care of yourself!

Greetings from Kosovo!

Love, Albesa

Good or bad? (only time will show)

[12:40 PM / Sunday / June 22, 2018]

I’ve been wanting to take some time, sit down and write for a few days now and I’m finally here thinking about all of the things I want to mention in this story. I want to talk about my journey so far. I’m talking about my health, my growth, my development and stuff like that. I’ve been writing about my journey ever since I started this blog (which I like to call journal because that’s basically what it is). I’ve written stories while I was feeling low, I’ve written stories while I was feeling much better and it shows nothing more and nothing less than the raw reality of dealing with emotional pain. There are some absolutely awful days when you feel like you’re dying, which is probably one of the most terrible feelings a human being can feel, and there are brighter days when you actually dare to imagine yourself living a happier life. There is this thing in the human brain that is called imagination. The thing with imagination is that it’s one of the biggest liars ever. Now, why am I saying this? Because the negative things we imagine in our head are mostly not true. Everything we spend the night thinking about is most likely not that big of a deal as it seems to be. We stress so much about things we’re not sure are even going to happen, we overthink about opinions of people who know nothing about us and in the end what we do is hurt ourselves because we take our imagination way too far, we take it deep inside of us and let it become a dark piece of our daily life. Let me tell you my college story one more time. I applied for college back in 2016. even though I knew I wasn’t mentally prepared for something like that because it requires a lot of effort, time and focus. Being an unhealthy person (depression, anxiety, sleep disorder, eating disorder…) it was impossible for me to dedicate my time and my energy to all of the studying I had to do. I went to college for a year, I passed a few exams and came to an end of the first year. When the final exams came, I knew that was the end of my college journey, I knew I couldn’t push it any further. I didn’t know how to tell my parents who knew nothing about my struggles. June 2017. was probably one of the darkest months I have ever lived through, my depression, my anxiety and my overthinking made me suffer to the point where I really wasn’t sure if I could make it to another day. I couldn’t study, I couldn’t read, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t sleep. I would spend my days (nights)  watching movies because it would help me forget about my struggles for a little bit. The clock was ticking, exams were coming and I was getting worse. One night, I burst into tears and told my parents I had to leave college which was devastating for them way more than it was for me. I told them I tried because of them and I told them that I couldn’t push it any longer. Something I never thought I could do, something I spent nights and nights thinking about happened. I left college. Me telling my parents about it, me actually not going back to college, it was all way worse in my imagination. It felt terrible in reality, it wasn’t an easy thing to deal with but the image was so much worse, it caused me so much pain and it wasn’t even real. Here I am, one year later feeling one thousand percent better, feeling like a completely different person, much better and much healthier. And who would have known? Back in 2017. leaving college seemed like the most terrible thing that I never wanted to happen but one year later, when I see how much my life has changed, I’m thankful for that decision, I admire myself for leaving something that was causing me even more pain than I was already dealing with. The point of this story is that you never really know if something is good or bad. You just don’t. You don’t get that answer right away, you have to let time pass and show you what was meant for you and what was not. I got my answer one year later. Leaving college which back in the day felt like the most terrible thing ever is one of the best decisions I have ever made. I’m in a much better place now, not torturing myself, I’m much healthier and I feel better about life in general. While becoming healthier and trying to improve the quality of my life out of college, I got a job which helps me be financially stable, I regulated my sleep, I do what fulfills me almost every day and the best part of it is that I got the chance to rethink and realize that I actually want to study something else. I studied journalism which is great but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. All the hardships that I went through made me realize that journalism wasn’t the best option for me otherwise I would have found a way to keep fighting, right? Life is unpredictable and things are never as bad as they seem. Try to look at things as if they were people. You can’t just look at someone and assume that that the person you’re looking at likes extra cheese on their pizza without even having talked to them, ever in your life. You don’t know that person, you don’t have experience with that person and it’s the same with things in life. You don’t know if something is good or bad, and just because you think a certain way it doesn’t mean they are really like that. The best way to get to know if something is good or bad is to try, see the result of your actions and see how it affects your life. I tried going to college, the result wasn’t good and it affected my life negatively. These are the three things that are enough for you to leave. Leave for the better, improve your life, create a new plan and follow it. While creating a new plan, make sure you know that plans are never easy and smooth so prepare yourself for some possible adjustment in the process. Remember that it’s easier to change the plan than to give up and keep being a miserable person. No change is as hard as going to sleep knowing you disappointed yourself as if you were your own biggest enemy. Think about what you want and go for it. Your life is a reflection of your mindset and your decisions. It’s never too late and it’s never as hard as we think it is, but in order to see that, the first thing to do is try. Always remember your vision and don’t get discouraged so easily. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. Life can be so much different a year from now but it only becomes different if you make changes. The power is in your mindset and it’s you who has to realize that and finally start using it.

Leaving college is not the worst thing in the world. The idea of me leaving college caused me so many negative emotions because I come from a family who didn’t even get the chance to go to high school, let alone college. I thought my parents would think I was being ungrateful and lazy. I thought my parents would be disappointed and never get over it. I was feeling the pressure to keep going to college because my parents never got the chance to do it. But we are not our parents, and no matter how much we love them, we have to think about what we want because we are the ones who know our deepest selves and we are the ones who know what can make us truly happy. Your parents might get mad in the beginning but they will eventually get over it. When they see you doing what you love, they’re going to be happy even if they disagreed in the beginning. Do your thing and don’t worry, it’s not that bad! 

Love, Albesa

Growth, gratitude, and improvement

[2:09 PM / Sunday / June 17 2018]

Here I am once again, starting a story without really knowing what I’m gonna write. I’m not worried about it though, the stories that I write without planning them turn out being the most relieving ones. Anyway, let’s start. I don’t like the fact that I haven’t written in so long. Actually, I have written a bunch of stories but they’re kind of all over the place. I own way too many notebooks and each of them contains small bits of stories that I started writing in another notebook. I’ve been quite confused these days. I don’t really know how I feel anymore and I truly mean it when I say it. Things have not been getting better or worse, they’re kind of the same most of the time. I got used to my new, work life, routine and I like it because I finally feel like my life makes sense, at least a little bit. When it comes to work, I must mention that I’m doing pretty good however, I know I haven’t been trying my hardest. I’m not gonna start with excuses, I’m just gonna say that I’m gonna work harder and be even more content with my work. A month and a half have gone by since I started working and, oh boy, time goes so fast! I got my first ever salary which felt so strange because I felt like a real adult for the first time in my 20 years of life. Since I’m talking about work, let me mention that I told my manager about my anxiety problems. I had to do it because she asked me why I never ate in the kitchen where all of my colleagues eat. Her answer was the answer that I was expecting; ‘it’s all in your head.’ So many things were going through my mind at that moment. When I came home, one of the things I wrote down in my notebook was this one: ‘people tell me ‘it’s all in your head’ without realizing that that’s exactly the biggest problem people like me deal with. We suffer because it’s in our heads, it’s us who have to live with it day by day. It’s us who have to fight with it day by day. It’s me worrying about every little thing around me, it’s me that I’m afraid of what will happen tomorrow. If those thoughts about me were in someone else’s head, I wouldn’t spend a single minute worrying about it, trust me.’ I can’t remember if I’ve ever written anything more truthful than that. I don’t think I’ve ever agreed with myself more. I have realized one more time that people don’t understand the struggle that anxiety and depression bring, neither do I expect them to anymore. I remember describing it in a few words and it just never worked. My pain, my struggle and my fear, they were always belittled, which only ended up causing me even more negative emotions. I’m okay now, I really am. I’m aware of everything, I’m trying not to think about anything that makes me unhappy, I’m trying to improve the quality of my life. I have a few plans that make me happy just thinking about them so I’m gonna work on those. One of the best things you can do for yourself is keep yourself busy with the things that fulfill you so choose a few things you would like to do more and every time you have some extra time, do one of those things. Spend your time in peace, spend your time away from places/things that remind you of rough times, disappointments, a broken friendship or a broken relationship. Work hard on creating a new, healthier surrounding that will make you feel like a new person which has nothing to do with who you were or where you’ve been in the past. You have the right to start over anytime you want, you have the right to make changes and make the most out of your time while you’re still alive. You have the right to do the things that people disagree with as long as you know that the option you’re choosing is the best option for you. Cherish the things we usually take for granted, cherish your health, your family, friends, food, your roof over your head. Gratitude, compassion, and positivity are a way of life, it takes some time to learn to live like that but once you’re there, you’ll realize how simple some things can be if we don’t makeup things in our heads. Let people know how much they mean to you, be that one ‘annoying’ friend who keeps saying ‘I love you’ all the time. If that’s a part of you, don’t hide it. I tell my cousin/best friend I love her at least 5 times a week because I really do and when that thought comes into my head, I express it. Acting cold or emotionless is not really my thing neither do I think it’s cool or funny. Emotions are meant to be expressed otherwise you’ll kill yourself way before you’re really dead. Oh, yeah, let me end this story with some nice things. I feel like I’ve grown even more since I’ve started working. I acknowledge every little bit of my progress and it makes me extremely happy. I’m also continuing my therapy very soon which is absolutely awesome. I’ll be out of the dark room sooner than I know! My goal for this month is to keep this positive mindset and keep moving forward. That’s basically it, I don’t think I have anything left to say at the moment. I’ll definitely write more in the future, I’ll try at least once a week. We’ll see, no worries, no pressure. My dear people, I wish you a good time and a healthier life. Work hard on yourself, achieve what you want to achieve and stay humble. And to all the hardships, heartbreaks and disappointments, it’s time to say goodbye. We’re all leaving you behind.

We got this.

