Mad, sad, grateful and optimistic (two weeks of mixed emotions)

Saturday / September 7, 2019

I’ve felt a lot these past two weeks but I just couldn’t convert those feelings into letters. Everything felt wrong somehow. I’ve been struggling to express myself lately so I didn’t want to force anything. It happens, it’s okay. Today is the day though, I’m here, ready to take a step back and let it all out so let me tell you what’s been going on. Here we go. Every single day has been full of mixed emotions lately. I’m sad but happy. I’m heartbroken but fulfilled. I feel stuck but I’m also noticing how much I’ve grown. I feel disconnected from the world but also more connected than ever; all at the same time. What is this? And so I thought to myself while I was on my way to yesterday’s therapy session; ‘what do I even want to talk about?’ I arrived, I sat down and boom; I couldn’t stop talking. I had so much to say. I noticed right away where the mixed feelings were coming from. I didn’t communicate with myself at all in these past 2 weeks. I allowed myself to get carried away by negativity, madness, sadness. It was mainly what I was noticing. There were a few beautiful moments in between, like random acts of kindness in public transport, but other than that, I was mad and sad about something every day. Now that I’ve sat down in order to have a proper conversation with myself, I realized that I got consumed by my surroundings. I’m surrounded by a lot of people on a daily basis. I dislike a lot of them. I’m thankful for my job and the opportunity to work, however, I must admit I’m negatively surprised by my colleagues almost every day. The entitlement, the tone of the voice, the body language, the way people talk about each other, how fast information spreads, wow, just wow. And since I go to work every day, I hear stuff I wouldn’t want to hear so I really do understand why I’ve been mad. I must admit I’ve lost a lot, if not almost all of my motivation for work by now. Luckily, I only have three more weeks of it left before I’m back in college. I know I’m gonna miss the company because it’s truly amazing but honestly, truthfully, I can’t wait for it to end. You know what’s going through my mind now that I’m writing this? ‘What if my colleagues see this someday’? Well, nothing, this is my personal experience this year and it’s okay that I’m not so happy with it. I didn’t like it as much as I did last year, I didn’t really click with my team this year, and I’ve been going through a lot myself as well which didn’t really help with being a little bit more talkative. The things I mentioned above don’t apply to everyone. Moving on to the next thing, much more important, that has had a negative impact on me: neverending family dramas. It’s funny to me how I’m always surprised by the way my sisters and I get misunderstood by our parents. We say one thing, our parents hear something completely different. We try to explain what we want and what we want is always super crazy to them. How do we find a way to communicate effectively? We end up fighting and yelling and getting nowhere. We end up going backward with every fight. I notice that my sisters use harsh words very often and even though I understand where their negative emotions are coming from, I think it would help us altogether if they tried to communicate in a more calm way and choose their words more carefully. And last but not least, the most important concern I’ve had; my relationship with myself and my eating disorder. I haven’t written about it that much but it’s been really tough. Six years of suffering, and trying to rebuild my relationship with food. It has exhausted me physically, mentally, emotionally. I’m not doing that good, and I’m finally considering to seek for professional help. I think I’ve tried to do it by myself for too long. I somehow thought it wasn’t that bad. But it is bad. I feel like a different person when I get carried away by my sadness and try to comfort myself with food. I need help and I acknowledge that. It’s scary but I’m ready to open up about it. We’ll see what happens. For now, what matters to me is that I’m willing to give it a try. All in all, I’m doing just fine, sometimes mad but mostly very optimistic. Talk to yourself, ask yourself how you’re doing and pay attention to what thoughts you hold on to. You and I, all of us, will never stop hearing stuff we don’t want to hear but that doesn’t have to be the reason our days get ruined. Create a distance from everything that doesn’t feel good to you. Carry on with your day focusing on the good stuff and being genuinely grateful. That’s what I did today, and see, I was able to sit down, and understand what was going on. Everything becomes more clear once you start getting rid of the unhealthy and unnecessary. I think we all have to do more of that.

Take care.

Til’ next time. 

♡ Albesa

 

Food, unhealthy habits and becoming healthier

[3:10 PM / Monday / August 6 2018]

