It’s not over

[6:29 PM / Sunday / July 14, 2019]

Something felt off the moment I woke up today and I’ve been trying to figure out what it is but haven’t managed to yet. I wish I could say that I’m living my best life but at the moment, I’m far, far away from that. From dealing with grandma’s death which is by far the most painful thing I’ve ever had to accept to dealing with family dramas on a daily basis, I’m trying really hard not to get consumed by it. And it’s hard, very hard. Then there is other stuff; anxiety, being tired of my own self and how irresponsible I am with myself sometimes, not knowing where I stand with people, to feeling like I know nothing at all. How bad is all of that? Can I still live a healthy life despite all of that? Yes, for sure, but as long as I’m keeping my mind on everything that makes me upset, healthy life is gonna feel very distant. The situation I’m in right now is painful, uncomfortable, and it requires a lot of patience, which I sometimes don’t know where to get. I’m alive though. I’m alive and breathing and making it to another day, every day, which proves that in reality, it isn’t THAT bad. I mean it is, but it isn’t, if you know what I mean. I’m still waking up, going to work, improving my eating habits which is, surprisingly, going very well. I’m still going to therapy, trying to help myself get better, learn, grow, improve. I’m still determined to go to college which is terrifying after my last college experience. So many things are terrifying but I’m somehow still not completely defeated. Nothing is easy when you don’t believe in yourself, not even the simplest things. I’m tired, and I need to rest more than ever. I need to give myself a break. I need to set more boundaries. Not everything requires my reaction and that’s why I need to let myself be in peace, even when others aren’t. I don’t have the solution to every problem that I or someone I love might face. It’s still fine. You know what’s not fine? Deciding to accept your misery isn’t fine. Having chances to improve your life but not taking them isn’t fine. Deciding not to try again anymore isn’t fine. I don’t want to sound harsh but life isn’t always sweet, in fact, most of the times it isn’t, so if we’re not gonna keep going, what else can we do? If I let my sadness consume me, I’ll eventually die, and you’ll eventually die too. I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow, and as much as I want to sleep for an entire year straight, I’m actually thankful for it. My days are not filled with happiness, my days are filled with sadness. I’m just learning to live with this new form of pain brought by my grandma’s death. It’s been terrible. I’ve been trying to accept the fact that she’s not counting down the days till I go to Kosovo like I am. I can’t say that I’m fine at the moment but I must not stop believing that life can still be beautiful. I’m young. I’m trying. I’m just another human. What I’m going through is a part of the human experience. This is not the final destination of my human experience. It’s still not over. 

I’ll be fine, we’ll be fine. 

Love and light,

♡ Albesa

 

 

Nostalgia, melancholy, grandma

[9:06 PM / Monday / July 8, 2019]

It’s been raining for a couple hours now. I was  anxiously staring through the window trying to catch some breath and it seemed like the trees where breathing in and breathing out. It was strange and amazing, I’ve never seen anything like that before. Anyway. Things haven’t been the best for a long time now, but life is just so empty ever since grandma died. It has become hard to wake up and feel the willingness to start the day. I don’t know if it makes me more happy or more sad, but I often look at old photos so I can go back to those days when I didn’t even want to go to sleep because of how much I enjoyed life all the time. My big family meant the world to me, my siblings, my cousins, all growing up in the same house filled with so much love and joy. We started dealing with bullies at a young age, but we had each other so we managed to make our days in Croatia pretty good. Summer vacations in Kosovo at grandma’s house were amazing. I don’t remember questioning where my home was. My home was wherever I went because I was surrounded by so much love and light. I had something to look forward to every day. And now, where am I now? I’m surrounded by a lot people but I’m actually on my own, trying to survive these sad days somehow. Trying to find an explanation even though I know I’m not gonna find it. Everyone is so distant. Every little thing has changed. I wish I could say for the better. That big amount of joy I used to feel, got completely replaced by misery. And it’s unbelieavble. It’s devastating.  We’ve all gone our separate ways, we barely talk. Only me and my cousin Flor have maintained the relationship we’ve always had. Where is everyone else? Weren’t we all best friends or something? Everyone started growing up and leaving. One by one. Suddenly, it became more important to show off to the world. Suddenly, it became easy to criticize each other without even asking ‘what’s going on?’ Suddenly, it became cool to pretend you don’t know your own sibling. We’ve been raised with the theory that family is everything. I’ve never liked theories. I’ve never liked words. Where is my dad? Can my dad talk to me for a minute? Where is my brother? Driving around with his friends in his brand new expensive car while our mom is waiting for him to come home from work? My mom’s worried face breaks my heart but there is nothing I can do because I’m not her big son and, that’s who she misses the most. I wonder if I’m the only one who would rather go back in time and be how we used to be than stay in this sad reality? Life goes on and it’s gonna be okay but I can’t help but wonder; is everyone really having so much fun? Is anyone as nostalgic as I am? Can someone tell me a way to cope? Can grandma come back to life so I can count the days til I get to see her? Can grandma come back to life so I can call her and tell her about my day?

My biggest love, my inspiration, my sunshine. My biggest truth in life.

Send me some light so I can carry on.

I miss you so much.

♡ ♡ ♡ Albesa

Me, my mother and grandma

[10:25 PM / Thursday / June 27, 2019]

I’ve had this heavy feeling inside my chest ever since grandma died. I haven’t slept properly since grandma died. I want to see her so badly, but she is nowhere to be seen, not even in my dreams. Why? Nothing helps. Right now, it seems like it’s only getting harder as time is passing by. I still can’t believe it. I still don’t understand it. My heart is heavy, full of sadness. I can only imagine how painful it will be to go back to her house and not have her give me a warm welcome hug. All of my memories with her will run through my brain and I will fall apart, again and again and again. I will fall apart wanting to go back to my wonderful childhood at grandma’s house. And I know it’s okay. I allow myself to fall apart because it’s a part of my realest self; to fall apart and pick myself up again. It’s actually what I’m very good at. But how can I pick up my dear mother? My mother whose sad eyes break my heart into a million tiny pieces of pain. My mother who has lived her entire life missing her mother because she lived miles and miles away from us. My mother who hasn’t slept properly for months now because she didn’t want her mother to die alone? Oh dear mother, your mother is gone and as much as it hurts, we have to keep going. Dear mother, your wonderful mother, my wonderful grandma, always wanted us to be happy. So that’s what we have to strive for. We will go through this pain together, and help each other get used to it. Mother, you are heartbroken; I can see it and feel it even though you’re trying to keep yourself together so I don’t break down. But mother you don’t have to worry about me. You don’t have to keep your pain to yourself. Let it out mother. I understand you. Mother I have my own pain to deal with but your pain seems even heavier. Mother, let me carry a little bit of your pain so it’s not too heavy for you. Mother, give me your pain so I can turn it into love and give it back to you. Mother I love you, but I’ll never be able to love you like grandma did. Not that I don’t want to but because grandma loved everyone in a way no one else ever could. I’m an ordinary person and grandma was everything but ordinary.

We miss you grandma.

♡ ♡ ♡ Albesa

Remembering grandma

[1:14 AM / Saturday / June 22, 2019]

I’m usually afraid of the idea that I’m wasting my time so I try to make the most out of it by doing things I love, but these days I want time to pass as fast as possible. These days, I don’t  want to do anything else besides get used to the pain. But how do I do that? It’s only been a week. I lost my wonderful grandma. The person I felt most connected to, most loved by is gone whether I want to believe it or not. I’ve seen it with my own eyes how they buried her. I’ve seen it with my own eyes how they threw cold mud at her. And I stood there completely shocked and speechless refusing to believe that I was saying my final goodbye to her. My grandma, who was so loving, so kind, and so pure, is now someone I’ll only keep alive in my memories and my heart. My grandma is now someone who I’ll have to talk to without expecting a response. From now on, I can only guess what she would say to me if she was still here. From now on, I’ll only be able to remininsce her words when I’d call her and tell her about my ‘rough day’. She always knew what to say. She always made sense to me. She had a soft voice and a beautiful mind, her words just sounded promising. I’ve been preparing myself for this for two months now, so I asked a dear friend of mine who is familiar with pain: ‘does it ever get less painful?’ He replied: ‘it doesn’t get less painful, you get used to the pain and the fact that that person is gone.’ But you can never prepare yourself for something like this. You can never get used to it before it happens. You can only imagine it. And you’re lucky if you can only imagine it because when it really happens, there’s no going back. I’ve seen it in movies, I’ve heard about it from other people but only now am I obligated to understand what death really means. And as of now, I’m not able to understand it yet. But according to my friend’s words, I guess I will as time passes by. I’ll hold on to that theory and hope for the best. I’ll love you forever and ever and ever. And I’ll love you more and more and more as I grow older. Only growing and learning about the world and life itself, will I be able to love you how you always deserved. I have a lot to learn and a lot of love to give to you, even though you will never respond to it again.