Love, Albesa

The surprises that life brings

[7:46 PM /  Saturday / May 19, 2018]

It’s been over a month since I’ve last written anything. It’s so strange that you feel like nothing is really happening but when you look back, you have so many things to write about and that’s exactly why, all of a sudden, I feel the urge to express myself and mention everything that happened. I want to start by saying that it’s true when people say ‘your life can be so different a month from now’. It sounds like a cliche and quite unbelievable but here I am, a living example that life can change and that patience does pay off. About a month ago, I was laying in bed, probably swearing out of madness caused by the pain I was feeling in my leg. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t stop being bitter about life. Basically, I wasn’t in a good place, neither physically or mentally. It was around 4 PM when my sister woke me up telling me she had a job for me. I woke up and asked her ‘how dare you wake me up’ and she told she would never wake me up if it wasn’t important. And she wasn’t lying. She got offered a job which she couldn’t accept being a fulltime student so she asked me if I wanted to try. The chance was too good and knowing that I had to make changes in my life, I decided to try. I was scared and overwhelmed but I made it. I applied for the job, wrote a motivational letter and a week later, got invited for a job interview. I couldn’t believe that something good was happening. I went there, did the interview and left the company feeling like I did good but still could have done much better. I had zero expectations because I’m quite young (the youngest people who work there are college educated people in their late 20s) and even though I speak many languages, which is the most important part of the job, I didn’t want to have my hopes high and then end up disappointed. About 2 weeks had gone by when I got an email saying I got the job. I wasn’t at home by that time, my sister told me about it. I couldn’t believe, I thought she was joking. I left the company feeling like I could have done much better so the fact that I got the job was insane. Here I am a month later, writing this as an employed person who’s been busy trying to get used to the new routine. I wake up at 6:15 AM and get home and 6:15 PM. I don’t have a lot of free time so the first thing that I noticed is that time is so precious. I go to sleep at 10:30 so I try to be as productive as possible in those 4 hours. I even forget to check my phone, which I thought I was addicted to. Basically, life is much different than it used to be. I’m not running from my social anxiety anymore, I’m dealing with it on a daily basis and even though it’s hard, I see that I’m not dying like I thought I would. I don’t hear my family dramas that often anymore (which is so so so good!!!). I fixed my sleeping problems and I appreciate my time more than ever which is why I don’t deal with childish situations anymore. I’m becoming more responsible and more independent. No one has my back at work so I have to have it. The people around me are kind and nice but my anxiety doesn’t let me relax. I don’t really know how to talk to them first so I may seem self-centered or something similar. Even if they talk to me first, I feel like I sound stupid so I often don’t continue the conversation. I spend my lunch break reading books while everyone’s having lunch in the kitchen. I spent almost five years isolated, spending time only with people that I’ve known my entire life so now that I’m surrounded by a group of complete strangers, I hope I learn how to be around people without feeling like I’m gonna pass out. All in all, life is so much different than it used to be just a month ago. It’s hard but I’m extremely happy. I’m all about making changes because I know that good things happen and the work that we put in pays off. I know staying patient pays off. Majority of the people around me are super supportive and I’m so thankful for that. As a person who is extremely emotional, every single drop of support is welcome and it means so much to me. I want to continue creating myself, become a confident person and believe in myself and my abilities. I want to learn as many things as possible and then help others find their light in all the darkness they might have felt over the years. That’s basically it. There is more stuff that I would write about but I prefer to end this story with positive vibes. Keep going, keep trying and stay patient. Hardships are not forever and choosing to believe that you can change your life is the first step you must take in order to become a happier and healthier version of yourself. Never stop hoping. I root for every single one of you. 

We got this.

Love, Albesa 

Patience

[12:43 AM / Tuesday / April 10 2018]

While feeling low and fighting with emotional pain, I started considering patience a neccessity. Let me tell you why. Patience has saved me so many times. It has saved me from saying things out of anger, it has saved me from hurting myself and hurting the ones around me. More importantly, it has saved my sanity. It has made me stop and re-think and thanks to that, I made healthier and better decisions. I know there are people who are naturally a little temperament but I feel like patience is a quality that you can work on just like you work on some other skills, like riding a bike or dancing. I think it’s one of those things that can improve if you work on it hard enough. I know changing a part of your routine isn’t the easiest task in the world but the thing is that, the changes that are hard to make always turn out to be the most rewarding ones. I’ve always been a patient person but my patience wasn’t big enough back in 2013. when I first got anxiety and depression. I didn’t know how to deal with emotional pain since I had never experienced it before, it was scary, overwhelming and I felt like I was dying. I still struggle with emotional pain, however, I do have to say that nowadays I deal with it quite good since I’ve learned so many things over the years and one of them is how not to lose control. My way of dealing with depression and anxiety is isolation. I mostly rely on myself and my therapist when it comes to my depression. My best friends are also my big supporters and we’re always there for each other but since they have their own problems, my problems can get a little to much for them to handle which is why I prefer writing. I prefer being on my own when I’m having a hard time because it makes me search for solutions. My solution always happens to be patience. It could be that I’m under control of negative emotions which causes me pain and then what I usually do is write down what I can do to make it better. It’s always good to write about happy and beautiful things in life since those are the ones that make life worth living. While writing about those things, you actually remind yourself that not everything is as bad as it seems in those depressive hours. Writing down your goals boosts your patience levels because you imagine yourself in a better place than you are now and you actually want to stay alive to experience life from your imagination. And staying alive requires patience because life is not simple and we must learn how not to get hurt from every little thing that can happen. Not forcing things is also a form of patience. Be patient and see where things are going naturally, whether it’s about school, college, work, friendship or relationship. Forcing things that are clearly not functioning is not something you should insist on. It’s gonna make you feel exhausted because you’re not gonna get back that same energy you invest in other people. Try but make sure you know when to stop. Start working towards being your own priority. Patiently work hard and be aware that life doesn’t change overnight. Never stop creating yourself. Never stop learning things they never taught us in school. Life might be hard at the moment but remember that your life is gonna keep being the same as long as you keep doing the same things over and over again. Start changing your life by reading a book for example. I know that not everyone is a book person but the amount of knowledge and wisdom that is brought by books is amazing. They are a source of priceless information that can help you become a better/healthier person and are healthy for your brain which sometimes turns off after hours and hours of pointless scrolling your Instagram feed. Acknowledge what you haven’t developed yet and start working on it. Ask for help if you need to. Watch movies about it if you prefer that over reading books. Talk to strangers and older people. Just start somewhere. Become a better version of yourself, day by day. Work on your patience, take a deep breath when you feel like you’re going crazy, walk away when something makes you upset and don’t let that darkness take over you and make you do something you wouldn’t normally do. Acknowledge that not every situation requires your reaction. You can deal with things quietly, without causing any damage. 

The words written above are written based on my personal experience. I’ve learned that things that feel so far away are actually the things I can reach very fast if I start walking down the path of never-ending growth. 

Love, Albesa

It’s all good (ups and downs)

[6:30 PM / Friday / March 16 2018]

To be completely honest, I lose my inspiration quite often, especially when I feel down  for more than three days in a row. There is a lot of inspiration in the pain some of us experience but sometimes I just don’t want to write about it. Sometimes I just don’t want to give it so much attention. Then again, I love that I feel much better when I express my feelings through my stories, without having to talk to anyone or without having to worry if I’ve been understood or not. Emotions are worth writing about, good or bad, especially when you’re not really good at expresing them verbally, like me. It’s fine though. I don’t really have much to say, I had some really bad days, I had some better days but all in all it’s good that I always find a way to deal with everything. I’ve been doing more of what I love, which I had left behind completely. I feel much better because of it and I hope I continue like this. My advice for people who are struggling mentally is to spend time doing what you love. If you don’t have a problem with concentrating, read a book, little by little and then write whatever you remember about it. It’s good for your brain and for your mind. If a book doesn’t work, watch movies or tv-series, the ones that seem like you can learn something from. My leg has been hurt for the past five months and I can’t walk properly right now. I’m forced to stay at home which made me feel very miserable because I usually go for a walk every time I feel low. I go out and take some photographs of whatever catches my eye. I can’t do that right now so I took my camera and started taking photos of random things in my house. There are a lot of things I never paid attention to before and I never realized that until now. It helped a lot because it made me feel like I actually did something in my day, besides overthinking and making myself feel even worse. I also watched a lot of turkish movies which I’m completely impressed by. I also read 30 pages of a really good book the other day. I managed to focus and remember quite a lot from those 30 pages which made me extremely happy because it means that I’ve made some progress considering the fact that I couldn’t focus a few months ago when I had to study for my college exams which is partially why I was obligated to drop out and work on my mental health. I told myself I was gonna try to read more often from now on even if it doesn’t turn out the way I expect it to. What else should I mention? Oh yes, I cooked today. For the first time in a week which is unlike me. I usually cook every day but feeling low I had zero wish for none of these things until I told myself I had to stop spending my time like this. I made myself realize that I wasn’t gonna feel better by laying in bed and keeping my mind nowhere but where it’s not supposed to be. My dear people, try to get up and do something. Something small, just so you have something good to remember about today’s day. Step by step, day by day. Life is good when we manage to focus on the right things. Pain is not forever. Your wish to die is not forever. Stay alive and give yourself a chance to experience the joy of life, the joy of having your life together. Your past is not gonna be your future if you don’t let it be. Remember that life is gonna keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. What didn’t work once or twice is not gonna work the third time so start changing the smallest things in your routine. It’s gonna have a very positive effect on your life. Sleep enough and don’t stay up late. Eat food that is good for you so it doesn’t affect your energy and self-confidence. It’s gonna be fine, just keep going and keep fighting.

We got this.

