Growth, gratitude, and improvement

[2:09 PM / Sunday / June 17 2018]

Here I am once again, starting a story without really knowing what I’m gonna write. I’m not worried about it though, the stories that I write without planning them turn out being the most relieving ones. Anyway, let’s start. I don’t like the fact that I haven’t written in so long. Actually, I have written a bunch of stories but they’re kind of all over the place. I own way too many notebooks and each of them contains small bits of stories that I started writing in another notebook. I’ve been quite confused these days. I don’t really know how I feel anymore and I truly mean it when I say it. Things have not been getting better or worse, they’re kind of the same most of the time. I got used to my new, work life, routine and I like it because I finally feel like my life makes sense, at least a little bit. When it comes to work, I must mention that I’m doing pretty good however, I know I haven’t been trying my hardest. I’m not gonna start with excuses, I’m just gonna say that I’m gonna work harder and be even more content with my work. A month and a half have gone by since I started working and, oh boy, time goes so fast! I got my first ever salary which felt so strange because I felt like a real adult for the first time in my 20 years of life. Since I’m talking about work, let me mention that I told my manager about my anxiety problems. I had to do it because she asked me why I never ate in the kitchen where all of my colleagues eat. Her answer was the answer that I was expecting; ‘it’s all in your head.’ So many things were going through my mind at that moment. When I came home, one of the things I wrote down in my notebook was this one: ‘people tell me ‘it’s all in your head’ without realizing that that’s exactly the biggest problem people like me deal with. We suffer because it’s in our heads, it’s us who have to live with it day by day. It’s us who have to fight with it day by day. It’s me worrying about every little thing around me, it’s me that I’m afraid of what will happen tomorrow. If those thoughts about me were in someone else’s head, I wouldn’t spend a single minute worrying about it, trust me.’ I can’t remember if I’ve ever written anything more truthful than that. I don’t think I’ve ever agreed with myself more. I have realized one more time that people don’t understand the struggle that anxiety and depression bring, neither do I expect them to anymore. I remember describing it in a few words and it just never worked. My pain, my struggle and my fear, they were always belittled, which only ended up causing me even more negative emotions. I’m okay now, I really am. I’m aware of everything, I’m trying not to think about anything that makes me unhappy, I’m trying to improve the quality of my life. I have a few plans that make me happy just thinking about them so I’m gonna work on those. One of the best things you can do for yourself is keep yourself busy with the things that fulfill you so choose a few things you would like to do more and every time you have some extra time, do one of those things. Spend your time in peace, spend your time away from places/things that remind you of rough times, disappointments, a broken friendship or a broken relationship. Work hard on creating a new, healthier surrounding that will make you feel like a new person which has nothing to do with who you were or where you’ve been in the past. You have the right to start over anytime you want, you have the right to make changes and make the most out of your time while you’re still alive. You have the right to do the things that people disagree with as long as you know that the option you’re choosing is the best option for you. Cherish the things we usually take for granted, cherish your health, your family, friends, food, your roof over your head. Gratitude, compassion, and positivity are a way of life, it takes some time to learn to live like that but once you’re there, you’ll realize how simple some things can be if we don’t makeup things in our heads. Let people know how much they mean to you, be that one ‘annoying’ friend who keeps saying ‘I love you’ all the time. If that’s a part of you, don’t hide it. I tell my cousin/best friend I love her at least 5 times a week because I really do and when that thought comes into my head, I express it. Acting cold or emotionless is not really my thing neither do I think it’s cool or funny. Emotions are meant to be expressed otherwise you’ll kill yourself way before you’re really dead. Oh, yeah, let me end this story with some nice things. I feel like I’ve grown even more since I’ve started working. I acknowledge every little bit of my progress and it makes me extremely happy. I’m also continuing my therapy very soon which is absolutely awesome. I’ll be out of the dark room sooner than I know! My goal for this month is to keep this positive mindset and keep moving forward. That’s basically it, I don’t think I have anything left to say at the moment. I’ll definitely write more in the future, I’ll try at least once a week. We’ll see, no worries, no pressure. My dear people, I wish you a good time and a healthier life. Work hard on yourself, achieve what you want to achieve and stay humble. And to all the hardships, heartbreaks and disappointments, it’s time to say goodbye. We’re all leaving you behind.

We got this.

