[11:28 PM / Thursday / July 18, 2019]
What a day it has been. A day depressed Albesa from two years ago thought would never ever come. I got accepted to college today. I really got accepted to college today. I start classes in October. I’m gonna be studying social work, which is basically a mixture of psychology, family law and human’s rights. And it’s unbelieavble. It feels surreal. I’ve written about my past college experience before, I’ve written about how I had to drop out in order to focus on my mental health, I’ve written about college and education in general, and now I’m here writing about it again, and this time, writing about it makes me happy. This time, my words about college don’t sound like they’ve been taken from some ancient tragedy. This time, I’m writing about it full of hope and dreams. My past college experience was painful. It left me with a lot of self-doubt. Going back to college feels terrifying. I’m afraid it won’t turn out as I imagine it. I’m afraid of ‘failing’ like I did last time. But I have to remind myself that I’m not that person from two years ago. I managed to survive those dark days. I’m managing to survive these dark days too. I’m scared but this wish to try again, is just so, so big. This amount of willingness inside of me is surprisingly big. I have no idea where it’s coming from. Or maybe I do. I have a vision. A vision that makes me go for it no matter how far away it may seem. No matter how hard times could get. I have a vision, a dream which I found when my first college journey ended. This is my second chance. Thanks to that first awful experience, I’m at a place where I’ve actually always wanted to be. I’ll study as hard as I can. I know it won’t be easy but I have nothing to complain about. I don’t want to complain. I want to take care of my energy and spirit. I refuse to talk negatively. I just want to be grateful. Not everyone gets a second chance. And I’m not talking about college only; I’m talking about life in general. Two years ago, I thought I was gonna die in my sleep because of how severe my depression was at that time. Two years ago, I hardly saw any light. Speaking of today, all I can say is that I’m trying, I’m alive, and healthy, despite these hard and painful days without my grandma. Sad things happen all the time but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m beyond blessed. One door closes, another one opens. Mine took two years to open again. In those two years, I’ve grown, matured, got stronger, took my pain and learned to exchange it for patience, every single day. And now I’m here, ready to begin another journey, which will hopefully have a happy ending. A journey which will end up with me being able to help people. That’s all I want to do.
My dear people,
there isn’t a single thing in life that comes easy, especially not achieving your dreams. Give yourself some time and space to heal. The time you take for healing is not wasted. It’s necessary because only when you’re healing, you’re actually able to see what you’re capable of. And you’re capable of so, so much. Give yourself a break so you can help, see, hear and feel yourself properly.
Sometimes it gets very hard. By very hard I mean feeling low to the point where you start questioning the strength that’s left in you. Writing about everything that’s in my heart makes me realize that there are so many things that make me unhappy and it’s just really sad when you keep writing about your emotions and most of them are negative. What do I do, my dear people? At this moment, I’m more lost than I’ve ever been. Here’s a little story. I’ve always wanted to be a good student, achieve something big and make my parents proud. I applied for college, got in and attended classes knowing that I had mental health issues. You know what happened? It only got worse. I became even more depressed and even more anxious because I couldn’t focus and study. My parents kept asking me how it was going and each time it felt worse than the time before. I had to go to a place where I would be surrounded by hundereds of people and for an anxious person like me, it feels like hell. I knew I wasn’t ready for something that takes so much from a person but I rushed into it hoping I could make it somehow. The results are here. I feel like I have heavy weights on my back that none can take off me. I’m more depressed than ever and more miserable than ever. I’m trying to figure it out somehow, trying to make myself study and pass my exams but my dear people, I hope at least one of you, will be able to understand what’s it like to be a living mess, a person who struggles to calm their heartbeat that goes crazy because of anxiety caused by so many things at once. I don’t know what to do. I’m torn between dropping out of college so I can focus on my mental health and keep living like this so I don’t have to deal with my parents and them being disappointed in me. I’ve never wanted to disappoint anyone, especially not my parents who have given me so many possibilities. I’ve never wanted to make my parents think that I’m ungreatful. I hope I can figure things out somehow because living like this is exhausting and I’m running out of fuel…What would you do?
p.s. any advice will be appreciated.