Love, Albesa

A result of a sleepless night 2

[2:30 AM / Saturday / February 25 2018]

I feel like I’ve been thrown to the wolves. I feel like I’m dying as time is passing by. I feel my spirit getting exhausted from all the heavy weight it has to deal with. I feel my heart pounding like crazy because I’m stuck in this unknown zone. I call it ‘unknown zone’ because at this point, I know nothing about my life. Absolutely nothing. I don’t know where I’m going and where I’m gonna end up. I have better days but I’m not getting better. I have faith in the good but I’m so afraid of the bad. I’m terrified. I try so hard to keep myself busy, I really do. I waste my time effortlessly scrolling through the nonsense on the Internet just so I don’t have to think about my misery. This is not me. I see myself in the mirror but this is not me. I’ve never been a person who gives up easily. I’ve never been a person who likes to sit at home and do nothing productive all day. I used to be obsessed with the things that fulfill me. Walking around with my camera used to be a routine of mine. I used to see beauty everywhere, even in the things I saw every day. It didn’t matter, they were never boring. I used to go for a walk everytime I felt myself getting hit by my anxiety and it helped me a lot. I still do that but not as often and as much as I need it. I find myself looking for stupid excuses for not doing something that could help me. ‘It’s cold outside.’ ‘I’m tired, I haven’t slept in 30 hours.’ ‘I’m gonna do something productive at home.’ Who am I lying to? Who am I trying to fool? I know I’m not doing my best, I’m really not. It’s not an excuse but I know why. I get discouraged so easily. And since it’s so easy, it happens a hundred times a day. And that’s a really bad thing. Things that happen on a daily basis, even the smallest ones, they break my heart and they take my willingness away. I’m constantly reminded of things I want to forget. I want to forget so many things, yet I feel them spreading poison inside my body. It’s not my fault. A lot of things happened over the last four and a half years and I lost myself trying to find a way to deal with them. I haven’t found a way to deal with my emotions other than sitting at home feeling completely heartbroken. I have not used my tragedies as motivation like a lot of people do. I didn’t know how to live with them so I, unintentionally, let them dictate my life. It brought me nowhere but these curvy roads of doubt, fear and disappointment. I see it now. I see that I should have thought more about myself and less about everybody else. I see that I shouldn’t have thought that I could protect everyone. I shouldn’t have thought that I can force myself to forgive people for letting me down so badly. I should have said it a long time ago, that I’m hurt and disappointed, but I haven’t because I didn’t want to make them feel bad about their actions. Does keeping my mouth shut means I’m supporting their actions that have hurt me? Does that mean that I’m as guilty as them? My dear people, I have said it before but I’m gonna say it again. I have learned so much about myself and other people while being at my lowest. People are not gonna treat you right just because you treat them right. Such a thing has become rare a long time ago. Don’t expect people to care about you the way you care about them. People are afraid of letting other people into their life and the best way to prevent that is acting cold. You’re gonna meet those kind of people and I can guarantee you, that’s the case in most of the times. People get hurt and traumatized. They develop many fears such as meeting new people and getting let down once again. Fear of getting more personal with someone because they might use it for wrong purpose. Trust issues, self-doubt, pesimism and many other serious disorders ocurr. I must make myself act deaf and blind sometimes. I must do that so that I don’t see things that break my heart. I only want to feel alive from now on because I’ve been feeling dead for a long time now and I don’t accept that version of me. I hate it. Hate doesn’t have a place in my heart, never has, never will. I want my heart to pound like crazy, but from happiness and positive excitement, not from anxiety and depression. I want to beat this dark and toxic version of myself so that, one day, I can help others do the same thing. I want to prove myself that life can be beautiful even after being broken. I want to be an example to people who suffer like me. I want to give them hope and support to become healthy and happy again. I’m gonna put in work in myself and then work on getting the possibility to help others. I’m gonna achieve everything that I dream of and non of this darkness will ever stop me. It might make my heart break, but my spirit, never. 

Sending light, positivity and support to everyone who needs it. 

We got this.

Love, Albesa

Late night emotions, thoughts and imagination

[1:00 AM / Thursday / February 15 2018]

Sometimes it gets extra hard. Sometimes you feel like you can’t deal with anything anymore. The moment you start feeling like your chest is burning in a fire with no mercy; write, cry, scream, do whatever, just let it out. Let that painful monster get out of your chest so you can sleep peacefully, even just for an hour or two. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore, I don’t know if I know anyone I’m surrounded by, I don’t know anything. Sometimes I believe that I’m strong enough to challenge myself and see how I’m gonna survive and sometimes I just want to stay in this dark room forever. Actually, it’s not that I want to do that, it’s just what I know and what I’m apparently good at, considering the fact that I’ve spent here almost five years. My heart is broken, my mind is confused and my body doesn’t feel any better either. Every little thing hurts. Every single one. There’s so much damage in me. Is it my fault? Am I responsible for this? Will I feel better if I blame someone else for my pain? Will I ever go out and feel alive like I used to? Will I ever go out and not feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack? There are many questions but zero answers. Why am I even looking for answers? They won’t heal my broken heart anyway, they won’t make me forget about my dissapointments. You know, I talk to people and I laugh with them and I think about how happy I seem to be. I come home and I wonder; do people ever suspect that I’m not doing well? Not that it matters, it’s just something I think about sometimes. People are such good actors. People choose to get burned in their own fire of feelings rather than openly saying how they really feel. The fear of saying it out loud is incredibly strong because our expectations don’t always match the reality. The fear of not knowing what’s gonna happen next is terrifying and that’s why we accept this painful zone rather than all the hard work required for getting out it, which to a lot of people, often feels impossible. It’s not impossible, it’s really not. The walls we build around us are our biggest enemies, they’re not our protectors as we think they are. Those walls are stopping us from doing what we want to do. We have plans, we have ideas and visions when we close our eyes but once we open them, everything is gone. Why? Why do we choose to just stare at these walls instead of smashing them somehow? Why don’t we get along and help each other more? Why do we get laughed at for every little thing, even for having feelings? Sometimes I look at the world and all I see is a blank canvas. It’s sad because the world is super diverse you know, there are so many things to see, so many people to meet, so many songs to listen to yet non of that is done. What does the world want? What do I want from myself? Will I ever stop thinking about the world which I can’t control? Will I ever find peace and get out of the dark room? I’m afraid of not being able to hope anymore. I’m afraid of not being able to make my dreams my reality. I’m afraid of not being able to smash the walls I have built over the years thinking that they’re gonna protect me. We can’t hide. We can’t run away from life and what happens in it on a daily basis. The goal is to learn to control our emotions and live normally with them inside of us. The goal is to find peace and believe that you can have a nice life after all the pain you have experienced. Write, cry, scream, ask for help, do whatever it takes but never let yourself think that the walls you built are your forever. Your forever is so much brighter than the dark room with no windows. Your forever is what you see when you close your eyes and no matter how awful you might feel at the moment, you’re still gonna find a way to smash every wall that’s infront of you stopping you from walking away from all the misery. These walls are not you, this misery is not you, this pain is not you. You are what you love and what you accept. Do you accept this? Close your eyes and look at your happy self in your imagination. It feels good, right? Does it remind you of how strong you actually are? Keep your eyes closed and keep looking at your happy self while you passionately smash those walls and create a window which is gonna bring you light. Use that window as an exit from that dark room. Create a stage out of those bricks of pain and get up there. Take a bow, walk away, chase your dreams and live.

Open your eyes and do that. 

Love, Albesa

Becoming healthier

[10:10 PM / Thursday / January 25 2018]

I have chosen to change my life completely. I’m calmer than ever now that I understand that changing my life is entirely about me and my decisions. The things around me are gonna remain the same but it’s not about changing the things around me anyway, it’s about changing what I choose to focus on. I’ve been suffering from depression for four and a half years now and making changes after such a long period of time feels very scary. After all these years, I must say that I’ve learned to live with my pain, I’ve adapted my life to it and everything that’s not a part of it is terrifying. I’m afraid of trying something new, I’m afraid of the things I failed at in the past. I’m afraid of being disappointed in myself. I’m afraid of being defeated by my fears. I know that nothing is actually as bad as I think it is and to prove that to myself, I must break the ice of fear that’s stopping me from living my life. I want to start breaking that ice no matter what. I’ve had the idea that I’m wasting my life in my head for a long time now and I know I’ll have it until I make some changes. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my life and that’s why I’m trying to do everything that I can. The progress is slow but every small step is precious. I don’t want to feel guilty if getting out of bed is everything I feel like doing today, I’ve had days when I couldn’t do it because I just wanted to sleep my pain away. But I don’t want to do that anymore because that’s not the way to change my world. My world is not gonna change while I’m sleeping. It’s gonna be dark, unhappy and bitter until I do something to lighten it up. So I tell myself ”acknowledge your small steps and cherish them.” Small steps count too because they lead to big changes. Fear is a part of every journey but it should never be bigger and stronger than my wish to feel better. I’ve said this many times before; life will keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. Maybe the things I’m afraid of are the things that are life-changing. Every idea that is the opposite of every awful emotion that I feel on a daily basis is an idea worth turning into a plan. I tell myself ”follow your vision and your plan, focus on it and start doing it. It doesn’t matter if it’s 2 AM or 5 PM, make a change every time you feel that energy inside of you.” I must write down every positive thought that randomly comes into my mind. Today’s positive thought is valid and it’s encouraging. Today’s positive thought could keep me going tomorrow. Tomorrow’s positive thought could encourage me to try something that could change my depression-adapted routine. People rarely care about what I’ve been through or how much I’ve have struggled in the past. I want to give myself the support and applause I once expected from others. My goal is to learn to love myself and my life and to live in peace without having other people’s approval. ‘If you try hard enough you will succeed’; yes this is true but it’s only true when the situation is entirely about me. If other people are involved but not as interested as me, I want to learn when is the right time to stop trying. I have hurt myself way too much by trying to forgive, forget and find excuses for mistakes that were done by someone I truly loved. No matter how much I love someone, I know that distancing myself from those individuals is required when I know my goal is to be mentally healthier. While trying to make some progress, I must occupy myself with happy thoughts, occupy myself with things I love doing and overthinking about a broken trust is definitely not one of them. I must accept it, leave it somewhere behind and move on with my life. I must keep in mind that life is so much more than every negative emotion I deal with on a daily basis. I must carry that reminder with me everywhere I go. I must stay strong so that one day when I’m happy and content with my life, I can look back at everything I will have gone through and say that I’m there because I believed in my happy thoughts which became my reality.

I’m almost there.