Faleminderit per cdo kujtim te bukur qe ma fale gjyshja jem e dashur. T’kisha mujt me kthy pak kohen e me ardh n’Kosove pak ma shpesh, me beso e kisha kthy. Shpresoj qe e din sa shume dashni kom pas per ty, shpresoj qe cdo her kur t’kom than ‘gjyshe t’du shume’ e ke ni me zemer, jo veq me veshet. Me mungon dhe do t’me mungosh gjithmone. Krejt cka ti je kon, une do e mbaj gjall permes vetit.

♡ ♡ ♡ Albesa

Grandma

[11:02 PM / Monday / June 17, 2019]

What a day it has been. A day I knew was about to come but never knew how painful it could be. A day so long I feel like it has lasted a thousand years. Grandma is gone. My wonderful grandma is gone. This level of pain is paralyzing. I’m speechless. I can’t believe. I still can’t believe. I don’t know which words to use because nothing comes close to how I’m feeling right now. I try not to fall apart but the more I try the more I fail. I’m devastated. I’m heartbroken. I’ve been waiting for this ever since she got hospitalized two months ago. I didn’t want her to suffer so I thought of death as a good option for her. But there is no coming back from death. There is no coming back once your heart stops beating. I’m speechless, shocked, scared, broken…She meant so much to me. She meant the absolute world to me. An entire world in one person. She was so loving, so kind, so soft, so wonderful. She was so pure. She was amazing. And I, I’m trying to remember the words she would say to me when I’d call her and tell her that I’m sad. She had a wonderful voice, a wonderful mind that would calm down the storm inside my head. Who am I going to call now? Who is ever gonna love me so much? Who am I ever gonna love so much? I miss her so much already and I just said the final goodbye to her. I’m at her house here in Kosovo. The house seems empty without her. There are so many people around me but the only thing I notice is her absence. I live in Croatia so I grew up being excited about summer and my trip to Kosovo because I knew someone was waiting for me here. Someone was waiting for me with a lot of excitment. Who is gonna wait for me now? The cold walls of my empty house? I hope time helps me heal. I hope time takes away some of the heavy weight from my chest. I don’t know what to say. I hope my wonderful grandma knows I’ll never forget about her. I hope my wonderful grandma knows how much I loved her. I hope she knows how much she has helped by just being my grandma. I will always remember you, I will include bits of you in everything I’ll do in life. I don’t know what to say anymore. I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad but this time, I will not be able to listen to you because this time, I have no one who’s words sound promising. I miss you so much already. I love you so much and I’ll love you more and more and more as I grow older. Thank you for my wonderful mother and all these cute cousins. Thank you for loving me so much and thank you for giving me the chance to love you back. I hope you never give up on me. I’ll be counting on your help from above.

♡ Albesa

(Un)healthy perfectionism

[7:59 PM / Tuesday / June 11, 2019]

I’m struggling to convert my feelings into words right now and I really wish someone could get inside my brain for a bit and see what’s going on. There is so much stuff I’ve been thinking about lately. I’m confused, lost, sad, happy, excited; all at the same time. As I’ve written in my previous stories, I started going to therapy again. Therapy is a very eye-opening experience for me and even though I don’t notice it right away, I learn so much about myself with every session. Our main focus this year is me and my relationship with myself which has been damaged over the past few years. I’m someone who,  unfortunately, still struggles with anxiety and unhealthy habits. I try to be kind to myself, and it does wonders, however, my fear, my doubt, my disbelief in myself ruin my wellbeing on a daily basis. I’m a perfectionist and I’m extremely self-critical, which makes my life complicated. No matter what I do, I always feel like I could have done better and even when something turns out really, really good, better than I expected, I never give credit to myself for that. Here’s a perfect example: last year, I applied for a job which among other requirements, required being fluent in Albanian. I applied, got invited for an interview and got the job. I worked for 4 months only, but my results were, according to my manager, beyond than expected. I would always get told to be proud of myself and that I was really good at what I was doing. My 4-month contract ended and even though I know how hard I worked, I always thought I got the job only because I was fluent in Albanian. I never once thought about the fact that I got the job because of my positive spirit,  great communication skills, and speaking three other languages. I had more to offer than just my Albanian and people around me saw that, but I didn’t. I applied this year too and got the job once again. My therapist told me the other day ‘there are many Albanians in Croatia Albesa, but they wanted you, and you should feel free to clap for yourself, you deserve it.’ True, there are a lot of Albanians in Croatia, I know, but ever since I left college to recover from depression, it’s been hard for me to believe that I can actually succeed at something. The fear of failure is so strong and so discouraging it makes me feel helpless. But then again, when I think about things in a different way, in a way that is good for me, when I put my past experiences behind, it feels surreal but I’m really able to see my abilities. I really don’t suck at everything (wow did I just say that?) I’m learning to appreciate myself, what I do, be aware of my qualities and be proud of myself. I’m learning to see and believe that I’m actually good at a lot of things. Yes, there’s always room for improvement but that has nothing to do with feeling like you’re not good enough. Room for improvement means good but can also be better and that’s exactly how I want to see myself; good but constantly doing better. That’s the kind of perfectionist I’m striving to be, a healthy perfectionist. 

I’m taking it day by day, one step at a time. It’s not easy but I know I’ll be just fine. I’m already feeling better just by writing about all of this. Here’s to many more stories, happy ones, sad ones, whatever. I often don’t believe it but I’m strong enough to handle it all, and my dear people, so are you.

Albesa

 

Back to therapy: an update

[7:44 AM / Tuesday / May 28,2019]

I woke up feeling content today. I woke up feeling like life wasn’t a mess; which wasn’t the case up until four days ago. Rough times are a part of it, but not all of it and this is something everyone of us should remind themselves because things are much more bearable that way. I’m on my way to work right now and I’m happy I’ve learned majority of the stuff I was stressed about. My co-workers don’t seem to like me asking questions all the time so I’m glad that I’m almost ready for working independently. I’m getting there and I seriously can’t wait. Now let me share something very important with you. I’m back to therapy. Not because I’m depressed again, but because I started losing myself in all of the things that I was worried about. My anxiety was getting really bad so I decided to ask for help and go to therapy for a little bit this year too. I learned a lot last year but I have to admit that I was mostly learning how to cope with things I can’t control. I want this year’s therapy to be more about me and what I actually can control. So I went to therapy last Friday. I wasn’t the happiest after that session but everything made more sense once I came home. I thought about everything using more logic and less emotions. I could see myself and my life better that way. I could see stuff that I can improve and how to do it. I told myself to stop having high expectations of myself; just do your best, whatever it is at the moment. One really big and important thing I was worried about was college. And an even bigger and more important thing is that I’ve found a college I want to go to. I can’t wait to be back in college. I think education is very important and if you have the possibility and privilege to get educated, I suggest you take the chance. I know it’s not for everyone however I do think it’s worth trying; you never know. I had no idea about this college before I went to therapy, my therapist mentioned it and said it was a good a idea. I went home, informed myself about it a little bit more, loved the idea of it and I applied right away; now all I can do is wait and hope I get in (I’m gonna write about it more soon). I’m grateful  for my health, the possibility to work and earn money, the possibility to afford therapy, the possibility to go to college; none of it is ever taken for granted. I appreciate it all. Just wanted to put that out there. That’s pretty much it my dear people, this was just an update on something that matters to me. Now let’s get to work; I’m in the office trying to finish this story and not get caught using my phone so much. Gotta go, but as always, be kind to yourself. 

Til’ next time.

♡ Albesa

24 hours

[11:50 PM / Wednesday / May 15, 2019.]