Love, Albesa

Romantic relationships mixed with personal issues

”You’re 20 years old and you’ve never had a boyfriend?!”; that’s how people usually react when I tell them I’ve never been in a relationship. I know most people my age have had plenty of relationships but that’s basically it. They had them but they don’t have them anymore. Big congratulations to those who made it, I’m very happy for them. Being young and wanting to fit in makes us do things we usually wouldn’t do and I think the same thing happens with having a boyfriend/girlfriend. A lot of young people (not only young people though) just want to have fun, experience different things they’ve never experienced before and just feel some kind of thrill I guess. Being raised in a conservative family, which I believe has had quite a big impact on me and my behavior, I’ve never felt the need to experiment with boys, girls, relationships and stuff like that. I’ve always known that by being in a relationship where there is no love, I would only disappoint myself by doing something I never thought was the right thing to do. I’m happy that I’ve always been aware of the fact that relationships established without love, trust, respect and equality are gonna end soon or later. Knowing that, saved me from hurting myself and someone else. I don’t think it’s fine to use someone else’s feelings for your own entertainment. Relationships are complicated and stressful when there’s no general connection between two people. I haven’t experienced it myself but I’ve seen so many people getting hurt because there was no communication and no connection in the relationship they were in. In my opinion, two people who are in a relationship must be comfortable with each other, be best friends with each other and feel the freedom to say how they feel or think. Breakups happen when people jump in it for the wrong reasons which are often these ones: loneliness, boredom, insecurities, pressure to do it because everyone else is doing it or pressure because they’re ”running out of time’… Some of those things are the things that an individual has to work on by themselves. Those are not the things that another person can make better for you. If you know you’re not in a really good place in your life, take the time to find something that’s not gonna make you feel bored when you’re alone. Take the time to work on what makes you insecure about yourself, take the time to learn how to be your own best friend when none else is around. It’s not easy but it’s definitely easier than expecting those things from someone else. None is gonna walk into your life and solve your personal issues. The other person probably has their own issues to deal with. When you feel complete with your own self, that’s when you know you can connect with someone else. The only time you’ll be yourself is when you’ve accepted yourself the way you are and you embrace yourself no matter what other people might think about you. So basically, before you rush into a relationship because you feel some kind of pressure, make sure you know that the consequences of your choices can lead to heartbreak, pain, disappointment, trust issues, and many other problems. Having personal issues, I don’t think you need even more issues to deal with. Be smart, there’s enough time for everything. Love will happen to you sooner or later, but I think it won’t happen until you’ve given love to yourself first.

Love, Albesa

You live for yourself, I live for myself

Yes, you live for yourself. Not for your mom, dad, sisters, brothers, friends or whoever comes to your mind. This is your life. It’s the only thing you can control as much as you want. I’ve always been the kind of person who likes to live their way. I don’t like rules. I don’t like to do things others want me to, such a thing makes me extremely anxious because there are things people want me to do that I don’t feel passionate about and doing things without love and passion has always resulted with failure. And I know it because I’ve been there and I’ve done that. I kept things to myself to keep others protected and it was a failure because it did so much damage to me. I felt fire caused by so many things burning inside of me, yet I had to act ice-cold so that people wouldn’t be worried about me. You know what? I don’t think I’m that ”protective” anymore. I look around and I don’t see a single person who does the same thing as me. I never do things expecting to get something in return but I don’t do things expecting to suffer either. I’m done. From now on, I want to make plans that are good and convenient for me without thinking about what others will think about it. That is not my problem. I don’t want to deal with that. I choose to free myself from that. It may sound selfish but, my dear people, we will never be able to please everyone. Never ever. There is no such a thing. What we are able to do is please ourselves. We must live the lives we want to, the lives that are results of our own decisions made with love and passion. My therapist once told me; ”Albesa, you’re acting like a superhero. You must never hurt yourself in order to keep someone else safe. That’s not the role you have in your life.” I thought about it a lot and yes, it’s true. I can’t save people from life and getting hurt. All of the things we go through are life. Sometimes they’re the consequences of our decisions, sometimes they’re not. What I’m trying to say is that we should make decisions that make us happy. Decisions that don’t bring hurtful consequences along. Decisions that give us hope, positive energy and something to look forward to. That’s the least we can do for ourselves. About what others do; we can have opinions but we can’t stop anyone from their decisions. The result of their decisions is going to hurt them more than anyone else but we can’t stop it, we can’t prevent it. We make decisions based on what we want and sometimes what we want is not the best for us but that’s not something we know while making a certain decision. If people knew something is going to hurt them, I don’t think they would do it. When people repeat their mistakes, when they keep doing things that hurt them in the past, they do it because they think that it’s gonna be ”different this time.” People will live, make decisions, make mistakes, get hurt, learn, keep going, be happy and more. I’ll figure it out, we’ll figure it out, they’ll figure it out. That’s why I choose to live for myself, I choose not to worry so much about what I can’t do. If my decisions hurt me, I accept it. I accept it as long as I know that I made those decisions thinking they were the best for me. If I did it thinking they for the best for someone else, then I choose to think that suffering is my punishment from the universefor not doing what I must to; taking care of myself and being my own priority. Stop thinking so much about others and give more love and attention to yourself. Care more about yourself. None else is going to do that for me. Or for you. That’s one of a kind thing that has to be done by ourselves and for ourselves. That’s our role in life.

You can do things for other people, of course you can. Just make sure they don’t make you unhappy. Make sure they don’t affect you in a negative way. Take care of yourself.

Love, Albesa