Love, Albesa

You, your enviroment and making changes

[6:00 PM / Wednesday / January 17 2018]

We’re surrounded by so many people, so many things, so many options that we get lost trying to pick the best of everything. What is the best according to you? People surround themselves with so many other people. While trying to be in good terms with everyone, there’s a possibility you’ll end up having zero people you can call when you need someone to talk to. I’ve said this so many times but please be aware that no matter how nice you are, not everyone will like you. Be aware of the fact that you’ll never be able to please everyone. Write down people’s names and circle the ones who you can be truly honest with. Those are the ones who are worth it. Make sure you stay close only to those people who make you feel good. Make sure the people you’re surrounded by meet your standards of being a good friend. So, the best option according to me is to be friends with people who are there for you as much as you are there for them. Keep your circle small and appreciate the ones who never let you down. Make sure they know you’re thankful for them and that they can count on you anytime. If someone does something that damages your well-being, you have every right to distance yourself from them. Mental health and stability are priceless and no one has the right to take a piece of it from you. When it comes to money and material things, I try to save as much as possible and not spend my money on things I don’t need. For example: even though I don’t own a crazy lot of clothes, I still want to spend less money on it because I know I don’t need it as much as I buy it. I bought a lot of clothes in the past that ended up being worn only once or twice which is an unnecessary waste. I want to learn to manage my money better and not buy something just because I like it for a day or two. I’m teaching myself financial responsibility that way. I know I won’t always be able to afford something I will like and I don’t want to let that cause me negative emotions. I’m happy that I’m able to let it go and say ”It’s fine, I don’t need it anyway.” This proves that I don’t find satisfaction in material things more than I should which is a good sign. I’m learning every day. I’ve been appreciating time more than ever before because I spent so much of it not making any changes. I want to make a change every day now. A change that will help me feel better, live better and be a better person. It’s such a shame that we don’t see our possibilities and everything we’re capable of doing. It’s such a shame that we let our mindset us limits that in reality don’t even exist. It’s such a shame that we start to think we are what other people think of us. You’re doing good even when you think you’re wasting your time, you’re not to fat for that t-shirt, you’re not being lame when you’re being yourself. You’re so much more than your doubts. You’re so much more than an opinion of someone who doesn’t like you. People fail at different things many times but the key to success is not giving up. Fail, stand up, try again. Every failure is a lesson. Don’t judge yourself based on your past mistakes. Accept everything that happened and move on. The thing is that we change so much every day that we don’t even realize. We come to the point where we say ,,I’m not even that person anymore”, and it’s so true. You’re not your mistakes and everything you could have done better. I haven’t done big mistakes that haunt me but I do have some things I wish I could have done better. It’s fine I say. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t go back and change anything. What happened, happened. The point of your mistakes is to teach you things you’re not gonna do next time you find yourself in a simmilar situation. Pick the good things such as patience, tolerance, optimism out of everything bad. Those things are priceless. They can’t be given, they can’t be bought. They can only be found within you if you want to. If you can change something, do it. If you can’t, accept it and move on with your life. There are many things waiting for you to open your eyes while you’re sleeping and dreaming about changing something that can’t be changed.

I hope all of this makes some sense. Take care of yourself and the enviroment you’re in. We got this, my dear people. 

Love, Albesa

A list of to-do things (kind of)

[11:37 PM / Monday / January 1 2018]

Another year of ups and downs is over. I thought about it a lot and it really was full of ups and downs, pretty much unstable to cut it short. I lost a lot of things and I gained a lot of things. Not too bad but not too good either. Out of every year I survived until now, this one was the hardest one for sure. I made it, I kept going, I’m alive and that’s why I’m saying; not too bad. I’d like to share with you a few things that I told myself I’m gonna work on more in the future. Let’s start with this one; avoid negative energy the way you avoid getting hit by a car. It doesn’t matter if you suffer from any kind of mental illness or not, take care of the enviroment you’re in. If something feels off and you can’t do anything about it, stay away from it for your own well-being. There’s a reason why it feels off and from my own experience, I believe a humans intuition is almost always the best thing to follow. I tell myself; believe in yourself more. The way people see you is not the way you are, it’s how they are. What people think of you and the things you do doesn’t define you at all. Some people will think you’re lame, some people will think you’re awesome. But that’s totally fine, we can’t be loved by everybody anyway. The sooner we understand that, the better. I tell myself: be nice to people. Always treat people the way you want to be treated. Choose your words carefully and try staying calm when you’re under control of negative emotions. I tell myself: don’t compare yourself to other people. Don’t let other people’s success cause you negative emotions such as jealousy and self-doubt. Try seeing it as motivation instead. Let it inspire you and help you with your journey. How much you work for it is how much you’ll get it. It depends on none else but you. Another thing I tell myself: be your own best friend and don’t screw yourself. I’m saying this because I’m that person who always tries so hard to make everyone happy even if it means I have to let myself down. That is so wrong and irresponsible. It’s wrong and irresponsible because I try so hard to take care of my own well-being and then I do something that damages it. I must stop with that. I must set some limits. My advice for everyone including myself: let things go. Broken friendships,  relationships, dissapointments… Give yourself some time to go through it but make sure you don’t lose yourself in all the darkness. Accept things the way they are and move on. This includes people as well. If something you had with someone didn’t work once, twice or three times, it’s your time to finally get into your head that you’re no longer compatible with that one person you thought was the one, as a friend or as a lover, it doesn’t really matter. You can’t change anyone but yourself. You can’t keep thinking that ‘it’s gonna be different this time’ when the person you have a problem with doesn’t even see the wrongs they do to you. To keep yourself stable, stay close to what you love. People, places, hobbies. Spend your time with people who make who make you feel good, people who you can learn something from and people who inspire you. Go to places that make you feel happy you’re alive. Go to places where your hearts tells you to go. Do the things you’re passionate about. Whatever you do, make sure you do it with love. The last important thing I have to say: make sure you’re aware that you still have so much to learn. About yourself, about your family, about your friends, about strangers, about the world. There are so many good things you’ll discover that are gonna help you become the best version of yourself. Keep working on yourself and your personal development. Once you’re there don’t forget to help others get there too. 

I wish you love and light, my dear people.

Love, Albesa 

Good things about bad things

[10:45 PM / Sunday / December 10 2017]

Writing has always had a therapeutic effect on me. Wherever/whenever I’m down, I find myself reaching for my notebook and writing it all out. Maybe my notebook can handle my feelings better than someone who loves me and doesn’t want me to feel like this. It’s always hard to tell someone I’m not there yet, or that my well-being is still shaky  and unstable. I feel like they don’t ask me about it as much thinking I will be better the next time they ask me about it, and hearing I’m still not there must be as hard for them as it’s for me while saying that. I hate when people worry about me; in one hand I’m thankful that someone cares about me the way I care about them but in the other hand, I know everyone is  already struggling with something and hearing about my struggles and battles while dealing with their own is never pleasing. I know I feel so helpless when that same thing happens to me. I realized a long time ago that there are no words that can describe some feelings. There are no words that can give someone a perception of my feelings, or maybe I just haven’t found them yet. By the way people react to my words, I can tell they don’t understand how I feel which is completely fine. I’ve written it before and I’m writing it again; people don’t really understand something they haven’t experienced by themselves. I don’t know if it has to do with capabilty or something else, it doesn’t even matter at this point. I kind of lost my point in this story but I think you’ll get what I’m trying to say. I’m truly thankful for the people who take the time to check on me every now and then, not because I remind them of struggles all the time but because they remember it themselves. Knowing that someone listents to you is a nice feeling whether they understand what you’re saying or not. Just taking the time to ask me how I’m doing is more than enough. My younger sister often tells me; ”you always know what to say, you’re the only person I can talk to like this”, I don’t feel like I always know what to say but regardless, I’m so happy my words can help someone even just a little bit. I’m happy I’ve learned so much from struggling and that the things I’ve learned can help someone else find their path. I’m also happy that I manage to find something good in all of these bad things I often feel. It’s been almost a year of me writing about my life like this. It has helped me so much in so many ways. It has helped me with my sleep which is very bad, my peace that I definitely need, and mostly my words and expression. I don’t know where I would be right know if I had to keep for myself everything I let out on here. This blog comes the closest to what’s on my mind, my heart and soul. I can’t believe how much it helped me in keeping myself together. The best part about it; I opened up about everything and nothing bad happened which is often not the case while opening up to people. By nothing bad I mean it never made anyone stressed, worried or disappointed which is a possibility when someone is listening to me in person. To everyone who listens to me; please don’t worry about me. I will make it to so many more sunshines as long as I’m willing to try again everytime there’s a storm inside of me. I will keep trying until there’s a big colorful rainbow around my heart.

Please be aware of the fact that whatever you’re going through is making you learn and grow. Try taking your battles as lessons that are teaching you a lot of good things such as patience, self-growth, tolerance, being more open-minded and being more mature than you ever thought you could be. Those qualities are very important for your future self and they are also very rare. Once you get there, you’ll look back and say; ”It was painful as hell, but I’m stronger than ever now. Thanks to everything I had to face, I became my own champion.”

Love, Albesa

A result of a sleepless night

[7:52 AM / Monday / November 27 2017]

I’m starting this post without really knowing how it’s gonna end. I just want to write something because my chest is starting to feel a little heavy. I haven’t slept all night, a little because of my messed up sleeping schedule, a little because of my anxiety that usually kicks in before I put my phone down right when I’m about to sleep. I’m getting better though, I’m excited about occupying myself with what is good for me. I’m not a professional when it comes to mental health, I don’t always have the right words to say to a person who is dealing with something hurtful. I’m not sure if I can always console another person and make them feel better about a certain situation. What I do know is that I understand people more than ever. Being depressed all my teenage years made me learn so much about humans, how it all works, why it works like that and, of course, how to stop it. I’ve watched so many videos, documentaries and tv shows, I’ve read so many articles and books trying to find answers to my question which was ”how do I get out of this”. How do I stop suffering so much, how do I stop letting every single thing hurt me. The thing is that over the years we create a certain image of everything and everyone around us. The image we have is what we believe is truthful and once we find out we’ve been fooled by our own selves and others, it’s a big thing to deal with because you pretty much feel like your entire life was a lie before you actually saw the truth. We all expect big things from ourselves which we may not achieve at the same exact time we want to. That exact thing happened to me. The image I had of some things were so perfect and once I got to see the truth it broke my heart into a million tiny pieces and four years later I’m still on that same boat picking up those tiny pieces of my broken heart. I’ve been disappointed, hurt, lied to, fooled, left behind. I was dealing with multiple eating disorders at the time when it all started. I had noticed becoming anxious because of the way I thought / saw about myself. To cut it short, I became an incredible mess. I couldn’t deal with myself and how I felt all the time. Years after, I’m here writing this post knowing that to this day, no matter how I’ve felt, I’ve survived 100% of those awful days. From the absolute worst ones, to those a little bit better ones and to these ones right now when I feel smarter than ever. More hopeful than ever and more mature than ever. It’s good to know that even though I’ve been depressed most of my time over the last four years, I still managed to get up and live through everything. Depression took a lot from me. I islolated myself which is why my ‘friends’ gave up on me (I’m actually thankful for this because, in my opinion, a person who is not there for you when you’re at your worst can’t be your friend), I failed my driving test so many times because I couldn’t focus and drive properly which made me question if I’m even capable of driving. I was forced to drop out of college because I couldn’t study for all of my exams, which was a huge disappointment for my parents who are the ones I love and cherish more than anyone else. I was forced to deal with the thought of being ‘stupid’ for a little while, until I got profesionally diagnosed with depresson and anxiety which explains why my concentration drops all of a sudden or why I can’t sleep when I need to sleep. Depression either makes you sleep too much or it either takes your sleep away which happened to me. No sleep, no concentration, no nothing. All you do is just overthink, worry and stress. How is a human being supposed to function like that? Study with zero concentration? Drive with zero concentraction? I’m actually thankful I haven’t gotten my license yet because to be fair, my depression could take over me any time which means concentration drop which could lead to a car accident and that’s definitely not how a mature person acts. If you know you’re not in a state for something, just don’t do it. Don’t risk things getting even worse than they already are. Stay patient and smart. I know it’s hard to deal with things, I know it’s hard to deal with your ‘failures’. Remind yourself that depression is not something you choose, which means that you didn’t choose to fail at anything. Remind yourself that you’ve gained so much from being hurt, you’ve proved yourself that at the end of the day, you can still close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and just remind yourself that you’re still alive. To me, that is a strong person. A person who keeps going, a person who keeps hoping and fighting for their progress in life no matter the fact that they’ve been broken for such a long time. I wish I could express how much love and hope I have for people who struggle to live normally yet they make it to another sunshine every single day. If you’re one of those people, let me tell you that I’m proud of you. Never stop working on yourself, never stop hoping and never think of yourself as ‘not good enough.’ You’re so much more than just enough. I’m not sure if there’s such a thing as perfect timing but if there is one, yours is about to come. Everything you thought you would never achieve will come to you, just stay patient and keep trying. Chin up, keep going. We got this.

