First messy story of 2021 (what a surprise)

Wednesday / January 28, 2021

I can’t sleep. I feel the urge to write, to express myself, to relieve myself, to let my thoughts go. I feel the need to talk about my thoughts and my fears. A lot is going on and it seems like I can never catch a breath. There is constantly something taking my peace away. Me and my family are in a very complicated place in life right now. We have no idea what’s gonna happen next. We’re stressed, getting on each other’s nerves all the time, fighting all the time and what not. It’s intense. My dad felt obligated to sell the business where he had been working and managing the last 20 years. That business is where my parents have found stability in a foreign country, and for that I am forever grateful. I am grateful I had a stable childhood. We’re looking for a new business opportunity right now. It’s hard; especially during these covid times. I can’t do much; I guess I have to try and stay optimistic and hope for the best. Hope that some day soon, we will feel stable again. Sometimes I forget that all of this happened and so when I rememeber it, my stomach turns into a real mess. I feel like throwing up every time I remember the things that have happened in the past 6 months. I’m sad knowing that my parents don’t have a job for the first time in their lives. I’m devastated, but what is there to do? I’m in Kosovo right now, where I thought I’d feel a little better since I’m away from everything going on in Croatia but honestly, I think I’m even more stressed. I can’t stay calm due to uncertainty. There are many things going on for sure and what is there to do besides write? Write until my chest feels a bit lighter. On a good note, I visited my grandma’s grave a few days ago. I cried my heart out and it was much needed! I miss her so much, oh my god. I talked to her about so many things, and I have no idea if she’s somewhere around or not, but I like to believe she is. She is my hope, my light and my guardian angel. Also, I once wrote a story about how I went separate ways from a long time best friend. We found the way back to each other and I couldn’t be happier about it. I’m so happy to see that people are willing to grow and learn from their mistakes. I’m happy when people survive their darkest days and start taking control over their life again. I appreciate an honest apology more than anything and there’s nothing more amazing than feeling respected and appreciated by someone who you thought you were over with. Cheers to re-establishing new friendships with old people, who have learned and grown and shown that they’re worth a second chance. I wish everyone could do that but unfortunately, sometimes we have to move on without the apologies that we deserve. Moving on to the next topic: A lot of people ask me about boys and dating and romance and to be honest, I’ve never really written much about it but let me touch on that topic a little bit. I’m 23 and by this age, the majority of the people have had some kind of romantic experience; but I haven’t. I’ve never been very intrested in dating and meaningless encounters. I’ve always known what I wanted when it comes to romance, and it hasn’t changed; a deep connection with a deep and real person who isn’t afraid to show their authentic self, who isn’t afraid to call me out when I’m wrong, but does that in a kind and respectful way. Someone who is genuinely a kind person, with morals, ethics and standards. Someone  who can tell me their story, and listen to mine too. And that, I haven’t met yet, which is why I don’t have a romantic experience to tell. And I refuse to just get myself into something meaningless. That’s simply not who I am, or who I’ll ever be. I like to believe I don’t have trust issues, but I do. Sometimes I question if I’m being too idealistic, but I’m not. I know what I’d prefer for myself is rare, but it exists. And if the universe wants it to, it will somehow find me. Or I’ll find it. But I know one thing for sure, when something is there, you just know. And when something isn’t there, you also know. For real, you will know everything, so breathe and keep going through life doing your own thing because at the end of the day, the most important relationship you can ever have is the one you have with yourself, so nourish it. Every day, all the time. 

A story all over the place, as per usual.