This past week that we left behind was one of the hardest weeks in quite some time. I felt down every single day and it was so exhausting to spend my time like that. I had zero energy and zero willingness for anything which made me realize that I still have a lot of work to do. I’ve been struggling with eating disorders for years now. Back in 2013. I made a very unhealthy decision which affected my life in a way I never thought it would. My uncle was getting married and 15 years old Albesa thought she was too fat to look good in a dress. So what did she do? She decided to starve herself in order to lose weight and look good in that dress she had imagined in her head. Naive, stubborn, and uninformed 15 years old Albesa made a decision that affected her life way more than she thought it would. Now, what happened after that? Did she lose weight? Did she look good in that dress she wanted to wear? 15 years old Albesa started eating 200 kcal per day, lost 10 kg in about a month and started working out like crazy. She lost weight but she also lost a piece of herself without even realizing it. Why am I saying this? I’m saying it because, during the starvation, she became obsessed and not only was she becoming physically unhealthy but also mentally. 15 years old Albesa developed anxiety because even after all the starvation that was done, she still felt fat. She felt uncomfortable and had zero wish to talk to anyone, be around anyone or do anything. A month and a half went by, the wedding is over and it’s time to go back to the normal daily/school life. 15 years old Albesa lost the ‘extra’ weight and now she wants to enjoy food again. She wants to enjoy food but not gain back the weight she had lost. 15 years old Albesa is back at it again with those unhealthy decisions, this time it was eating how much she wanted because she deserved it after all of that starvation, enjoying it and then throwing up once she was done with binge eating. Eat until you’re about to explode and then run to the bathroom in order to throw up. That’s the method she thought was perfect for maintaining the skinny figure. It didn’t last for long because her stomach started to hurt and she knew she had to stop doing that. I wish someone could have mentioned her the word balance or the word health, which was already damaged at that point. She stopped throwing up but what about the binge eating? Well… that’s where the situation gets even worse. 15 years old Albesa made an unhealthy decision which has been coming after me, the person that I am now, the 20 years old Albesa. I’ve been fighting to overcome the unhealthy habits 15 years old Albesa once made. I don’t blame her at all, she was under pressure because people always judged her for being ‘a little chubby.’ Being young, naive and uninformed, she just wanted to be someone people didn’t laugh at. I’ve been struggling with that unhealthy habit of binge eating ever since then, it’s emotionally draining and it has caused me a lot of negative emotions because it feels like no matter what I do, I just I can’t overcome it. I still take it too far very often. I have been trying to improve my relationship with food so hard because I know I have to. I don’t want to look at food as something I have to avoid. That’s exactly why it didn’t work so many times. Human beings can’t avoid food because food is fuel. We need food in order to function properly. We need food in healthy portions and once I improve my portion sizes, once I become even better at self-control, my life is gonna change the way I want it to. I don’t want to restrict myself and tell myself ‘you shouldn’t eat that’ all the time. I’m not an overweight person even though I could be fitter for sure. In my case, it’s more about mental health than the way I look. Of course, the way I look matters too, but for me, it has been an emotional and mental journey, not just the way I look in a dress. My goal is to enjoy food to the point where I know I’ve had it enough to nourish my body, mind, and soul and then be able to stop. I want to be able to stop eating the moment I feel it’s becoming uncomfortable to handle it. It’s important to create an eating plan that is realistic. For example; if you’ve been a person who has been struggling with binge eating for years, like me, it’s gonna be extremely hard for you to succeed the first time you try. Why? Because you’re gonna get into it with the ‘all or nothing’ or ‘go hard or go home’ mindset which means you’re gonna create and try to follow a strict plan that doesn’t allow you to ever enjoy a cake or a cookie. It’s not going to work. Overcoming unhealthy habits is a long journey and it should be approached step by step, one step at a time, not all at once. You can’t cut off all the ‘unhealthy’ food and expect yourself not to eat a single piece of cake for 2 months. Rather than that, create a plan that allows you to eat a piece of cake every now and then but without binge eating. We’re talking about one piece of cake, not the entire 10000 kcal cake. Self-control is what I’m talking about. Self-control and balance are what we need with everything in life. It’s better to eat a piece of cake once a week, than not eat a cake for 2 months and then eat an entire cake all at once and feel mentally and physically sick afterward. Give yourself some space for becoming better and healthier, it doesn’t happen overnight. You don’t become a person with amazing self-control overnight. It takes time and it takes realistic planning. When your plan is realistic, your goals start becoming realistic. Create a realistic plan that doesn’t cause you anxiety because deep down you know it’s not gonna work (it happened to me a million times), follow it step by step without pressuring yourself and be patient. Results will come, health will come and unhealthy habits will get gone. Overcoming unhealthy habits is my goal and with my positive mindset, a realistic plan, patience, and support, I am more than sure that I’m gonna achieve it. 20 years old Albesa got this!

Here’s a little method I created about how to be better at approaching life:

Start treating yourself as if you were one of your best friends. You never want to hurt any of your best friends, right? Treat yourself with love, respect, loyalty, and honesty. Stay patient with yourself even after you’ve messed up a little bit, it’s not as bad as it seems in your self-critical mind. Give yourself advice and invest time in becoming a better and healthier person. Encourage and support yourself. Stop with that negative, self-destructive talk. Inspire yourself and go after the person you want to be.

ps: a part of this story was written in the third person because it’s my way of describing situations I put myself in back when I knew almost nothing of what I know now. 

Love, Albesa