I have to wake up early in the morning but I’m having troubles falling asleep today. I’m overwhelmed, scared, and terrified. I doubt myself way too much, I doubt my ability to focus and learn new things, and no matter what I do, I always feel like I could’ve done better.  I’ve progressed a lot but there is still a lot of work left to put in. Now that I have a job that requires a lot of effort and attention, I see that it’s still quite hard for me to maintain my focus; I get distracted easily and have to repeat a certain thing multiple times before I can fully understand what it’s about. The company that I work for is giant and worldwide known so the pressure is at a very, very high point right now. I’m getting there slowly and I know this is all new to me but I’m always afraid of not being able to do something; it’s an unsolved thing from the past. I want to give myself some support, time and space to adapt to this new routine. I know it’s normal to feel confused and scared when you’re a beginner so why do I torture myself so much? It’s actually okay to feel a little lost so I have to make sure I don’t freak out as much. Step by step.

[1:13 AM / Thursday / May 16, 2019.]

I still haven’t been able to fall asleep. There are so many things going through my mind. All I know is that I don’t want to waste my life away by criticizing myself so much. I’ve suffered a lot in the past and it’s never easy or comfortable but life doesn’t stop there. I don’t take life for granted. There are big things waiting for me to achieve them and I can no longer postpone taking action because of my fear of failure. I want to work on myself harder than ever before. I feel like I need to be there for myself more than ever. It’s been a little too long since I’ve last had a proper conversation with myself, and I think that’s why things started getting out of control. Is it really that bad? In reality, not at all; in my head, sometimes. My overthinking makes me scared of things that in reality don’t even exist. I’m not a failure, I know I’m not but sometimes I feel like one. And it sucks.

[8:15 AM / Thursday / May 16, 2019.]

I’m on my way to work and I think I’ve calmed down a little bit. I’m gonna take some time to breathe today. I’m gonna pay more attention to my thoughts today; I’m not gonna allow my fear control my entire brain. I’m smart and capable of learning everything that I need to learn. Things take time. I’m scared but I can do it. I got this.

[5:14 PM / Thursday / May 16, 2019.]

I’m on my way home. Today was a great day at work. I switched my mindset and managed to calm down. I told myself some nice words. I’m not sure how I did it but I didn’t let my doubt/fear get in the way. That way I was able to focus on what I had to do. I successfully completed all of my daily tasks. I took my time, I made sure I was breathing properly and I did things my way. Learning new things takes time and I must never be so hard on myself. I’m gonna try harder than ever not to freak out when I find myself in the middle of something unknown. It’s not that bad, it really isn’t.

[9:46 PM / Thursday / May 17, 2019.]

People keep surprising me; some for how amazing they are, some for how egoistic they are. I don’t want to go too deep into that because I don’t want to criticize anyone. What I want to do is express the gratitude that I have for every single person who has ever shown me support. I truly appreciate it and it means so, so much to me. Since this entire story is related to work and my job, I want to mention a co-worker of mine who has been kind to me from the very first day. Open, friendly, cheering me up, encouraging me and telling me stuff that really makes work, and life in general, seem less scary, it truly makes me happy to see there are genuine people out there who are willing to help me. I’m thankful. It’s Friday tomorrow and I’m ready for it. Step by step, day by day, lesson by lesson. It’s all okay. That’s pretty much it, good night my dear people. Be kind to yourself, it helps more than anything else. We got this.

♡ Albesa

Alive

[1:36 PM / Saturday / May 11, 2019.]

I found myself walking down the same street I used to walk every day about three years ago, and I remembered how different life was back then. Things I never thought would happen to me, things I never thought I would be okay with, things I never thought I would get over were on my mind all day that day; I felt like I got sent back in time. Now that I’m writing about it, I can’t help but wonder; how would my life look like if certain things, both good and bad,  didn’t happen? But then again, I ask  myself, what’s the point of doing that when I know I can’t change anything. I don’t know if it’s destiny, karma, the universe or just a coincidence. Maybe it only happens to the ones who can make the most out of it. But does it even matter? I don’t think it does since I’m here, alive, healthy and breathing. I’m learning, growing, and improving day by day. I’m trying not to question everything. I’m very grateful. I’ve even found the courage to talk about all of this, which I never thought I would. I’m not ashamed like I thought I would be. What is even there to be ashamed of; all I’m talking about is a part of the experience as a human being. Life is by no mean perfect, but so far, I’ve handled everything that for some reason came my way. I don’t know those reasons but at this point, I think it’s more important to find reasons to keep going. 

♡ Albesa

Sadness and promises

[5:06 AM / Monday / May 6, 2019. ]

It’s been a month since my grandma got hospitalized and I’ve felt lost and confused ever since then. I’ve been thinking way too much. I know I haven’t been trying my best with anything in life. I haven’t cooked a single healthy meal, I haven’t taken a single walk, my sugar intake has been crazy high, I haven’t drank enough water and I haven’t read a single page of any book. I haven’t slept properly in a month, I feel tired emotionally and physically. I’ve treated myself poorly and I’m aware of it. When one thing hurts me, I lose myself completely, which is what’s going on now. I must learn to function on days like these.  My grandma, who means the world to me, is sick. These days are probably her last days and I’m away from her. I can’t see her or talk to her or hug her and let her know how much I love her. I’m devastated and heartbroken. And I’m even more devastated when I see my mom crying. It’s been a hard time for the entire family. No one is doing good at the moment. Negative energy has taken over our home. Instead of being more supportive and patient on these hard days, we’re being more distant and rude to each other, which is way more intense than how we usually are. I want to fix the situation but no one seems to care that much so I’m just gonna keep going. Everybody in this house is old enough to take responsibility for their words and actions, I don’t feel like calling out anybody. I’m really tired. It’s my first day at work today and it starts in a few hours. I haven’t slept at all and since the time to get up has almost come, I can start preparing myself for that ‘drunk and sad’ effect that usually comes along with a sleepless night. It’s okay, I’ll sleep better in a few days. Things will calm down. I will learn to find myself on days like these. I don’t want to cause myself even more sadness by treating myself poorly. I will focus on the food I eat, the words I say, and I will try to reduce the amount of scary thoughts my brain produces every second. It’s gonna be fine. I’m looking forward to getting back to the usual productive routine. Only then do I feel like my true self. 

Grandma, you always tell me not to pay attention to negative things in life and I promise I’ll try not to; not this much. You’re in my thoughts day and night. You inspire me to be better and take care of myself. I promise I will. 

I love you with my whole entire heart. 

Albesa 

Too much going on? (part two)

[11:28 PM / Friday / April 26, 2019]

A few days ago, I wrote a story about stuff that’s been going on lately. More and more stuff was coming to my mind as I was finishing that story so I thought I’d write a second part, and this is it. Part two, let’s do this! Okay, let’s start with some positive news. In one of my stories, I mentioned an e-mail that I was expecting and how it could change my life. It was a life-changing job opportunity which I didn’ get. Well, today I got an e-mail about a job that I did get! It’s not as life-changing but at least I’ll be productive, gain new experience and earn my own money; I’m not complaining. Sadly, that’s about it with the positive stuff. I’m still under a lot of pressure. My parents have been under a lot of pressure lately and they just pass it on me and my siblings, which really sucks. I can’t seem to find a healthy way to communicate with them; everything has been turning into an argument these days which is so, so tiring.  I’ve been experiencing terrible anxiety in the last couple of days which is why I’ve been struggling to sleep properly. I think about my parents, our family business, my college education, where I want to go, what I wanna do and stuff like that. I think about myself and how I’m very toxic with myself (and others) sometimes. I must accept my life more. I’m not in peace with a lot of things. I’m not in peace with how I treat myself sometimes, how I’ve been treated by others, how my family has been treated, I’m not in peace with my life in Croatia, I’m not in peace with my ‘failures’ that came with my depression and anxiety. I think about those things way more than I should and that’s exactly what makes me toxic. I’ve learned a lot from everything that I’ve written above, I am who I am because of some things I had to go through but I still get angry/sad. I’m learning to accept stuff and turn it into something positive. I’m learning to outgrow things that hurt me. I’m not there yet but I believe I’ll get there soon. What I’ve learned so far is how to rely on patience. I’m extremely patient even when I get angry so that’s a plus. I guess there are more pluses out there, I’ll figure it out. On the other side, good side, what gives me peace and courage to keep going is knowing that I’m willing to work on everything that still makes me sad. I’m willing to improve the quality of my life. I might visit my therapist again, not because I’m depressed again, but because I need to talk to someone. My friends are all going through some difficult stuff at the moment so I don’t really get to talk about my stuff that much. But it’s fine because sometimes I don’t even know what’s going on. Sometimes I don’t know how to express myself when I’m talking to other people; I find it much harder than writing like this. That’s pretty much it. I’ll try to calm down and freak out a little less so I can make decisions and have fewer question marks in my head. It’s gonna be fine. 