All my love,

♡ Albesa  

Re-connecting with myself

Wednesday / December 23, 2020

I have no idea why it has taken me so long to sit down and write a story. I love doing this, I love it so much. I feel like my most authentic self when I write and create. But I’ve been feeling kinda lost, kinda disconnected from a lot of things, not neccessarily bad but not good either which I believe happens to a lot of people from time to time. I’ve been going back and forth, healing and hurting. My relationship with my mental health has gotten so good this year, I’m really happy with my growth and the ways I’ve learned to look at things. Even though anxiety is pretty much a part of my every day life, I’ve noticed that I’ve gotten much more calm than I used to be. I’ve been taking deep breaths, and encouraging myself instead of speaking negatively about myself. I’ve been reminding myself of my qualities more often, and it feels really great, it’s a breath of fresh air when you quit constantly criticising yourself. But I can’t deny that I’ve been feeling weird and disconnected lately. I just don’t know how to put it into words. When it’s pouring rain, you either run so you don’t get soaking wet or start smiling cuz you love it; I’m at place where I wouldn’t even notice that it has started raining in the first place. I’ve been way too in my head lately, too many things are on my mind. My family, my grandma, my exams, my body image and relationship with food. The situation at home is a bit intense, I’ve been fighting with my sister more than usually. The way they react to certain things, I think a lot of it has to do with their emotions that maybe haven’t come to the surface yet. I’m trying to give them space and not be nosey about everything that goes on in their lives, however, I must say that everything that I want to know about them is because I care about them and want to see them doing good. I know I’m overprotective, and I’m aware it can be annoying sometimes, because at the end of the day, I’m not some kind of superhero that can save everyone from the tinniest problems. I honestly think I must stop thinking that everyone needs my help, or that I constantly need to save someone from something. I unfortunately can’t prevent my loved ones from getting hurt, and I must understand that. Pain is inevitable throughout life. I need to be there for my loved ones when they actually need me, not when I assume they need me, which is very often. I’ve been looking at this from a different perspective and I don’t think being overprotective is a bad trait, I just think I need to let go of the idea that everyone needs me all the time. I started developing this trait about 7 years ago, when my mental health issues started getting more and more severe. I was in pain myself, and knowing how it felt, I didn’t want my loved ones to experience pain like I had been experiencing it. But as I said, pain, heartbreaks, disappointments are inevitable, and everyone deals with their pain differently, so I guess I just have to hold on to what I do surely know; just like I survived, just like I’ve found ways to live with my pain, they will too, and maybe the best way for them to do that is by themselves, which right now, I fully accept. In the meantime, I’m going to focus on maintaining a positive self-talk, encouraging mindset, writing more, taking more pictures, baking more desserts, and understanding my true feelings about a couple other things that have been on my mind lately. I’m glad I finally sat down and just wrote whatever was coming to my mind. I feel re-connected with myself and I definitely needed that! Til next time, stay safe!

All my love,

♡ Albesa  

Missing grandma

Thursday / September 3, 2020

I wish I could hug and kiss my grandma one more time. I wish I could hear her soft voice one more time. I wish I could hold her warm hands one more time. I wish I could have her tell me that it’s gonna be fine one more time. Just one more time. My grandma was light in a human form. She was everything to me. On hard days like these, I miss her so terribly. I miss her every day, but on hard days like these, it gets extremely tough. I miss her so much, I start wishing for things that will never come true. But I can’t help it. I can’t help but let my imagination do its thing. She enjoyed being in the sun, so I imagine us chatting about life on a sunny day. She was always there, to listen, to make me feel better, to make me feel loved. She was always there to remind me that someone believed in me and was rooting for me. I believe that nothing has changed. She’s far away now but her spirit lives close to me. She will have a home wherever I go.

Angel on the sky, I will never stop writing about you. You mean the absolute world to me.

I miss you and I love you so much.