My heart broke down into a million tiny pieces of pain, but I’m picking up pieces of hope now.

Love, Albesa

Romantic relationships mixed with personal issues

”You’re 20 years old and you’ve never had a boyfriend?!”; that’s how people usually react when I tell them I’ve never been in a relationship. I know most people my age have had plenty of relationships but that’s basically it. They had them but they don’t have them anymore. Big congratulations to those who made it, I’m very happy for them. Being young and wanting to fit in makes us do things we usually wouldn’t do and I think the same thing happens with having a boyfriend/girlfriend. A lot of young people (not only young people though) just want to have fun, experience different things they’ve never experienced before and just feel some kind of thrill I guess. Being raised in a conservative family, which I believe has had quite a big impact on me and my behavior, I’ve never felt the need to experiment with boys, girls, relationships and stuff like that. I’ve always known that by being in a relationship where there is no love, I would only disappoint myself by doing something I never thought was the right thing to do. I’m happy that I’ve always been aware of the fact that relationships established without love, trust, respect and equality are gonna end soon or later. Knowing that, saved me from hurting myself and someone else. I don’t think it’s fine to use someone else’s feelings for your own entertainment. Relationships are complicated and stressful when there’s no general connection between two people. I haven’t experienced it myself but I’ve seen so many people getting hurt because there was no communication and no connection in the relationship they were in. In my opinion, two people who are in a relationship must be comfortable with each other, be best friends with each other and feel the freedom to say how they feel or think. Breakups happen when people jump in it for the wrong reasons which are often these ones: loneliness, boredom, insecurities, pressure to do it because everyone else is doing it or pressure because they’re ”running out of time’… Some of those things are the things that an individual has to work on by themselves. Those are not the things that another person can make better for you. If you know you’re not in a really good place in your life, take the time to find something that’s not gonna make you feel bored when you’re alone. Take the time to work on what makes you insecure about yourself, take the time to learn how to be your own best friend when none else is around. It’s not easy but it’s definitely easier than expecting those things from someone else. None is gonna walk into your life and solve your personal issues. The other person probably has their own issues to deal with. When you feel complete with your own self, that’s when you know you can connect with someone else. The only time you’ll be yourself is when you’ve accepted yourself the way you are and you embrace yourself no matter what other people might think about you. So basically, before you rush into a relationship because you feel some kind of pressure, make sure you know that the consequences of your choices can lead to heartbreak, pain, disappointment, trust issues, and many other problems. Having personal issues, I don’t think you need even more issues to deal with. Be smart, there’s enough time for everything. Love will happen to you sooner or later, but I think it won’t happen until you’ve given love to yourself first.

Love, Albesa

You live for yourself, I live for myself

Yes, you live for yourself. Not for your mom, dad, sisters, brothers, friends or whoever comes to your mind. This is your life. It’s the only thing you can control as much as you want. I’ve always been the kind of person who likes to live their way. I don’t like rules. I don’t like to do things others want me to, such a thing makes me extremely anxious because there are things people want me to do that I don’t feel passionate about and doing things without love and passion has always resulted with failure. And I know it because I’ve been there and I’ve done that. I kept things to myself to keep others protected and it was a failure because it did so much damage to me. I felt fire caused by so many things burning inside of me, yet I had to act ice-cold so that people wouldn’t be worried about me. You know what? I don’t think I’m that ”protective” anymore. I look around and I don’t see a single person who does the same thing as me. I never do things expecting to get something in return but I don’t do things expecting to suffer either. I’m done. From now on, I want to make plans that are good and convenient for me without thinking about what others will think about it. That is not my problem. I don’t want to deal with that. I choose to free myself from that. It may sound selfish but, my dear people, we will never be able to please everyone. Never ever. There is no such a thing. What we are able to do is please ourselves. We must live the lives we want to, the lives that are results of our own decisions made with love and passion. My therapist once told me; ”Albesa, you’re acting like a superhero. You must never hurt yourself in order to keep someone else safe. That’s not the role you have in your life.” I thought about it a lot and yes, it’s true. I can’t save people from life and getting hurt. All of the things we go through are life. Sometimes they’re the consequences of our decisions, sometimes they’re not. What I’m trying to say is that we should make decisions that make us happy. Decisions that don’t bring hurtful consequences along. Decisions that give us hope, positive energy and something to look forward to. That’s the least we can do for ourselves. About what others do; we can have opinions but we can’t stop anyone from their decisions. The result of their decisions is going to hurt them more than anyone else but we can’t stop it, we can’t prevent it. We make decisions based on what we want and sometimes what we want is not the best for us but that’s not something we know while making a certain decision. If people knew something is going to hurt them, I don’t think they would do it. When people repeat their mistakes, when they keep doing things that hurt them in the past, they do it because they think that it’s gonna be ”different this time.” People will live, make decisions, make mistakes, get hurt, learn, keep going, be happy and more. I’ll figure it out, we’ll figure it out, they’ll figure it out. That’s why I choose to live for myself, I choose not to worry so much about what I can’t do. If my decisions hurt me, I accept it. I accept it as long as I know that I made those decisions thinking they were the best for me. If I did it thinking they for the best for someone else, then I choose to think that suffering is my punishment from the universefor not doing what I must to; taking care of myself and being my own priority. Stop thinking so much about others and give more love and attention to yourself. Care more about yourself. None else is going to do that for me. Or for you. That’s one of a kind thing that has to be done by ourselves and for ourselves. That’s our role in life.

You can do things for other people, of course you can. Just make sure they don’t make you unhappy. Make sure they don’t affect you in a negative way. Take care of yourself.

Love, Albesa

Wishing, hoping and fighting

I don’t ever want my rivers to stop flowing. I don’t ever want them to be lifeless. I want them to be as loud as a child screaming or as the alarm you set five times to make sure you wake up in time. I want my world to be a happy place, not a place where my pain sleeps. I have many wishes. All of them are related to peace, happiness, stability and health. That’s all I really want. Sometimes my wishes feel like something I’ll never have, something that is absolutely impossible. Sometimes my wishes feel like the wind that I can’t see but I can feel. I can’t see my wishes because I haven’t achieved them yet but I can feel them coming way. It’s strange and I don’t know if I’m making any sense. Everything feels strange today, every breath, every thought, every glass of water that I drink. Nothing that I write describes exactly how I feel. I’d say I feel like a mountain crashing down or like a volkano erupting, something like that. This journey is long and painful and I no longer feel the energy I used to feel. I no longer feel like I can keep up with my pain. Maybe it’s not about if I can or if I can’t, maybe it’s about the fact that I don’t want to. I don’t want to live in pain. I want to wake up not feeling the heavy weight on my chest. Who did this to me? Who is responsible for this? Could I have handled things better in the past? Was this really something I had to experience? There are so many questions in my head and honestly, I don’t even know why I’m looking for answers because I know I won’t find them. These questions won’t really solve anything so I better let them go, I better let them sleep somewhere in the back of my mind. I’m hopeful for the future. I’m hoping that someday soon, I’ll wake up in peace. I’m hoping that someday soon, my world will be a happy place like I want it to be. I’m hoping that someday soon, my days won’t be empty like today. I’m hoping while I’m fighting. I haven’t felt energetic in a long time but I know it’s somewhere inside of me. And I know it will come out when I’ll need it the most. Maybe it’s coming out every day but in small doses so that it can surprise me when I think there is non of it left. Let’s hope it’s that. My dear people, I hope I’ll have a story titled ‘I’m happy’ soon. Until then, try finding something good about my pain. For example, that it taught me patience and tolerance. Or the fact that I’m still here fighting for those good days. I’m not planning on giving up, that’s not one of my options. I hope it’s not yours either. 