We got this.

♡ Albesa

 

 

 

 

Too much going on?

[4:53 AM / Monday / April 22, 2019.]

I’m coming here with a heavy heart and a head full of thoughts. It’s been a tough week, a really hard one. It’s been quite some time since I’ve last felt this tired. There are a couple of things going on right now and those things combined make a huge mess. A mess that makes you feel completely lost. I’m always fascinated by my ability to feel. I feel everything so deeply sometimes l don’t understand myself. It’s both, a blessing and a curse. A blessing because when I love something so much, it helps me exist and survive, it makes my days so much better, it fills me with joy and happiness. A curse because not everything I spend the night thinking about is worth it. A lot of things aren’t. And I still do it because, in my head, even the smallest things somehow become big; bigger than they are in reality. I could be fighting with my parents and the words they will say to me will be the number one thing on my mind for at least two days. I’ve heard those words a million times, I have them registered in my brain, I could sing them like a song if I wanted to but they still often make an impact like it’s the first time. They are by no mean, trying to hurt me, they just remind me of their expectations of me which I struggle to meet. They ask me about college so much and I literally have no idea what I’m gonna do about it. If I tell them that I have no idea, they automatically assume I’ve given up on education and then attack me for it. My parents obviously want the best for me but I’ve openly told them to stop pressuring me so much. I’ve just recently recovered from depression, everything is still challenging,  remaining calm and not freaking out is still a battle. I’m literally learning to live. I spent my teenage years in isolation. The time when people live to the fullest was my time to survive. Isolation was the only way to cope with everything that was going on. And now as a 21-year-old young adult, it’s still what I do. I isolate myself in order to get my thoughts together, in order to have an honest conversation with myself where I ask myself different questions and then give myself answers. It’s when I realize if something is really ‘that bad’ or not. I wouldn’t say I’m bad at telling people how I feel but most times, even when I make perfect sense to myself, I don’t make sense to people who I’ve tried telling how I feel. It’s a circle that gets you nowhere. I feel misunderstood very often. Whatever I’m talking about, I feel like it doesn’t come out the way I want it to so I end up feeling stupid. I usually think I’m pretty okay with expressing myself but it hasn’t been like that lately. Is it maybe other people not being able to understand what I’m saying and I’m making it about me like I always do? Yes, I struggle to find the right words to express myself sometimes but realistically speaking, it can’t be me always. I really don’t know. This story is all over the place but so are my feelings so I guess it’s okay. My dear grandma has been in the hospital for about a week now. Her health is now at the lowest point ever and the doctors told us to be prepared for everything. I can’t put it into words how painful it is to know that someone you love so much could die anytime. I’m afraid to check my phone when I wake up. I was 10 when I promised my grandma I would take her to Croatia when I would have turned 18. My grandma told me she highly doubted she would be alive by the time I turned 18. I turned 18 three and a half years ago and I never made it happen. Life changed so much. I’m so sorry. Can’t wait for some better days. I hope I figure things out. And my dear people, I hope you do too. It’s 6:04 AM now that I’m finishing this story (part two coming soon). I better get the hell out of the internet otherwise I’m gonna mess up my life even more!

Til’ next time!

♡ Albesa

 

 

Managing to stay calm, Kosovo and some other stuff

[3:14 PM / Sunday / March 31, 2019.]

I’m sitting in the backyard of my house enjoying today’s sunny day. The mountain that’s my view is just amazing and so inspiring. I’ve cleaned the house a little, I cooked a nice meal and now I’m here trying to figure out what’s been going on in my heart. I’ve been in Kosovo for a week now and oh boy, I’m so happy but full of mixed emotions at the same time. I don’t even know what I wanna say, I just know that I’m doing good and at this point, that’s all I care about. I have no clue where I’m going in life, I’ve already written that before and I mean it, but I’m managing to stay calm and let time show me what decisions I’m gonna make. I’m not trying to figure out everything at once and that is, my dear people, big progress for me. Me thinking about the future and constantly being afraid of it was one of the main causes of my anxiety. I still think about the future, of course, I do, but now I’m pretty much okay with the thought of things not going as planned. One door closes, another one opens. It’s always good to come to Kosovo to get away from the toxic atmosphere I’m surrounded by in Croatia. I’m always trying to find ways to feel at least okay with my life there but it’s always an on and off thing. I have everything that I need, but I always feel like a stranger. Does that have to be a bad thing though? On the other hand, life in Kosovo wouldn’t be a dream either. Kosovo is a country that I like to call a work in progress. There are a lot of things that must be improved here, a lot of people are still quite small-minded, sexism is a giant problem and job-related possibilities are very limited. Anyway, let’s go back to what I usually write about. I visited my grandma yesterday. She’s been suffering from Parkinson’s disease for ten years now and her health is worse than before every time I visit her. I’ve had a very close relationship with her ever since I can remember, everyone knows that I’m ‘qika gjyshës’ which in Albanian means ‘grandma’s girl’. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to see her not being able to walk independently or do anything else without someone else’s help. She can barely talk now and I could barely hear what she was telling me, a little because she was talking quietly and a little because I was sobbing. I could literally feel her pain while she was holding my stone-cold hand. My grandma is one of a very few people who has never ever criticized me and I’m so thankful for that. There are no words to describe the amount of love I have for her and that’s something that’s never going to change. I wish she didn’t suffer her entire life, I wish people she’s surrounded by every day cherished her a little more. I don’t really know what else to say, I’m gonna try and have a good time with my cousin best friend while we’re together here in Kosovo. Flor and I just go well together, it’s easy for us to be around each other. We never fight and it’s because we’re able to communicate and solve things before it’s too late. I just love us together and what we have. That’s pretty much it, my dear people. I hope whoever gets to read this is doing okay. Don’t forget to be kind to yourself and others around you. And be very, very grateful. 

Love, Albesa 

A glimpse of health

[10:54 PM / Saturday / March 17, 2019]

I have no idea what I wanna say but there is a little something inside my chest that I feel like expressing. I’ve been very calm for quite some time now. My life is far from perfect, I still struggle with some unhealthy habits, I have no clue where I’m going in life but I’m, surprisingly, not freaking out and it feels so, so, relieving. I’m trying to figure out ways to lessen self-destructive behavior. I used to obsess over the past and over the future so much that it made me unhealthy. I used to suffer all the time and it’s all because of the way I was treating myself, my thoughts and my mind. Of course, I still think about the past and the future but it’s so different now. Nowadays I think about both in a way that does not bring me down, in a way that makes me appreciate myself, and life in general, more. I appreciate my patience, my willingness to try again, my willingness to learn from painful situations and the effort I put into learning, growing and improving. I’m glad I decided to ask for help. That decision saved my life. I look back and all I can say is that, if you want to get better, improve yourself and your life, and be healthy, the first thing you have to do is stop being bitter. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Life happens, we make unhealthy decisions, we go through things we don’t deserve but think about it; what’s the best you can do in those situations? I think the best option is to learn from it, accept it no matter how hard it is and move on. Moving on means choosing to live life focusing and doing things that make you happy. I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m just listing some healthy possibilities that make life easier by practicing them. I’m mad sometimes, I think about how life is unfair sometimes, but I’m never bitter. And I’m not bitter because I choose not to be. I choose to be grateful instead. I choose not to waste my life counting what I’ve lost when there are so, so many good things I have in life. I’m healthy, I’m able to make healthy decisions, I have a family (a little crazy but oh well), I have not one, but two homes, in two different countries, I have a few friends who treat me the way I deserve to be treated and I have an endless wish to learn, grow and improve. I have a camera that I use for my creativity, I have a bunch of books that help my brain develop, I have this blog where I shamelessly write about my life and still feel good about it. All of that is priceless and remembering that every day is what makes life worth living. I’m sure that you, the person reading this, can also list quite a few amazing things that you usually take for granted. Write them down, remember how much they mean to you. I’ll never stop saying this; ask for help!!! You can try to paint a picture but ego is a transparent thing, easy to read and it’s present way before you are. Your energy can be felt before you say a single word. Talk to someone reliable, confront how you truly feel, use your possibilities. Focus on what benefits you. My dear people, before you start thinking your problems can’t be solved and that I’m probably someone who has a perfect life, please remember I’m someone who has just recently recovered from depression. I understand why people feel hopeless. I understand why people don’t want to leave the house. The things I write about are not just words to make me sound wise, it’s what I believe in, it’s what I know helps, and I know it from my own experience. The ‘it gets better’ really exists, recovery is real. Life will never be perfect, it just gets easier when you start choosing yourself and doing what’s good for you. Self-care is not selfish. People not being happy with decisions that you make believing they’re the best for you is not one of your responsibilities. You’re your only responsibility. Learn, grow, improve and then help others do the same. 