♡ Albesa 

All over the place

Wednesday / August 26, 2020

I’ve noticed myself feeling more and more lost. I haven’t written a proper story in a long time. I haven’t really expressed my emotions in a long time. I feel like I’m losing myself a little bit, and it doesn’t feel good at all. So many things have happened in the last 3 months, very heavy and hard things. My grandma died last year, my grandpa died two months ago, the situation at home isn’t the best, I’m not doing great either. I spent a month at home in Kosovo hoping it would help me, and it did, but once I came back home to Croatia, I noticed my mental health getting worse and worse day by day. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I can’t stop sleeping because of how tired and exhausted I am. I don’t really know how to help myself. I see my mom isn’t doing great either and it breaks my heart. She lost both of her parents. There’s nothing I can do, I know, and sitting with that fact is just so hard for me because I’m always the one who’s looking for solutions. I have three exams left to pass. I’m hoping for the best but expecting the worst. I wish I could put in the work properly and be sure that things are gonna turn out fine, but that’s not the case at the moment. I’m still gonna try my best; I’m gonna study as hard as I can. My cousin who is also my best friend got engaged and is moving to Germany next year. My other best friend is moving to Germany too, but in a month and a half. I’m just thinking how much I’m gonna miss both of them. They’re a big part of my life and I truly don’t know how my life is gonna feel knowing that I can’t see them whenever I want to. Still happy for them and the opportunities they’ll get once they move. I guess we’ll be fine. Things are just weird at the moment. Everything feels a little weird. Also, I’m getting myself into something that I’ve never experienced before. I don’t want to talk about it too much, but I eventually will if I see it’s worth it. Not sure how I feel about it at the moment, I’ll see over the next couple weeks / months. I don’t really know what to write anymore. This story is all over the place, but that’s how I’ve been feeling anyway. May I find strength to keep going and do my best no matter the struggles.

Love and light,

♡ Albesa 

❤️ Grandma ❤️

Tuesday / May 5, 2020

Angel on the sky,

I’m writing this with tears in my eyes. I know you would absolutely hate to see me like this but I just miss you so, so much. I think of you every day and every night. I’m looking for signs that you’re somewhere near all the time. Some days I feel like I have it together pretty well, and some days, well, I fall apart a little bit. Just a little bit, don’t worry!! I promise, even on days like these, when I feel absolutely heartbroken, I try to push myself to fight, and to be better, in every way possible. Because of you. For you. You’re the reason. You’re the source of my strength when I feel like I have non of it left. Because you were the one who always believed in me. I remind myself of that every single day. You were the one who never doubted me. You were both, a mother and a father to me. I just love(d) you so much. I love(d) you as a person, not just because of the fact that you were my grandma. You were everything that I admire in other people. Your heart, your soul, your mind, everything was so pure about you. And your hands, oh so, so warm. I’m trying hard, I promise I am. But it’s not easy. It’s hard, extremely hard. I feel the need to talk to you and hear your soft voice telling me that it’s gonna be fine. I don’t believe it when someone else says it, I do feel bad for saying it but I just don’t. Those words would only calm me down when you were the one telling them. The entire world could come together and shout at me telling me that ‘it’s gonna be fine’ and I still wouldn’t believe it. Because the entire world doesn’t mean to me as much as you do. The entire world doesn’t know why I need those words so badly; you do. I will keep trying to be the best version of myself every day so that I can continue to be your favorite granddaughter. It’s nice to know that I was your favorite because you were my favorite too. And truthfully, you will always continue to be; no matter how far away from me you’ve gone.

Wherever you are, I hope you’re in peace.

Don’t worry about me.

I love you and I miss you beyond words.

♡ Albesa

Thoughts turned into a poem (missing grandma)

Sunday / March 8, 2020

Angel on the sky, you’ve been on my mind

it’s you who I think of when the sun is shining bright

I’ve changed a little but I know you don’t mind

I promise to always keep only the goodness in my heart

you would always tell me ‘it’s gonna be alright’

and I would always believe you and sleep tight at night 

Now I’m the one telling you:

even if you see me with tears in my eyes,

even if you see me falling apart,

don’t worry too much,

I’ll be alright

Sleep tight angel,

I miss you.

♡ Albesa

ps: Is this what you call a poem? If yes, then this is the first poem I’ve ever written. I never express myself through poems, but this time, my thoughts were all over the place and only started making sense when I wrote them like this. Poetic Albe, who would’ve thought. Haha. 

What can you do about it when there’s nothing you can do about it?