Love, Albesa

Positive thoughts: it’s time to move on

I’ve gone through all of my posts recently and while reading them one by one, I realized I had so many ups and downs. Some posts are full of motivation and some of them are full of misery. I’m not really surprised because my mental health has been a rollercoaster for a long time now. Sometimes it’s just fine, sometimes it’s energetic and sometimes it’s miserable and dark. I know it’s impossible to predict the future but if I could, I would definitely consider predicting my own. One of the main reasons is because I worry about everything. Things that happened a long time ago, things that are happening right now and things that I don’t even know are gonna happen. I worry about every little thing, it’s hardly controlable. Things just get to me and instantly make me sad which is why I’m not emotionally stable yet. I’ve been wondering why does it happen to me and when did it start. I do have an idea that partly explains it but I’m not sure. My world used to be a happy place, a very happy place. Out of all the ‘friends’ I ever had, I must say that I was the one who was always laughing, telling bad jokes that somehow ended up being funny and just carefree. That was my world. When I faced real struggles like eating disorders, family problems that were not money related, my world crashed down, I got lost and all of a sudden, I had a lot of things to worry about. I became anxious, depressed, lost my ‘friends’ and stopped being the outgoing and happy-all-the-time person. It’s fine though. I want to share with you, my dear people, that I’m learning every single day. Learning about peace, about harmony, about growth and so many other things that are good for me. I’ve always been an optimist and that’s one of the things that have never changed. I did lose hope, I did lose motivation but deep down I always knew it would get better which is, I guess, what kept me going on. From now on, I want to write about progress, happines, future plans… I don’t want to write about things that happened it the past anymore. I know I’m still gonna mention some things because they are a big part of my life but I feel like it’s time for me to move forward and not pay so much attention to things I can’t change. I don’t want to worry about it anymore, I want to accept the things that happened, I want to accept my mistakes, other peoples mistakes and move on. I want to get my happy world back but in a much wiser and mature version. That’s my goal. I’m happy that I’m motivated for progress. I’m happy that I’m not doubting myself getting better. I’m more than ever ready to dedicate all of my time and energy to my health and growth. The time I spent crying because of my depression taught me incredible patience but now it’s time to give my all to getting out of the darkness that I got lost in a few years ago. It’s time for some light that humans tend to leave turned off after the bulb breaks. You can carefully replace the broken bulb and then turn on the light again. You can take your broken pieces and make something amazing out of it. My dear people, with a lot of love and a lot of hope, I am saying it again- one step at a time, we got this!

Love, Albesa

It’s up to you

I’m aware that literally everything that I write is somehow related to depression. It’s imporant for me to mention that depression and anxiety have changed me a lot in so many ways and even though I’ve suffered a lot I know I’ve learned a lot as well which I’ve written before. While being at my lowest and while not knowing what to do to help myself feel better, I got lost in trying to get better by talking to other people instead of talking to myself. Only now when I started my recovery do I realize that it was always up to me and that I’ve always been the only person who could change my life for the better because it was me who had to make life-changing decisions. I’m very thankful for every single invidiual who talked to me while I was down. I’m very thankful for every single individual who wanted to help me. Now that I’ve made some big changes in my life such as leaving college in order to get better, I realize how imporant it is to listen to yourself and your needs. I thought I could make it at college while feeling low but it didn’t work. It pushed me backward more than I could push it forward. I never thought I could make a decision like that because leaving school was unacceptable for my parents who didn’t even know about my depression until two weeks ago when I told them about it in the middle of the night. It does feel awful to see their faces while telling them so many sad things but I had to do it sooner or later. I opened up to my mom and dad who I never thought could understand my problems. I’m sure they don’t understand it but at least I have their support to start my regular therapy which I had to do a long time ago. I’m sorry that college didn’t work but I know exactly why it happened. It’s fine, I’ll try again when I’m ready. I’m happy because I finally helped myself. Now that I helped myself, I realize that I can’t help someone else. I can support their journey but I can’t help them in a way a person can help themselves. I can’t help someone else by making decisions for them just like none could do that for me. I know a lot of us have bad habits that are hard to leave behind, a lot of things we think we’ll never get over but we will have to. Life will keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. It’s not enough to just hope for the better. It’s not enough to just wish for the better. The thing that is enough is fighting for it while hoping and wishing. Things can’t get better by themselves because you’re the one who controls them. You control if you’re gonna let something go or stick to it even though you know it’s not good for you. If you want to change your life, you can. I never thought this day would come but my dear people, based on my personal experience, I’m more than ever sure that action is the only way to success, not matter what it is. I can talk to you day and night, I can give you whatever you want but unless you do that for yourself, it’s not gonna work. If you know something is not good for you, don’t force it. Whatever it is, don’t force it. Rather it’s friendship, relationship, college, work or whatever, if you tried and pushed it and it didn’t work, you know it’s time to leave. Don’t expect life to change by itself. It’s your life and it’s a reflection of your actions and decisions. If you don’t like that reflection, just know that you can always change it for the better, any day, any time. It’s up to you, only you. 

Love, Albesa

I’m not where I want to be, I haven’t achieved what I want to achieve but I’ve made decisions that will improve my life. It gets better. One step at a time. If you’re struggling like me, be patient and positive, we got this.

Explaining yourself and getting over it

I wish my pain could go away as fast as these cars that are effortlessly passing by. I wish my pain could go away as fast as the colors of the traffic lights. I wish my feelings were like a glass of water, but a glass of feelings instead, so I could break it, get rid of it and forget it ever existed. I wish, I wish… It’s a cold rainy day but it’s beautiful. It feels good to go outside, breathe some fresh air and let your thoughts go wherever they need to. No wonder it’s so peaceful, it’s almost 2AM and I’m outside walking around getting my inspiration from this much needed peace. It’s been rough lately so being on my own and writing about it when there’s none around does nothing but good to me. The wind feels like a friend to me, it feels something like a friend’s hand touching your back while they are hugging you. Is that strange? Maybe. Today I realized what I’ve learned from being depressed and here are a couple of things that I wanted to share with you my dear people. First of all and one of the most important things to keep in mind is this one; don’t expect people to understand you or your depression. I realized a long time ago that people usually have a hard time understanding something they haven’t experienced themselves. The second thing that I must mention is this one; while going through the worst time of your life, you’re gonna explain yourself so many times, you’re gonna get exhausted so many times and the worst thing about it is that you’re not gonna gain anything from it. Absolutely anything. There will be times when you’ll be called ‘lazy’ or ‘party-breaker’ and honestly, you’re just gonna have to get over it because there’s nothing much you can do about how people ‘portray’ the consequences of your mental state. The third important thing; you’re eventually gonna stop explaining yourself. You’re just gonna stop. Your energy for those kind of things will come to an end. You’re gonna be exhausted and you’re not gonna want to waste the energy that’s left in you on worrying about what people think but on your recovery. I know it sounds weird, but if you’ve experienced this, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about and if you haven’t yet, wait for it, it’s gonna happen sooner or later. The fourth thing; learn to stay patient, keep trying and be aware that better days are coming sooner than you think. We got this.

Love, Albesa

Midnight walks and thoughts

I feel like I’ve lost everything, even though I haven’t. Walking down the streets I’ve always walked doesn’t feel the same anymore. These streets give me an unknown feeling and maybe it’s because I’m not how I used to be. The night hurts. The nights are full of thoughts that I try so hard to stay away from yet I feel closer to them every single day. I have thought about the ways to feel better, ways to feel good again but no matter what I thought, it never sounded like a good idea. Things that I thought would help me, helped me for a second and they became black and white, just like a lot of other things in my life. Depression is something that takes away so much from you and the worst thing about is that you don’t even notice. Every day feels empty and the things that you usually enjoy sometimes don’t even have an impact. It’s been four years. Four long years of feeling like I’ve lost myself. Four long years of not knowing what to do with myself. I’m tired, extremely tired. I have learned a lot of things from this but I have also lost a lot. I lost sunrises full of positivity because I wanted to sleep my pain away. I’ve lost so much energy trying to escape from what has been haunting me. I’ve lost faith in what I believed was stable and real. I’ve lost but I’m still breathing. The night hurts and days feel empty but I’ve kept going no matter what. Is that what I gained? Did I gain energy from getting tired? Is there any explanation for what is happening to me? I’ve lost so much but maybe I’m still breathing because I need to discover that I’ve gained much more than I’ve lost. Maybe. 

Love, Albesa

Memories, struggles and making peace

Thirty days of vacation are over. It’s time to go back to real life which is in my case toxic and full of struggles. It gets better, it’s fine. About my vacation in my homecountry Kosovo, all I have to say is that there have been moments I’ll never forget. From basic walks around the village to amazing concerts full of positive energy. Lifetime memores have been made, I’m happy. There have also been moments when I couldn’t help myself with my sadness, not that something extremely sad happened there, it’s just the fact that no matter where you go, your struggles will follow you, that’s exactly what happened to me. I went to Kosovo to relax and give my mind a break away from my everday life in Croatia but I don’t feel like I got any of that. I must admit that I got tired trying to escape from everything. As I said before, wherever you go, your feelings will come along and that’s the worst thing ever because you hope, that somewhere away where things are different from what you see every day, you will feel better and hopeful. You do feel better but it doesn’t last. Your mind gets ”fooled” by the things you don’t see every day but once it becomes natural, you’re back to your everyday state. Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, now that my vacation is over, it’s time to face the struggles and make peace with them somehow. I hope the things that make me happy bring me strength and energy to keep going until it gets better. I believe in progress in every single aspect. Nothing can ever limit us more than our own mind. What we need to do is believe in whatever we want to achieve, whether it’s overcoming depression or getting two college degrees at once. The power of our beliefs is so much more powerful than our doubts, once you believe you can achieve something you want, you’ll feel unstoppable. I haven’t experienced that feeling yet but I’ve talked to some amazingly inspiring people who truly made me believe that a positive mindset is the key that opens every door. Those kind of people are the only ones you need in your life. Keep your circle small, work hard, stay lowkey, be nice, be careful and stay humble. The rest will come, sooner or later. 

All my love, Albesa

Explaining myself

There’s this one song called ‘Perfect’ by a band called Sum 41 which is hands down one of my favorite songs ever. I feel like I’m so under pressure to be good and kind all the time that I almost made myself believe that I’m too careful for making mistakes, even the smallest ones. I know, it’s ridiculous, but I think I really almost made myself believe that I’m not gonna make mistakes anymore. What I want to explain to myself is that being kind and good doesn’t prevent making mistakes because they happen spontaneously and you don’t really plan making them. It’s hard to define the word mistake because sometimes what we do makes so much sense in our head that we don’t see anything wrong with it or how someone else could react to it. As a person who is always willing to learn and grow, I’m learning to think about every person involved in my actions and think about if my actions make sense to them at least a little. Of course, not everything we do will make sense to other people, that’s not even neccessary, but if other people are involved in something we’re doing, we might as well make sure they don’t get hurt or something. See, I’m constantly worried if people will understand me or not, if people will know what exactly I want to say or not. I wish I could understand that that’s literally impossible because we understand things based on how we are and what we know, not how others are which explains why we’ll never be able to please everyone. These days I feel tired of trying to make sense to everyone because no matter what I do, there’s always going to be someone who’s not completely fine with it. Knowing that I’ve disappointed people is a very sad fact that really gets to me even though disappointing people I care about was never my intention. It’s not about caring more or less about someone/something, it’s doing what you think it’s the right thing to do even though you know you won’t please everyone with your actions. Sometimes the things you do for something really great don’t make sense but I think they’re hard to understand because they’re personal and personal things are hard to understand unless you’ve experienced something simmilar yourself. My dear people, make your life a lot more easier, quit expecting people to understand you. You understanding yourself is more important.  I’ve been thinking about the point of life in general but no matter how much I think about it, I don’t think I’ll ever know the answer to that question. I guess we should just keep living no matter what. Life is more than sadness and disappointments. They say those things make us stronger, can I believe it?