Health, love, and light to everyone.

Love, Albesa

 

Positive responsibilities

[9:00 PM / Thursday / February 28, 2019.]

Feeling like you’re not good enough? 

Thinking we’re not good enough has become easier than ever. We’re surrounded by unhealthy ideas and unrealistic expectations all the time, coming from people, social media, tv shows or food. In order to improve the quality of your life, taking care of your surroundings is a must. Pay attention to what kind of information you allow your mind to believe. Distance yourself as much as possible from everything that damages your well-being in any way. Understand that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. Be open to trying new things, especially the ones you don’t feel good enough for. I understand how scary this may sound but fear is mostly the product of our exaggerated imagination which is often way more upsetting than the reality itself. What happened before can’t be changed, you can only learn from it so live with your past, not in it. Appreciate your time and energy. Don’t belittle the qualities that you own. Eliminate lowering your standards for a temporary distraction that you’ll probably regret at some point. Choose/decide not to pay attention to unhealthy thoughts and ideas by instantly replacing them with some positive ones. Focus on what’s right in your life, I’m sure there are quite a few things you (unconsciously) take for granted. Be very, very grateful. Be consistent; put in the work required for that improvement you want for yourself. Ask for help.

And my dear people, don’t take words so personally. It’s not always you the one who sucks. The way people make you feel about yourself says a lot about how they feel about themselves.

Love, Albesa 

Emotions of this exact moment

[3:22 AM, Tuesday, February 12, 2019.]

I’m sitting on my bed, listening to music, thinking about life and how certain things happened. I’ve written about my mental health so much. I’ve tried to express my pain through letters and I don’t know if I did it well but let me cut it short and tell you: my life used to be a disaster. I was unhealthy, in every aspect possible. After going to therapy, and a few healthy decisions that I make every day, I’m here feeling healthy, learning more than ever, improving more than ever and minding my own business more than ever. But I’m also feeling confused. Why is it that when things are going well, something starts to suck so much? I guess this is just another proof that life is never going to be perfect. There is stuff we’ll never be able to control; the effort the other person puts into your relationship, for example. I’ve been a loyal friend, tried to be there for them as much as I could, always made sure they knew they’re loved and now I’m here thinking about where I stand with them. And as much as it breaks my heart to write this, I guess I don’t stand with them anymore. You know why? Because when I started going to therapy, learning about myself, analyzing my mind and my unhealthy habits, I realized I’ve given love to people who didn’t do the same for me, not in the same way I did for them. I realized I was investing effort and energy in relationships that would not exist without my investments. I’m not blaming anyone for anything, I’m just expressing my feelings from my viewpoint. Now that I’m learning and changing for the better, ending unhealthy relationships feels so, so uncomfortable even though they’ve caused me a lot of sadness. I’ve been a people pleaser my entire life and putting myself first just doesn’t feel natural to me. I’m still learning. Sometimes I even feel guilty. Times like those when guilt starts to take over me, I make sure I take a break and remember I did everything I could to make things work and that’s what gives me permission to continue working on myself without unhealthy ideas getting on my way. I’m not a perfect human, I don’t even strive to be one, I might have hurt people out of ignorance and I’m willing to accept it and learn from it but if I ever ask ‘how are you?’ it’s always genuine and coming straight from the heart. While recovering from depression, change, growth, and healthy decisions that, in the beginning, don’t even make sense are inevitable. I’m doing good, I’ve progressed so much and I’m really happy. I’ve been calm,  trying to eat as healthier as possible and appreciating my newly re-developed ability to focus and read books which I love so much. All of that is what I’m grateful for but speaking about right now, about this exact moment, I really can’t stop wishing I could help people get better. This is one of the things I have yet to understand; the fact that I can’t help everyone, especially not the ones who don’t want to be helped for one reason or another. I will have to accept that sometimes it’s better to leave people alone, let them figure it out by themselves and just wish them well. 

At this exact moment, I’m sad that there are less and less people that I can ask ‘how are you?’

I hope I’m making sense at least a little bit.

Love, Albesa

A little something

[4:36 AM / Sunday / February 10, 2019.]

Life is, I would say, a combination of sweet dreams and chaotic rush and in order to function properly our priority should be creating a life that embraces both, the good and the bad. The good because it makes us happy, the bad because it makes us learn.

And if you really want to, you’ll find a way to be fine; no matter what it takes and no matter how long it takes. You can love someone/something very, very much but if you asked me, I would say there is nothing in your life that’s more important than you. No matter what you decide, there are always gonna be people who won’t like your decisions, whether it’s your parents, your siblings, your friends or your partner. With that being said, I suggest you do what’s best for you. And don’t worry too much, the ones who agree and the ones who disagree, they’re both gonna be fine.

 Love, Albesa 

[12:17 AM / Sunday / February 10, 2019.]

I used to wonder sometimes, ‘why me?’ ‘Why did all these things have to happen to me?’ Then I realized how selfish that was. If it didn’t happen to me, maybe it would’ve happened to someone else, someone I don’t even know. Maybe someone else wouldn’t be as patient as me. Maybe someone else wouldn’t take their pain and learn to exchange it for growth. Maybe someone else wouldn’t be an optimist and believe it gets better.  Maybe someone else wouldn’t keep going. And since I’m here, alive, healthy and breathing, I guess it was meant to be for me. I don’t know how the universe works but maybe I was meant to save someone else. And even if I didn’t save anyone, I saved my stories, and that’s awesome too.

Love, Albesa

Freaking out and breathing

[1:55 AM / Sunday / January 13, 2019]

Hello my dear journal, my dear people, here I come again. Where else could I possibly go  with all of these emotions if not here? I don’t really know how to say it but I’m really scared. The environment I live in is unfortunately toxic and unhealthy, I feel the pressure coming from a bunch of different sources, I’m expecting an important job-related email that could really change my life for the better and I’m slowly starting to run out of patience with everything. I’ve been very calm these last two and a half months and in a really good place mentally. Every day has been a new start for me. I’ve been breathing and communicating with myself. ‘It’s all good’ I say and take a few deep breaths, and then go on with another positive thought which is ‘time will give you the answers, you’ll figure it all out.’ Now that I’m writing this and going through my emotions deeply, I realize how much it helps to write about them, talk about them and most importantly, analyze them. We have to stay in touch with our inner persona who sometimes goes way too far into the future. I have a fear of the unknown and since I don’t know what the future holds for me, I think it’s obvious why I’ve been feeling anxious. The unhealthy environment I live in makes me think about the future too much and that’s where my anxiety comes from. I want to remind myself that all I have is right now, not yesterday and not tomorrow. Since nothing is happening right now, I want to enjoy it and not waste it away by thinking about what my life will look like in a couple of months. Life is unpredictable, I don’t know if I’ll get that email. But even if I don’t get it, I want to believe I’ll create another opportunity for myself which will maybe work out even better. Who knows? I think it’s all gonna be good as long as I’m trying. I just have to learn not to freak out so much. I have to learn to stay healthy in unhealthy conditions too. I really only want to live in my own little world, which is kind to me and is in peace with my past, my present, and my future. 

Breathe.