Thursday / December 5, 2019

I sometimes feel like I don’t have much to say, but the second I sit down to write and reflect on my thoughts, I realize just how much I have to talk about and how much I need to express how I’m feeling. I feel like my most authentic self when I’m sitting down like this, writing and expressing my thoughts without shame, guilt or looking back. It’s in me to talk, it’s in me to acknowledge what I tried to keep to myself for years and years. It’s in me to let people know that their feelings are valid. The things that bring me peace and joy, the things that break my heart, thanks to years of learning and therapy, I’ve learned to welcome it all. I’ve learned to validate my feelings as they are, without trying to make them more beautiful or more bearable. I don’t know who’s gonna read this but you’re not alone. It took me a while to change the way I thought of things, it took me a while to understand something so simple yet so important: you decide what you’re gonna do with the things that happen to you. You decide whether you’re gonna stay bitter and mad about it or open your heart, your mind, and your soul in order to understand that there is a lot to learn. Yes, things are uncomfortable, things are heavy, we feel bad because of everything that’s going on, there is no question about it, but the key is in the way we respond. Have you ever felt yourself getting even worse because you’ve been focusing on the negative so much? My dear people: a lot of things that happen are not in our control. When you’re not in charge of the situation, take a few deep breaths, and be kind to yourself more than ever. Let yourself know that not everything is your responsibility. Even when something very bad is happening, you still have so much to be grateful for. I disagree with my family in most cases, we also argue a lot, it makes me sad that we don’t understand each other more. After years and years of trying to find a way to communicate more effectively, I realized there was only one option left: to accept my family the way it is and stop forcing them to understand what I’m trying to say or how I’m feeling. After all the fights and failed communication, I understood that sometimes we’re just too different to meet in the middle. We spend so much time wondering why do things have to be like this or like that, why is this happening to me, why, why, why, endless whys. I’ve written in one of my stories that life is a perfect mixture of sweet dreams and a chaotic rush, and I couldn’t agree with myself more. We choose what we focus on, we choose if we’re gonna rush around the chaos more or keep our mind busy thinking about the sweet dreams more. I hope you understand the point of this story; whatever happens to you or around you, believe me, you’re still gonna be just fine. You’re gonna find a way to cope with everything that breaks your heart. The whys are gonna fade away from your mind and you’re gonna start embracing life the way it is. This is coming from someone who was depressed for 5 years. I was always at war with myself because I struggled to accept things I couldn’t do anything about. I knew that a lot of things that happened weren’t okay, a lot of people mistreated me and I never did what I felt in heart, I did what I thought was safe. But not standing up for yourself isn’t safe. Confrontations might feel terrifying but it’s a must to let people know how they made you feel. Allow yourself to be sad, mad, and angry but also know that the only thing you’re in charge of is your mindset; I constantly remind myself about that. I disagree with my family, but I can’t change the way they think. After all these years of trying to be on the same page with them, and not succeeding due to our differences, I’ve chosen to just focus on the fact that I have a family and that we’re all healthy. There is nothing else I can do about it except appreciate it the way it is. And it’s pretty much like that with a lot of things in life. It might sound strange but you can actually appreciate what you don’t understand, you just have to give yourself the chance to learn to do that. Every day is a chance to start over, every day is a chance to start doing what’s good for you. Be kind to yourself. Slow down with the endless whys and be more grateful. Someday it will all make sense, someday you will know all the answers. Until then, keep trying, keep going, keep learning. Day by day. 

We got this.