Love, Albesa

Then and now

There are so many things I wanna say at the moment. There are so many things people I’m surrounded by don’t understand. I got tired trying to explain everything to everyone, I got exhausted. Back in 2013, I was dealing with eating disorders which lead to mental disorders such as anxiety and depression. I didn’t know how to deal with it or what I had to do in order to feel ”normal” again. I thought I could easily turn back to my normal life but waiting for it to get better by itself it only got worse. My sophomore year in highschool was pure darkness. I was completely unstable and my anxiety was at the highest point ever. I went to a private school where I was surrounded by people who were so lost that they thought everyone would like them because of their expensive clothes. I’m saying they were lost because they had no idea what they were doing and neither did I. My ”friends” kept asking me to hang out and no matter how much I tried to explain to them that I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to be in public, I failed. I don’t know if it was about me or about them but I failed, I admit it. My ”friends” couldn’t understand me even though I’m sure I made it clear that I was at my lowest point I had ever been. In case you were wondering, no, I’m no longer friends with any of them. I don’t blame anyone for anything, I believe that from their perspective, it looks like I pushed them away and that’s completely fine. I was not the person they had met years ago. They couldn’t find a reason to stay by my side. The person I had become was worried and isolated which is the opposite of the person I had been before. Maybe it was my fault for what happened but sadly, you can’t choose how you feel, I couldn’t fight against myself at the time. It was all a new thing to me, I didn’t know how to live with it. Looking back, I miss the person I used to be and I miss those carefree times we spent together but I would never want to be that person again. I would never want to be so close to people who left me when I needed them the most. I would never want to be friends with people who made me apologize for not feeling well. I don’t label myself anymore. I don’t define myself with words such as ‘a happy person’ or ‘a depressed person’. I don’t believe in that. I’m a lot of things and most of them are still not discovered. I’m here to live and discover my potential in all aspects and so are you. The memories I made will always be a part of me. I wouldn’t change anything because I can understand the person I used to be. What I need to do now is focus on the present, stop explaining my feelings and try to understand the person I am today.

Love, Albesa

Positive thoughts and being thankful

My dear people, I have no clue where this is going. I felt the need to write so here I come. Anyway. I’ve been thinking about my family a lot lately and the things I can do to make it better. My family is already pretty great. It’s big, it’s loud and most importantly, it’s full of love. I remember how it used to be a few years ago. I used to fight with everyone, literally everyone. I know what I was going through but I think that’s not an explanation for my behaviour.  Reading my old journal, I realized that I wasn’t aware of anything, I had no clue what I was doing. What I was going through was rough for me and I think it made me empty and blind. My mom and dad are the best people I’ll ever know. I know every child says that but I really mean that. They are strong, supportive and want me and my sibilings to succeed so bad! I had a conversation with my dad the other day and he told me to study hard so I wouldn’t have to go through what he went through. My grandpa was poor and that’s why my dad couldn’t go to school. I know my dad would have become the best doctor ever if he ever got the chance to get educated. The point of this story is to be thankful and careful. Let’s be honest here, I’m not the best student I could ever be. Things happen, it’s fine. I’m gonna have to study so hard to pass all of my exams. The thing is that I no longer think about how hard it’s gonna be. I think about the happiness and pride I’ll feel once I’m done with that. Now let me tell you a short story.  I used to wake up in the morning feeling down because I would have to use public transport which I really dislike. I dislike it for multiple reasons but mainly because of my anxiety. Can you imagine? I, unfortunately, still suffer from anxiety which does affect my life but as I said before, it helped me realize who I was. Things have changed, nowdays I wake up feeling greatful that I even get to go to school. I try to occupy my mind with positive thoughts to the point where I don’t even think about the one hour public transport ride which actually isn’t that bad at all. The power that is inside of us is so insanely big. I’ve learnt that I can control my mind and my thoughts and that what I can’t control shouldn’t make me so upset. Confronting what you can’t control is the best solution. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself: ”What can I do about it?” If you have answers, great for you. Do what you can and make the situation better. If there is nothing you can do about it, confront it and accept it the way it is. I’m proud of my dad and his achievements no matter what. He didn’t have the opportunity to go to school and I can’t do anything about it. What I can do is be greatful for my opportunities and take the chances that I’ve been given. If you want to get inspired, just listen. Listen to your family, your friends or strangers you see in public transport. I don’t fight with my family anymore. I’ve listened and I’ve learnt. I’ve listeneted and I’ve grown. And I still have a lot to learn and even more to grow. 

Love, Albesa

A piece of advice for myself (and you)

I remember elementary school and how important it was for me to have a lot of friends. I don’t know what I was thinking or doing but I remember that I was really worried about if people liked me or not. It’s strange that I wanted validation from people who were doing things that I usually don’t admire but I guess I wasn’t paying attention at the time. Me and my cousin have always been best friends but at the time we thought that we needed more friends. Looking back, I realize that things really do happen for a reason. My cousin is the only person who went through everything with me so it’s not strange that people I used to be ”friends” with have chosen a completely different path. It makes sense that we lost what we had, if we even had anything. What I’m trying to say is that you’re not here to impress other people or get their validation. You’re here to be the best version of yourself, for yourself. I believe we’re all creators of our own destiny so work on what you want for yourself and don’t expect someone else to fight for you. Of course there are gonna be times when you’re gonna need some help and that’s completely fine, but remember that you’re the only person that can do most of what needs to be done. Quit blaming other people for your mistakes. Realize that it’s okay to be wrong but it’s also important to learn to be responsible for your mistakes. Stop looking for people to complete you. This is usually related to romantic relationships but I’m talking about relationships generally. People can’t complete you. Other people can make your life more beautiful but you’re the only person who knows how you truly feel. I see what people do. You feel empty so you start looking for something that will complete you. You look for it in someone else without realizing that you can’t take pieces of someone else and make them yours, can you? My dear people, none is better than you. We’re all unique individuals. Get your broken pieces together and make yourself feel complete again. I know it’s much easier to read this than actually do it but believe me, once you start trying, you never stop. Stay in touch with your emotions, ask yourself what you want to do and do it. Quit waiting for people to push you forward and start doing that yourself. Your potential is different from other people’s potential, we’re all good at different things so why think that everyone’s better than you? You can help yourself more than anyone could ever do it. My dear people, your strength is limitless. You don’t have to wait for people to give you enough time to show them that you can reach the moon or the stars. Open the doors and leave. Leave the ones who hurt you, who never inspire you, leave with a lot of fear but with a lot of excitement as well. Give yourself some time and give yourself a chance to make peace in your life. Do what makes you happy, stay close to people you love, be nice and be greatful.

”In weakness or in strength, change can be amazing” (The Neighbourhood – Honest)

Love, Albesa 

ps: All of the things written above are the things I usually say to myself. 

How does it get less painful?

Today has been a good day so far. It’s cold but sunny, there are flowers on the grass and there are happy kids on the playground. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before but I love kids so much. They are so carefree and happy and I’m not quite sure how it works but it inspires me and getting inspired is very important. I think I’ve made some progress in being a stable human, at least I feel like that today. I’ve been trying very hard to feel better. It’s a constant battle but trying is the key to happiness and success. What I’ve been thinking about lately is feeling guilty because of my feelings. It happens when you open up to people who clearly don’t understand what you’re going through and the only thing they say is ”Oh, there are people dying, it’s gonna be fine.” Let me explain myself. I’m aware that there are people who feel much worse than me. I’m aware that there are people who have more problems than me. I’m aware. What I want to say is that just because someone out there has bigger problems than me doesn’t mean that my problems are invalid. Just because someone out there is struggling more than me, doesn’t mean that I’m not struggling at all. Just because there are people who have less than me doesn’t mean that I’m spoiled and ungreateful. Different people experience different things and with that being said, different people are going to get hurt from different things. My pain has nothing to do with other people’s pain. My problems don’t get less painful because other people’s problems are more painful and neither do yours. If people felt better because someone out there was going through something worse, there would be no sadness in this world because there will always be people who are going through something worse then us. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. It only gets less painful because of us and our actions along with the support and help of our loved ones. That’s why I find it pointless to compare my problems to other people’s problems. I use them as motivation and inspiration. I try to understand people and their feelings which makes me grow as a person. I try to understand their ways of getting better so I can get better myself. I try to help people as much as I can. I try.  I want you to know that what you’re going through is not stupid. You’re the only person who knows how much something means to you. It’s not your fault if people can’t or don’t want to understand you. It’s more important for you to understand yourself anyway. 

Love, Albesa

About humans, battles and hope

I do not usually plan what I write but this time, it was not planned at all. Like at all at all. I got a wave of emotions all of a sudden and I felt like I would explode if I do not start writing. I do not even know what happened, maybe it is because I remembered everything that me and my friends have gone through and what we are going through right now. I know people say ”do not look back” but, man, it is so hard not to look back when some things from the past affect your presence. For example, it is very likely that someone who has gone through a rough heartbreak (does not have to be in a romantic way) is going to have major trust issues. It is possible that they are going to become less talkative or less outgoing. It is also possible that they are not going to be interested in meeting new people because they do not think they can trust them. I am writing this because it is how I feel which, of course, does not mean that everyone is going to feel like me. I do not know how life is supposed to be like and I believe it is different for everyone, but on the other side, what I do know is that people should not suffer and make others suffer. I believe that, since we are all human, we are here to help each other and do good to each other the way we do good to ourselves (questionable). The person that I am today has so much to say, so much to write. I have so many people that I want to talk to and so many places I want to visit. I struggle with keeping up with my constant battles that I can not seem to outgrow (I’m working on it). I am looking forward to getting better, going home to Kosovo and being the best student, sister, daughter and friend I can possibly be. I am feeling down and hopeless but tomorrow is a new day. I hope I wake up feeling motivated and strong enough to keep going no matter how hard it is. I believe in each and every human being who comes across this story. I believe in you and I believe in myself. We are stronger than all the pain in this world.