Love, Albesa

It’s just life sometimes, you know? (a random attack of mixed emotions)

[1:55 AM, Friday, January 11, 2019.]

What an exciting first post of the year, yay, yay, yay! I’m writing this with tears in my eyes and a thousand emotions in my heart. The last couple of days have been challenging and what can your girl do besides stay up all night, overthink, write and cry, hehe? All jokes aside, I’m doing good, it’s just life sometimes, you know? I’ve always been the kind of person who wants to protect everyone from everything and it really breaks my heart when people who I love and admire suffer for one reason or another. I know, it’s life, not feeling well sometimes is so normal and absolutely inevitable but oh man I just really wish I didn’t have to be like that. These couple of days have been challenging because I’ve seen my mom cry and I’ve seen my dad’s bags under his eyes. I’ve felt it with my own body how tired they are. I love my parents so much. I once thought they were perfect, then I suffered because I realized they weren’t perfect and now, here I am not even wanting them to be perfect. Our dear parents are just human beings who get mad, get sad, yell for some irrelevant stuff because they’ve had enough for the day. They make mistakes, big ones, small ones. What I want to express today is that I’m not mad at my parents for anything. Have they ever hurt me? Yes, they did. Have they ever disappointed me? Yes, they did. Was it ever their intention to hurt their own child? Absolutely not. That’s the only thing that matters to me at this point in life. It’s such relief that I’m able to understand the background of a certain situation, not only the final product. My parents may not be as open-minded as I am, my parents may not think that my ideas are the best ideas ever but I’m so okay with it. I love them with my whole entire heart and nothing will ever be strong enough to change that. Moving on to another subject; I’m recovering from my leg surgery, the recovery requires a lot of patience and patience is painful sometimes. I’ve been laying in bed for almost a month now doing absolutely nothing except overdosing myself with the Internet. I’ve been wanting to finish this one book that I really like but what can I say, my just brain won’t cooperate. Another thing I really want to include here: make sure your happiness and good mood don’t depend on other people. Remember who you are, remember your value, and remember you’re not always the big loser who sucks. It’s not always you, sometimes it’s the other people who just can’t see certain stuff. That’s pretty much it. I wish you all health, love and light.

Oh, and yeah, don’t forget to tell your parents you love them (and everyone else)

Love, Albesa 

Looking back, becoming healthier and the future

[2:40 AM / Monday / December 31, 2018.]

I had so much stuff on my mind while I was planning this story but now that I’m actually here writing it I really don’t know how it’s gonna turn out. Here we go. It’s the last day of 2018, wow, wow, wow. What can I say, it was a good year, a year of improvements I’d say. This year, I got three leg surgeries (currently laying in bed recovering from the third one), I got my first job ever, I earned my own money, I traveled, and I bought a bunch of clothes which I still haven’t had the courage to wear. Honestly, none of that really matters that much. What matters that happened this year is my mental health. I can’t believe this day has come. The day when I can finally say that I’m healthy. I feel healthy, I feel strong and I feel hopeful, more than ever. I spent 5 years battling with depression and anxiety. Depression is a dangerous thing, and anxiety isn’t any better either. Recovery is a journey. Every day is a journey. I spent my depressive days traveling around this little world I created in my mind. Sometimes it was a dark world, and sometimes it was as bright as sunshine which is what kept me going. Even though I’ve tried very hard on my own, I still have to give most credits to my therapist who taught me everything that I needed to learn so badly. It’s by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’ve learned so much from it, from setting boundaries and saying no to communicating with myself and giving myself time and space to live with my emotions. I’ve grown so much and all in all, I feel like a very mature and responsible person for seeking help that I knew I needed. I wish I could have done it earlier but as I’ve mentioned before, I’m Albanian, born, raised and living in Croatia. Both are Balkan countries where therapy isn’t a thing, at all. A lot of people freak out even thinking about it let alone actually trying it. My parents don’t understand neither depression neither therapy so I had to earn my own money for it, that’s why I didn’t do it earlier. I tried explaining it to a lot of people that no matter where you come from, therapy is literally just that: therapy. I tried to explain to people that you don’t have to be crazy to see a therapist and that sometimes, you really do need guidance to get yourself back on track. Some people are open-minded and actually, understand that mental health is just as important as physical health while some people blame the victims for suffering and ‘not getting over it.’ But here comes another thing I’ve learned; I’ve learned to stop. Stop trying so hard to explain, trying so hard to make sense and trying so hard to be understood. I’ve found peace in knowing that I did everything that was in power. I’ve made peace with the fact that it’s inevitable to feel bad sometimes and that feeling bad is also okay. Make sure you don’t overuse your energy. Be there for people, care for them but make sure you’re doing that for yourself as well. Be present, enjoy the moment. In the new year, all I really want is to keep learning, improving, growing. I want to be the healthiest version of myself I could possibly be. Cheers to health, love, and light. Cheers to new beginnings. 

May the upcoming year bring nothing but love, light and amazing memories. 

Love, Albesa

Therapy, feeling healthy, and a little thank you

[5:27 AM / Monday / December 3, 2018]

Another sleepless night…we might as well do something good right? On a good note though, this is the first time I’m writing about a sleepless night without it having to be because of depression and anxiety. This time, it’s mostly because of my brother’s very, very loud snoring which is quite painful for my poor ears and brain. Anyway. My mental health therapy has been my number one priority for a long time now. I haven’t written about it that much and today, that’s exactly what I want to give attention to. My first therapy ever was done back in 2014.  I was a 16-year-old highschool student who couldn’t afford a regular therapy which is why I went to therapy like twice a year until I started regular therapy in September this year.  As I’ve written about it before, I dropped out of college because of depression and anxiety, got a job a few months later, and was finally able to earn money and pay for the much needed regular therapy sessions. I started seeing a therapist in September, she recommended therapy once a week and that’s how we did it. I would go to her office once a week and talk about whatever I needed to get out of my chest. It took me four therapy sessions to feel a little better. Between those first four sessions,  I was full of fear, full of doubt, I was a skeptic questioning the point of me going to therapy but I managed to stay patient and keep going. I don’t exactly know how it worked but it did. I started feeling healthier after every session. I couldn’t believe it was starting to work, and it did right when I stopped overthinking about it. I’ve learned to cope with things in a healthy way, I’ve learned to treat myself better, I’ve learned to communicate with my emotions and my needs. I’ve learned to set boundaries which I had never done in my 21 years of life. I’ve learned to live with my past, not in it. I’ve learned about being present in life, not constantly keeping my mind in the past or future, which is in a lot of cases the cause of anxiety. I had my last regular therapy a few days ago. I really can’t believe that it took me only three months of therapy to learn to live with all of the toxic and unhealthy things that have happened in the last five years of dealing with depression. Two months vs. five years. My dear people, the only thing that you need for a healthier version of yourself is a tiny little drop of willingness. Willingness for health, learning and improving. If you’re fortunate enough to be able to afford a therapist, please give it a go. If you’re not able to afford it right now, stay patient, keep living, keep doing your best even if that means simply brushing your teeth, just make sure it’s on your priority checklist! It’s by far the best thing I’ve ever given money for. It has given me my life back, it has given me my health back. I feel normal after such a long time. I feel healthier than I’ve ever been because I’ve learned to say ‘it’s okay’ instead of freaking out even more. The most amazing thing is to realize that the ‘it gets better’ quote is actually true. It really gets better, so so much better. I once wrote in one of my stories ‘this darkness is not your forever’ and knowing how I was feeling back in the day I’m not sure how much I believed in the words I was writing but I’m happy that I’m alive and living and proving my own words. Life is unpredictable, and very chaotic sometimes but when we learn to manage our thoughts properly, we meet a whole different level of peace which we have probably last felt as children. So that’s my advice. Go after your peace even if that means going to therapy and opening up / crying / having breakdowns in front of a stranger. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’re all human and we’re all vulnerable and at some point in life, we all need a hand to help us find our light again. 

Thank you to my dear therapist Suncana for being an incredible therapist and helping me get my long lost health back.  You are truly amazing.

Love, Albesa

Kindness is never a bad idea

[3:19 AM / Sunday / November 18, 2018.]