♡ Albesa

Grandma and her response

Wednesday / November 13, 2019 

I’m sitting in the backyard of my house here in Kosovo trying to remember everything I want to write about in this story. It’s pretty surreal that I’m even here at this time of the year. It’s my last day today so I wanted to take the chance and write about this experience before I hit the road to go back to Croatia. Anyway, let’s get into the story. I think I’ve written about Kosovo before, and how for me, the main reason for coming here has always been my grandma. She passed away 5 months ago and I was afraid of coming here knowing that she is no longer here to wait for me. I dreamt of my grandma every other day for almost a month so I took that as a sign that I really, really needed to talk to her. So I decided to do what I was so afraid of. I decided to come to Kosovo and face her death. I went to her house, sat where we always used to sit, remembered how kind she was, remembered how she talked, remembered the way she walked. She was so loving and so loved I often think about how unfair it is that she suffered so much throughout her life. I visited her grave yesterday. I told her a lot of things, and for a tiny moment, I let myself get carried away. For a tiny moment, I felt like she was there, listening to me carefully,  I felt like she was there, paying attention to what I was saying. What if she really was there though? I don’t remember the last time I cried and laughed at the same time like that, it was incredibly relieving. It’s unbelievable that I have to go to that sad place in order to talk to her, but I’m so glad I did it. The heavy weight on my chest was starting to become unbearable. I had to get things out of my chest, I had to tell her how much I love her. I had to apologize, I had to tell her that I’m sorry for not calling her more often, for not spending more time with her when I was in Kosovo. I’m sorry for not having celebrated a single birthday with her. But no matter how sorry I am, I can’t go back in time and change things. It is what it is, so it’s better to try and make peace with it somehow. I’m in peace because she knew how much I loved her, at least I hope she did. She truly was and will forever be my biggest love and inspiration. If the afterlife exists, I hope she’s in a peaceful place where she’s able to rest how she deserves. Everything beautiful reminds me of her. Every ray of sunshine reminds me of her. She was a light that you only meet once in a lifetime but keeps you warm and enlightened for the rest of your life. I have to go back to Croatia in a couple hours, but I already can’t wait to come to Kosovo and visit her again. As much as it breaks my heart that I can’t hug her, hold her hand and give her a kiss anymore, just knowing that I got to experience that kind of love fills me with so much love and warmth. I was afraid to come here but I survived. I was afraid of not getting a response from my grandma, but I don’t think that happened. I got a lot of responses. I didn’t hear her voice, I didn’t touch her but I feel close to her. I feel peace. I feel optimistic about life. Does that count as a response too?

I’m heartbroken but I’m also incredibly grateful. 

Gjyshe t’du shume!!!

♡ Albesa

 

Because of my grandma

 Saturday / August 17, 2019

What I had with my grandma, I can not have with anyone else and I don’t even want to. What I can and will do is take pieces of it and reflect it on my other relationships. I will pour pure love, trust, and support into my relationships, just like my grandma did. The people in my life will always know they’re loved and supported, just like I knew I was with my grandma. My grandma was a true light, not only for me but for many other people. She was a light that you only meet once in a lifetime, but is strong enough to keep you going even after it’s gone. My grandma showed me what it’s like to love and be loved properly, and only now do I realize she did me a lifetime favor. Because of her, and her beautiful mind, I have a lifetime learning source. Because of her, I’m able to recognize true love and support. Because of her, I’m able to respect myself and kindly walk away from things that are no longer healthy for me. I keep going pretty bravely because I have you to guide me through our memories. I keep believing I’ll be just fine because I have your words to remember when I don’t know what to do.

This entire life won’t be enough to express how much I miss you.

Gjyshe t’du shume.

*This story was inspired by today’s dream. I decided to keep the details to myself, but still share and praise what my grandma and I had with you reading this.

♡ Albesa

Nostalgia, melancholy, grandma

[9:06 PM / Monday / July 8, 2019]