Love, Albesa

A raindrop of emotions

I feel raindrops on my face as I walk down the street in the middle of the night. I don’t know about other people but when my anxiety hits me, besides writing, I like to go outside, walk, breathe some fresh air and talk to myself as if someone was listening to me. Maybe it’s better that no one is actually listening to me because sometimes I feel like I could go on for days explaining my feelings and people still wouldn’t understand. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect people to understand every single feeling of mine because that is simply impossible. I’m thankful for people who listen, that’s more than enough for me. Anyway, I have been thinking about what it takes to feel good about yourself and your life. I realized that a lot of people think they need other people in order to be happy even if the people they think they need do so little for them. If certain people make you feel good about yourself and are always there for you no matter what, keep them around. Do it because the things they do for you are as valuable as the things you do for them. It’s very important to realize that it’s actually possible to cut people off; people who take away your energy, stop you from growing and getting better. You need to love yourself and progress just like mother nature does. Let it inspire you. Nature loses its colors during winter but it’s prettier than ever just three months later. My dear people, let that inspire you like it inspires me. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to talk about your feelings, ask for help or admit that you’re not feeling well. Life puts us through tough situations but it doesn’t stop there. You can change yourself. You can change your life. You can fight for what you believe. You can be your own best friend and do wonders by treating yourself the way you treat others. Give yourself a chance to see how colorful you can become. Fall as many times as you need to but don’t ever stop getting up. Not that I’m the happiest person on earth, in fact, I’ve been suffering from depression and anxiety for a long time now but these things are the things I say to myself when I feel like my optimism is getting low. These things might be right what someone needs to hear at this moment. Love and light my dear people, it’s gonna get so much better, I feel it.

Love, Albesa

Depressed garden

garden= human beings, people

flowers= our lives, beautiful things we have been given

flowers we stepped on= the past, pain

It’s not a secret that my mind is a mess, it has been like this for a long time now but sometimes I find my mind filled with thoughts that surprisingly, do make sense. Since I don’t even know what I’m gonna write about, I’m just gonna throw my thoughts out here hoping they make sense in the end (at least a little bit). I have been thinking about my life and how I really do not value what I’ve been given as much as I should. I do feel bad about it and I’m kind of ashamed because my life has potential to be a very good life. Since there is potential, what’s the problem? The problem is depression. When you’re generally depressed, you lose a big part of yourself and your life. Okay maybe not lose but something similar, maybe forget about it? You live your life feeling down thinking about so many things all at once that you forget what causes you pain in the first place. I may be bad at explaining it but just imagine this; you’re in a garden full of beautiful flowers but you only pay attention to the ones you stepped on. You spend your time trying to get them back to life. You try, try and try but you accidentally step on them again. When you think you’re getting better, something attacks you over and over again and all the beautiful things you have lose their colors. All the flowers around you, the ones you haven’t stepped on, they wait for you to keep them alive but you’re to busy with the ones you stepped on that you make other flowers die too. That is what happens to people when they’re depressed. If you’re brave enough to try harder (I strongly believe you are) the flowers you stepped on are gonna mark what you went through and you’re eventually gonna get out of it, but if you keep your feet on that same path of flowers you stepped on, the rest of the garden is gonna die too and what will happen then? You will be left with nothing. You will be left with ashes. No matter what you’re going through, I believe there is bravery and energy left in you that will make you come back to your normal life. There are a lot of flowers in your garden that you need to take care of. 

(I’ll be repeating this to myself until I get better.)

Love, Albesa x

 

Hope (full – less)

 I’ve been under control of mixed emotions lately. The worst situation I can find myself in is the one when I don’t know what I want. Some of my days are full of motivation and other days are like “whatever”. How do I explain this? It’s a combination of wanting something but not having enough energy to get it (makes me wonder, do I really want it, is it even important to me?). Some situations include other people which makes it doubly harder. Sometimes we hurt people by pushing them away because we think that that’s exactly what they are going to do to us. It all makes sense, it really does. We live in a world where being selfless is risky, mainly because it’s mistaken for being weak or naive (“why do you do so many things for other people? None cares anyway”). But do I really need anyone to care about what I do? Do I expect them to care about what I do? There are thousands of questions in my head and some of them include these ones: how does care about other people the way we care about ourselves makes us weak in any way? Doesn’t that mean that we’re filled with extra positive energy? Why do we have to judge and have an opinion on everything? Why do we act like we’ve lived multiple lives before and this is just another one we’re living? Why can’t we all work on ourselves and be happy with our lives so we can get rid of negative emotions that cause us pain? Why can’t we help and support each other instead of judging and bringing out mistakes that were made in the past? Maybe it’s just my perception but with all that I wrote above, it’s completely understandable that we choose to stay in our comfort zone and keep our feelings to ourselves. No matter the world we live in, I hope we will all have the strength and courage to be exactly who we are.

I hope the world becomes safe enough for that.

Love, Albesa

3:40 AM

 I am writing this post right after talking to my best friends about some tough situations life has been putting us through lately. The way you can connect with people on so many levels has always been amazing to me but this is just different. Me and my three best friends are a small group of people. Very different from each other but yet simmilar enough to understand almost everything each one of us goes through. It’s impossible to always have the right words to say in some tough situations but the endless support means more that any word will ever mean. Let me mention an important detail. Two of my best friends live in my homecountry Kosovo and I live in Croatia with my other best friend who is also my cousin. We spend around 60 out of 365 days together yet the connection we have breaks all the limits. You know how it works? All you really have to do is care and love. Care about people no matter how far away they are from you, care about their well being even if you physically can’t be their crying shoulder. That is what makes a relationship strong and unbreakable. Endless excuses for relationships that didn’t work out (not defining what kind of a relationship) make me tired. I’m tired of people hurting each other because they are confused and don’t know what they want. Isn’t it easier to just let someone go instead of making them believe you care when you actually couldn’t care less? Please be careful with your loved ones and ones you don’t even know. Just be careful naturally, we’re all human. Keep in mind that you don’t need a reason to be nice to people and that being down to earth is a quality, not a weakness. And one more thing, when you tell someone “I love you” make sure you fully understand the meaning of it. Don’t fool yourself.

Love, Albesa x

Self love and letting go

The most powerful feeling a human being can possibly feel is love, and I’m talking about love in every way possible, not only the romantic one. It’s what motivates us, inspires us, what makes us strong, what makes us weak and many more things I believe a lot of you have experienced. When someone mentions the word ‘love’ it’s usually the romantic kind of love, which is fine. Today I’m putting my focus on something that I feel is kind of ignored and that is self-love. We spend so many years in school learning things that are truly irrelevant to many of us, filling our brains with information we will never use and then all of a sudden we’re about to graduate and we don’t even feel like we know anything. What is life? Life is a mixture of things, experiences, people and you. Yes, you. Your life starts when you start with yourself when you start loving and appreciating yourself the way you love and appreciate other people (even the ones who don’t deserve it) Let me tell you something. I used to be a completely different person. I used to make people think they could reach out to me whenever they wanted/felt the need to, and I never felt like I could reach out to them. I used to find excuses for someone’s behavior because I didn’t want to accept the fact that someone wasn’t the way I thought they were, I think I wanted to escape from my disappointments. I used to do many more things, including ignoring people who truly loved me because I didn’t think about the fact that their love could be gone. All these things used to make me sad, anxious and depressed. I never knew that being nice to someone could cause me pain and other negative feelings. I kept wondering what I did wrong when all I did was be supportive. Years later, I’m here writing this post knowing that letting people go was the best decision I could ever make. People who stop you from growing as a person and cause you pain are people who you need to leave behind in order to finally realize what self-love is. All the love and time you spent trying to please other people is now free and ready for you. The energy you spent on other people and never got it back from them is now ready to be given back to you. Keep the good people around, people who are good for your health and do your thing. Appreciate all the love you have been given and don’t take it for granted. Let yourself heal from things that used to hurt you. Do what you love and don’t look back at what your life used to look like. You’re the only person living your life, so live it the way you want to. Realize things others never did, and most importantly, realize how amazing you are.

Love, Albesa

What truly matters

I caught myself wide awake at 4 am struggling to fall asleep. These are that kind of nights when your mind is a mess and your motivation is higher than the mountain you wish to climb someday. You hear the birds making their noise and you only wish you had as much life in your body as them. You wonder what is stopping you as the fresh air touches your skin. You close your eyes and let your mind go wherever even just for a minute. In that minute you realize how many things matter and how many things don’t. Fresh air, sunrise, birds and water make you feel so alive and feeling alive is such a beautiful feeling. We stress too much, worry too much, want to much and we forget to look around. No material thing can beat the feeling of freedom while you’re inhaling morning air into your lungs or the sound of your laughter when you’re truly happy.  You’re feeling like all your problems are suddenly gone. Those sleepless nights where made for us. For our body, mind and soul. These sleepless nights are your body’s message that you need to rethink and realize how blessed you actually are.  I have heard this so many times but it’s true. Whatever hurts today will hurt less tomorrow. The sun rises and the sun sets. There is an end to every little thing, good or bad. 

love, Albesa

College and life

I have found myself drowning in my own thoughts many times and it feels like a true mess when you don’t know how to escape from your own mind that works like a machine. Going to college has made me more anxious than I have ever been but also more aware. I personally dislike public transport just because I find it hard to be surrounded by a lot of people but there are good things about it too. It takes me about an hour to get to college so I stare at Zagreb’s beautiful architecture, take out my planner and write and write and write during my ride. I write down my feelings, my thoughts, my ideas but I also write what I hear and see and believe me, a lot of things happen in public transports so there are a lot of things to see and hear. I see how people look on Monday mornings, I see their stressed faces while going to work and doing things they probably don’t like, I see 16 year-olds smoking while waiting for their buses to arrive and I see old people selling fresh fruit on stands trying to make some money to survive. Coming home from college on a cold winter night makes me accept the fact that things don’t always work out the way I want them to. I will fail my exams a lot of times, I will lose my motivation and I will have to try hard until I succeed. At the end of the day, those things will make me work harder because hard work and effort can’t betray me or you or anyone. College is a challenge, life is a challenge in general but also an opportunity that a lot of people don’t get. No matter how sad it makes me to hear the way people talk to each other, it also inspires me. It inspires me to keep being nice on Monday mornings when people least expect it.

love, Albesa.