My dear people, I have no clue where this is going. I felt the need to write so here I come. Anyway. I’ve been thinking about my family a lot lately and the things I can do to make it better. My family is already pretty great. It’s big, it’s loud and most importantly, it’s full of love. I remember how it used to be a few years ago. I used to fight with everyone, literally everyone. I know what I was going through but I think that’s not an explanation for my behaviour. Reading my old journal, I realized that I wasn’t aware of anything, I had no clue what I was doing. What I was going through was rough for me and I think it made me empty and blind. My mom and dad are the best people I’ll ever know. I know every child says that but I really mean that. They are strong, supportive and want me and my sibilings to succeed so bad! I had a conversation with my dad the other day and he told me to study hard so I wouldn’t have to go through what he went through. My grandpa was poor and that’s why my dad couldn’t go to school. I know my dad would have become the best doctor ever if he ever got the chance to get educated. The point of this story is to be thankful and careful. Let’s be honest here, I’m not the best student I could ever be. Things happen, it’s fine. I’m gonna have to study so hard to pass all of my exams. The thing is that I no longer think about how hard it’s gonna be. I think about the happiness and pride I’ll feel once I’m done with that. Now let me tell you a short story. I used to wake up in the morning feeling down because I would have to use public transport which I really dislike. I dislike it for multiple reasons but mainly because of my anxiety. Can you imagine? I, unfortunately, still suffer from anxiety which does affect my life but as I said before, it helped me realize who I was. Things have changed, nowdays I wake up feeling greatful that I even get to go to school. I try to occupy my mind with positive thoughts to the point where I don’t even think about the one hour public transport ride which actually isn’t that bad at all. The power that is inside of us is so insanely big. I’ve learnt that I can control my mind and my thoughts and that what I can’t control shouldn’t make me so upset. Confronting what you can’t control is the best solution. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself: ”What can I do about it?” If you have answers, great for you. Do what you can and make the situation better. If there is nothing you can do about it, confront it and accept it the way it is. I’m proud of my dad and his achievements no matter what. He didn’t have the opportunity to go to school and I can’t do anything about it. What I can do is be greatful for my opportunities and take the chances that I’ve been given. If you want to get inspired, just listen. Listen to your family, your friends or strangers you see in public transport. I don’t fight with my family anymore. I’ve listened and I’ve learnt. I’ve listeneted and I’ve grown. And I still have a lot to learn and even more to grow.
I have found myself drowning in my own thoughts many times and it feels like a true mess when you don’t know how to escape from your own mind that works like a machine. Going to college has made me more anxious than I have ever been but also more aware. I personally dislike public transport just because I find it hard to be surrounded by a lot of people but there are good things about it too. It takes me about an hour to get to college so I stare at Zagreb’s beautiful architecture, take out my planner and write and write and write during my ride. I write down my feelings, my thoughts, my ideas but I also write what I hear and see and believe me, a lot of things happen in public transports so there are a lot of things to see and hear. I see how people look on Monday mornings, I see their stressed faces while going to work and doing things they probably don’t like, I see 16 year-olds smoking while waiting for their buses to arrive and I see old people selling fresh fruit on stands trying to make some money to survive. Coming home from college on a cold winter night makes me accept the fact that things don’t always work out the way I want them to. I will fail my exams a lot of times, I will lose my motivation and I will have to try hard until I succeed. At the end of the day, those things will make me work harder because hard work and effort can’t betray me or you or anyone. College is a challenge, life is a challenge in general but also an opportunity that a lot of people don’t get. No matter how sad it makes me to hear the way people talk to each other, it also inspires me. It inspires me to keep being nice on Monday mornings when people least expect it.