It’s been raining for a couple hours now. I was  anxiously staring through the window trying to catch some breath and it seemed like the trees where breathing in and breathing out. It was strange and amazing, I’ve never seen anything like that before. Anyway. Things haven’t been the best for a long time now, but life is just so empty ever since grandma died. It has become hard to wake up and feel the willingness to start the day. I don’t know if it makes me more happy or more sad, but I often look at old photos so I can go back to those days when I didn’t even want to go to sleep because of how much I enjoyed life all the time. My big family meant the world to me, my siblings, my cousins, all growing up in the same house filled with so much love and joy. We started dealing with bullies at a young age, but we had each other so we managed to make our days in Croatia pretty good. Summer vacations in Kosovo at grandma’s house were amazing. I don’t remember questioning where my home was. My home was wherever I went because I was surrounded by so much love and light. I had something to look forward to every day. And now, where am I now? I’m surrounded by a lot people but I’m actually on my own, trying to survive these sad days somehow. Trying to find an explanation even though I know I’m not gonna find it. Everyone is so distant. Every little thing has changed. I wish I could say for the better. That big amount of joy I used to feel, got completely replaced by misery. And it’s unbelieavble. It’s devastating.  We’ve all gone our separate ways, we barely talk. Only me and my cousin Flor have maintained the relationship we’ve always had. Where is everyone else? Weren’t we all best friends or something? Everyone started growing up and leaving. One by one. Suddenly, it became more important to show off to the world. Suddenly, it became easy to criticize each other without even asking ‘what’s going on?’ Suddenly, it became cool to pretend you don’t know your own sibling. We’ve been raised with the theory that family is everything. I’ve never liked theories. I’ve never liked words. Where is my dad? Can my dad talk to me for a minute? Where is my brother? Driving around with his friends in his brand new expensive car while our mom is waiting for him to come home from work? My mom’s worried face breaks my heart but there is nothing I can do because I’m not her big son and, that’s who she misses the most. I wonder if I’m the only one who would rather go back in time and be how we used to be than stay in this sad reality? Life goes on and it’s gonna be okay but I can’t help but wonder; is everyone really having so much fun? Is anyone as nostalgic as I am? Can someone tell me a way to cope? Can grandma come back to life so I can count the days til I get to see her? Can grandma come back to life so I can call her and tell her about my day?

My biggest love, my inspiration, my sunshine. My biggest truth in life.

Send me some light so I can carry on.

I miss you so much.

♡ ♡ ♡ Albesa

Me, my mother and grandma

[10:25 PM / Thursday / June 27, 2019]

I’ve had this heavy feeling inside my chest ever since grandma died. I haven’t slept properly since grandma died. I want to see her so badly, but she is nowhere to be seen, not even in my dreams. Why? Nothing helps. Right now, it seems like it’s only getting harder as time is passing by. I still can’t believe it. I still don’t understand it. My heart is heavy, full of sadness. I can only imagine how painful it will be to go back to her house and not have her give me a warm welcome hug. All of my memories with her will run through my brain and I will fall apart, again and again and again. I will fall apart wanting to go back to my wonderful childhood at grandma’s house. And I know it’s okay. I allow myself to fall apart because it’s a part of my realest self; to fall apart and pick myself up again. It’s actually what I’m very good at. But how can I pick up my dear mother? My mother whose sad eyes break my heart into a million tiny pieces of pain. My mother who has lived her entire life missing her mother because she lived miles and miles away from us. My mother who hasn’t slept properly for months now because she didn’t want her mother to die alone? Oh dear mother, your mother is gone and as much as it hurts, we have to keep going. Dear mother, your wonderful mother, my wonderful grandma, always wanted us to be happy. So that’s what we have to strive for. We will go through this pain together, and help each other get used to it. Mother, you are heartbroken; I can see it and feel it even though you’re trying to keep yourself together so I don’t break down. But mother you don’t have to worry about me. You don’t have to keep your pain to yourself. Let it out mother. I understand you. Mother I have my own pain to deal with but your pain seems even heavier. Mother, let me carry a little bit of your pain so it’s not too heavy for you. Mother, give me your pain so I can turn it into love and give it back to you. Mother I love you, but I’ll never be able to love you like grandma did. Not that I don’t want to but because grandma loved everyone in a way no one else ever could. I’m an ordinary person and grandma was everything but ordinary.

We miss you grandma.

♡ ♡ ♡ Albesa

Remembering grandma

[1:14 AM / Saturday / June 22, 2019]