Staying up late, my dear beautiful friend… I catch myself watching a movie, completely ignoring the fact that it’s past midnight, and that I should sleep. I’m wide awake instead,  inspired by unrealistic movies, dreaming, planning, thinking. Now all of that would be completely fine if I wasn’t that one person who usually becomes a complete mess if they don’t get enough sleep. I’m a morning person (yes, I know what you’re thinking, haha!), I like waking up early and starting my day right so if I wake up after noon, I spend the rest of the day feeling lost, and I really, really don’t like that. I suffered from some major anxiety attacks this past week. It was very scary because it would happen right before I would go to sleep, just like it used to happen last year when my depression and anxiety were at the highest point ever. I’ve learned so much, I’ve grown so much and I’ve improved so much so after all of the hard work that I’ve put into improving my life, of course, I got terrified of losing all of that, and going back to my old, very, very unhealthy state of being. I went to therapy two days ago, as I’ve been going every week for the past couple of months and my dear therapist told me something that really opened my eyes. She asked me about how I spent my time and how/why would my anxiety appear. I told her that a lot of the things that I saw reminded me of some painful moments from that past and that those painful moments would run through my head making me feel miserable. Then she asked me; ‘what do you do when those thoughts appear?’ ‘I try very hard not to think about the past and I try to stop those thoughts by getting up and doing something else’- I responded. ‘That’s exactly the problem, Albesa, you want to run away from your anxiety. You have gone through those painful moments and whether you wanted it or not, they’re a part of your life, a part of who you are, they’re gonna come into your mind sometimes. So instead of trying to run away from those thoughts, go through them again for a few minutes, give your anxiety some time to exist. Be nice to your anxiety, communicate with it and it will leave you alone.’ Yes, it’s almost 4 AM, I should probably go to sleep but you know what? I’m not afraid today. And you know why? Because my anxiety will not hurt me if I let it express what it has to express. I’m gonna take a deep breath, and I’m gonna be a little kinder to that part of me.

Kindness is never a bad idea.

Good night 

Love, Albesa 

The simpliest way to help someone

[9:25 PM / Tuesday / Novemeber 6, 2018]

Sometimes I don’t see the things moving around me, sometimes I don’t hear the noises around me. Not that I don’t want to but because I dig in deep into my thoughts and start having a conversation with myself. Since the world has become a sad place to live in, I tell myself maybe it’s better not to hear it or see it or know anything about it. Maybe it’s better for me to act like my senses don’t work from time to time. But then again, that doesn’t feel right either. Since this sad world that I’m talking about is made out of people, I ask myself: ‘do they need help?’, ‘do they have someone to tell them it’s gonna be fine?’ What an irony life is, we close our eyes, we close our ears yet that’s exactly what we all need. We need to be heard. We need to be seen. We need to be reminded that the sad world we live in is not our forever.

Can’t we all just help each other by  asking the simple yet meaningful ‘how are you?’ Can we all just stop pretending that we don’t care about anyone?  

Love, Albesa 

A little something worth keeping in mind

[10:21 PM / Tuesday / October 16, 2018.]

‘I’m not happy.’

Okay, good, you have acknowledged your current emotional state of being. That’s the first step in the process of getting better. The next step is to give yourself arguments and answers that back up your words; why are you unhappy? What is taking your happiness away from you? Recognize what is the biggest issue in your life while keeping in mind that it’s an issue related to you, not someone else, not something else. A lot of the things that could be answers to the question ‘why are you unhappy’ are external additions to your unhealthy state of being, but definitely not the cause. People who suffer emotionally tend to get lost in all of the things that bother them without realizing that the root of their emotional state is the fact that they’re unhappy with themselves; the way they look, the way they behave, the way they treat themselves and others, and so on. If you’re unhappy, take this as a reminder which might help you know where to look for real answers. The answers are all within yourself. It’s yourself that you need to work on. 

And don’t forget, not feeling well is okay. Asking for help is okay. There isn’t a single thing you should be ashamed of. We’ll get better, learn, grow, improve, and then help others do the same. That’s the way we can make the world a little less sad. 

Love, Albesa

Why was I unhappy?

[3:56 AM / Tuesday / October 9, 2018]

Sometimes I find myself digging deep into my thoughts, deep into my existence searching for answers. I have a lot of questions but today, I am only truly interested in this one; why was I unhappy? A lot of things come into my mind but here are some of the most important ones: 

1: I used to obsess over things that bothered me instead of focusing on what was bringing me joy and peace. I thought about those things all the time, not knowing that I could actually control my negative thoughts and replace them with some happy ones, which is what I do now. You can learn how to control your thoughts by communicating with your inner persona as if it was your best friend. If your best friend was being rude to you, you would tell them about it, ask them why they were treating you like that and then ask them to treat you like you deserve to be treated, right? Do that same exact thing with your inner persona that keeps mistreating you. This is not easy at all, it requires a lot of hard work and determination. Do it anyway!!!

2: I used to waste my energy thinking I could control things when in reality, you and your life are the only things you’ll ever be able to control. For example; the effort somebody else puts into a certain relationship is not up to you. Save yourself from thinking people will treat you like you treat them. Remember the good, old rule; if it really matters to them, they will do it. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you’ll stop trying so hard. The energy you recieve is the energy you’ll be giving back. Be prepared for the possible (upcoming) changes in your relationships with people. 

 3: I used to force myself to be comfortable with things that felt the most uncomfortable for me; explaining people why I needed to be alone (multiple times), explaining people why I enjoyed staying at home (multiple times), going to places where I didn’t want to go so I wouldn’t let down people who felt the opposite.. Stop explaining yourself so much. The shortest, yet the most meaningful explanation is the fact that you didn’t want to do it, and not wanting to do something is completely fine, unlike forcing yourself to do stuff you don’t feel like doing! 

When you’re just learning to stand up for yourself and do what you want, there will be people who will disagree with your decisions. People disagreeing with you might cause them negative emotions but please remember that that’s not your responsibility. People not disagreeing with you is not a comfortable place for you to be in but it is very, very normal. You will eventually get used to it. Don’t blame yourself for standing up for yourself and doing what feels right for you. 

The only way to happiness is following your heart so if a certain thing is not in your heart, don’t bother thinking you can make it magically appear there. 

You can have amazing relationships even with people you sometimes disagree with. Respecting each other’s feelings, honesty and not taking things personally are one of the main things that help the relationship work. 

These are some of the things I have learned so far. I’m still learning and developing new ways to stay true to myself yet have people that I love be a part of that.

Love, Albesa 

Blessings, beautiful thoughts and taking care

[12:47 PM / Friday / October 5, 2018]

I’m sitting in the backyard of my house while I’m writing this. It’s a warm sunny day and I’m feeling beyond blessed. Blessed that I’m healthy, improving, growing and learning every single day. Blessed that I have two homes, one in Kosovo, where I am at the moment and one in Croatia, where I live. I’m in peace, surrounded by beautiful mountains, fresh air and wherever my eyes go, it makes me feel something meaningful, it makes me realize how much I love it. My grandparents were born and raised here, my parents were born and raised here, my older brother and my older sister were born here, and I, I grew up coming here; coming for that fulfilling joy of feeling at home. There’s so much to come back for: my home, my family, hearing everyone speak my mother language but feeling like I belong somewhere is something completely different and it doesn’t really compare to anything else. I have been feeling pretty much okay, I’ve had my ups and I’ve had my downs and I accept it all. I have been trying to be as gentle with myself as possible and it’s an incredible thing to do. My therapist told me she was proud of me and it’s an amazing thing to hear because I know I’ve been trying hard, in every single aspect. I feel stronger and healthier. I’m surrounded by people who I truly love, however that doesn’t mean that I’m always gonna get along with them. People have their own ways of feeling which means that there will be things we don’t feel the same about. What we can do is take care of ourselves by doing what feels right for us and respect what feels right for others, even if we don’t understand it. Talk things out, be honest and let the energies guide you. Listen to your body, give it what it needs and take care of your mind by eliminating unhealthy ideas and thoughts. Talk to your inner persona and ask it to treat you better, it sounds crazy but it really works. Train your mind to reject ugly thoughts about yourself and replace them with some beautiful ones. Understand the background of your feelings, understand the roots of your problems and don’t be hard on yourself. You’re doing so much better than you think. This is something that was on my mind when I woke up so I thought it would be good to have it written here. A longer story is coming soon. Until then, take care of yourself!