I’m usually afraid of the idea that I’m wasting my time so I try to make the most out of it by doing things I love, but these days I want time to pass as fast as possible. These days, I don’t  want to do anything else besides get used to the pain. But how do I do that? It’s only been a week. I lost my wonderful grandma. The person I felt most connected to, most loved by is gone whether I want to believe it or not. I’ve seen it with my own eyes how they buried her. I’ve seen it with my own eyes how they threw cold mud at her. And I stood there completely shocked and speechless refusing to believe that I was saying my final goodbye to her. My grandma, who was so loving, so kind, and so pure, is now someone I’ll only keep alive in my memories and my heart. My grandma is now someone who I’ll have to talk to without expecting a response. From now on, I can only guess what she would say to me if she was still here. From now on, I’ll only be able to remininsce her words when I’d call her and tell her about my ‘rough day’. She always knew what to say. She always made sense to me. She had a soft voice and a beautiful mind, her words just sounded promising. I’ve been preparing myself for this for two months now, so I asked a dear friend of mine who is familiar with pain: ‘does it ever get less painful?’ He replied: ‘it doesn’t get less painful, you get used to the pain and the fact that that person is gone.’ But you can never prepare yourself for something like this. You can never get used to it before it happens. You can only imagine it. And you’re lucky if you can only imagine it because when it really happens, there’s no going back. I’ve seen it in movies, I’ve heard about it from other people but only now am I obligated to understand what death really means. And as of now, I’m not able to understand it yet. But according to my friend’s words, I guess I will as time passes by. I’ll hold on to that theory and hope for the best. I’ll love you forever and ever and ever. And I’ll love you more and more and more as I grow older. Only growing and learning about the world and life itself, will I be able to love you how you always deserved. I have a lot to learn and a lot of love to give to you, even though you will never respond to it again.

Faleminderit per cdo kujtim te bukur qe ma fale gjyshja jem e dashur. T’kisha mujt me kthy pak kohen e me ardh n’Kosove pak ma shpesh, me beso e kisha kthy. Shpresoj qe e din sa shume dashni kom pas per ty, shpresoj qe cdo her kur t’kom than ‘gjyshe t’du shume’ e ke ni me zemer, jo veq me veshet. Me mungon dhe do t’me mungosh gjithmone. Krejt cka ti je kon, une do e mbaj gjall permes vetit.

♡ ♡ ♡ Albesa

Grandma

[11:02 PM / Monday / June 17, 2019]

What a day it has been. A day I knew was about to come but never knew how painful it could be. A day so long I feel like it has lasted a thousand years. Grandma is gone. My wonderful grandma is gone. This level of pain is paralyzing. I’m speechless. I can’t believe. I still can’t believe. I don’t know which words to use because nothing comes close to how I’m feeling right now. I try not to fall apart but the more I try the more I fail. I’m devastated. I’m heartbroken. I’ve been waiting for this ever since she got hospitalized two months ago. I didn’t want her to suffer so I thought of death as a good option for her. But there is no coming back from death. There is no coming back once your heart stops beating. I’m speechless, shocked, scared, broken…She meant so much to me. She meant the absolute world to me. An entire world in one person. She was so loving, so kind, so soft, so wonderful. She was so pure. She was amazing. And I, I’m trying to remember the words she would say to me when I’d call her and tell her that I’m sad. She had a wonderful voice, a wonderful mind that would calm down the storm inside my head. Who am I going to call now? Who is ever gonna love me so much? Who am I ever gonna love so much? I miss her so much already and I just said the final goodbye to her. I’m at her house here in Kosovo. The house seems empty without her. There are so many people around me but the only thing I notice is her absence. I live in Croatia so I grew up being excited about summer and my trip to Kosovo because I knew someone was waiting for me here. Someone was waiting for me with a lot of excitment. Who is gonna wait for me now? The cold walls of my empty house? I hope time helps me heal. I hope time takes away some of the heavy weight from my chest. I don’t know what to say. I hope my wonderful grandma knows I’ll never forget about her. I hope my wonderful grandma knows how much I loved her. I hope she knows how much she has helped by just being my grandma. I will always remember you, I will include bits of you in everything I’ll do in life. I don’t know what to say anymore. I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad but this time, I will not be able to listen to you because this time, I have no one who’s words sound promising. I miss you so much already. I love you so much and I’ll love you more and more and more as I grow older. Thank you for my wonderful mother and all these cute cousins. Thank you for loving me so much and thank you for giving me the chance to love you back. I hope you never give up on me. I’ll be counting on your help from above.

♡ Albesa