Greetings from Kosovo!

Love, Albesa

Afraid and unstoppable at the same time

[8:27 PM / Monday / August 12, 2018]

Sometimes I wonder where I’m going and where I’m gonna end up. Sometimes I feel like I’m gonna get lost in whatever path I choose to follow. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m strong enough or brave enough to handle the cruel reality brought by life itself. I know who I am and I know what I’m capable of doing but I’m afraid you know? No matter how strong I think I am, there’s always this certain amount of fear following me everywhere I go. Fear mixed with doubt I’d say. I’m a very positive person and I try to learn from every situation I find myself in but there’s always this never-ending ‘but’. ‘But what’? I ask myself, ‘why are you always trying to find something to be afraid of ?’ I ask myself. What is it so enormous and giant that can take over me so easily? Is it really there or is it just a product of my past experiences? Whatever it is, I have decided that it’s not gonna stop me anymore. I’m gonna confront it even if it starts feeling unbearable. I may be scared but that won’t stop me from following what my heart wants me to do. I may have a hurtful tornado inside of my chest, but what if it’s only hurtful because I treat it badly? Maybe I have to treat it as a beautiful part of mother nature and it becomes peaceful like the ocean?

I tell myself;

‘Nature is wild, unpredictable and scary but that hasn’t stopped people from hugging lions. Everything seems to be a little chaotic but with the right mindset, approach, effort and determination, even the wildest dreams can become a part of your reality. And remember, neither you or your dreams have to make sense to somebody else besides you.’

Love, Albesa

Food, unhealthy habits and becoming healthier

[3:10 PM / Monday / August 6 2018]

This past week that we left behind was one of the hardest weeks in quite some time. I felt down every single day and it was so exhausting to spend my time like that. I had zero energy and zero willingness for anything which made me realize that I still have a lot of work to do. I’ve been struggling with eating disorders for years now. Back in 2013. I made a very unhealthy decision which affected my life in a way I never thought it would. My uncle was getting married and 15 years old Albesa thought she was too fat to look good in a dress. So what did she do? She decided to starve herself in order to lose weight and look good in that dress she had imagined in her head. Naive, stubborn, and uninformed 15 years old Albesa made a decision that affected her life way more than she thought it would. Now, what happened after that? Did she lose weight? Did she look good in that dress she wanted to wear? 15 years old Albesa started eating 200 kcal per day, lost 10 kg in about a month and started working out like crazy. She lost weight but she also lost a piece of herself without even realizing it. Why am I saying this? I’m saying it because, during the starvation, she became obsessed and not only was she becoming physically unhealthy but also mentally. 15 years old Albesa developed anxiety because even after all the starvation that was done, she still felt fat. She felt uncomfortable and had zero wish to talk to anyone, be around anyone or do anything. A month and a half went by, the wedding is over and it’s time to go back to the normal daily/school life. 15 years old Albesa lost the ‘extra’ weight and now she wants to enjoy food again. She wants to enjoy food but not gain back the weight she had lost. 15 years old Albesa is back at it again with those unhealthy decisions, this time it was eating how much she wanted because she deserved it after all of that starvation, enjoying it and then throwing up once she was done with binge eating. Eat until you’re about to explode and then run to the bathroom in order to throw up. That’s the method she thought was perfect for maintaining the skinny figure. It didn’t last for long because her stomach started to hurt and she knew she had to stop doing that. I wish someone could have mentioned her the word balance or the word health, which was already damaged at that point. She stopped throwing up but what about the binge eating? Well… that’s where the situation gets even worse. 15 years old Albesa made an unhealthy decision which has been coming after me, the person that I am now, the 20 years old Albesa. I’ve been fighting to overcome the unhealthy habits 15 years old Albesa once made. I don’t blame her at all, she was under pressure because people always judged her for being ‘a little chubby.’ Being young, naive and uninformed, she just wanted to be someone people didn’t laugh at. I’ve been struggling with that unhealthy habit of binge eating ever since then, it’s emotionally draining and it has caused me a lot of negative emotions because it feels like no matter what I do, I just I can’t overcome it. I still take it too far very often. I have been trying to improve my relationship with food so hard because I know I have to. I don’t want to look at food as something I have to avoid. That’s exactly why it didn’t work so many times. Human beings can’t avoid food because food is fuel. We need food in order to function properly. We need food in healthy portions and once I improve my portion sizes, once I become even better at self-control, my life is gonna change the way I want it to. I don’t want to restrict myself and tell myself ‘you shouldn’t eat that’ all the time. I’m not an overweight person even though I could be fitter for sure. In my case, it’s more about mental health than the way I look. Of course, the way I look matters too, but for me, it has been an emotional and mental journey, not just the way I look in a dress. My goal is to enjoy food to the point where I know I’ve had it enough to nourish my body, mind, and soul and then be able to stop. I want to be able to stop eating the moment I feel it’s becoming uncomfortable to handle it. It’s important to create an eating plan that is realistic. For example; if you’ve been a person who has been struggling with binge eating for years, like me, it’s gonna be extremely hard for you to succeed the first time you try. Why? Because you’re gonna get into it with the ‘all or nothing’ or ‘go hard or go home’ mindset which means you’re gonna create and try to follow a strict plan that doesn’t allow you to ever enjoy a cake or a cookie. It’s not going to work. Overcoming unhealthy habits is a long journey and it should be approached step by step, one step at a time, not all at once. You can’t cut off all the ‘unhealthy’ food and expect yourself not to eat a single piece of cake for 2 months. Rather than that, create a plan that allows you to eat a piece of cake every now and then but without binge eating. We’re talking about one piece of cake, not the entire 10000 kcal cake. Self-control is what I’m talking about. Self-control and balance are what we need with everything in life. It’s better to eat a piece of cake once a week, than not eat a cake for 2 months and then eat an entire cake all at once and feel mentally and physically sick afterward. Give yourself some space for becoming better and healthier, it doesn’t happen overnight. You don’t become a person with amazing self-control overnight. It takes time and it takes realistic planning. When your plan is realistic, your goals start becoming realistic. Create a realistic plan that doesn’t cause you anxiety because deep down you know it’s not gonna work (it happened to me a million times), follow it step by step without pressuring yourself and be patient. Results will come, health will come and unhealthy habits will get gone. Overcoming unhealthy habits is my goal and with my positive mindset, a realistic plan, patience, and support, I am more than sure that I’m gonna achieve it. 20 years old Albesa got this!

Here’s a little method I created about how to be better at approaching life:

Start treating yourself as if you were one of your best friends. You never want to hurt any of your best friends, right? Treat yourself with love, respect, loyalty, and honesty. Stay patient with yourself even after you’ve messed up a little bit, it’s not as bad as it seems in your self-critical mind. Give yourself advice and invest time in becoming a better and healthier person. Encourage and support yourself. Stop with that negative, self-destructive talk. Inspire yourself and go after the person you want to be.

ps: a part of this story was written in the third person because it’s my way of describing situations I put myself in back when I knew almost nothing of what I know now. 

Love, Albesa 

Good or bad? (only time will show)

[12:40 PM / Sunday / June 22, 2018]

I’ve been wanting to take some time, sit down and write for a few days now and I’m finally here thinking about all of the things I want to mention in this story. I want to talk about my journey so far. I’m talking about my health, my growth, my development and stuff like that. I’ve been writing about my journey ever since I started this blog (which I like to call journal because that’s basically what it is). I’ve written stories while I was feeling low, I’ve written stories while I was feeling much better and it shows nothing more and nothing less than the raw reality of dealing with emotional pain. There are some absolutely awful days when you feel like you’re dying, which is probably one of the most terrible feelings a human being can feel, and there are brighter days when you actually dare to imagine yourself living a happier life. There is this thing in the human brain that is called imagination. The thing with imagination is that it’s one of the biggest liars ever. Now, why am I saying this? Because the negative things we imagine in our head are mostly not true. Everything we spend the night thinking about is most likely not that big of a deal as it seems to be. We stress so much about things we’re not sure are even going to happen, we overthink about opinions of people who know nothing about us and in the end what we do is hurt ourselves because we take our imagination way too far, we take it deep inside of us and let it become a dark piece of our daily life. Let me tell you my college story one more time. I applied for college back in 2016. even though I knew I wasn’t mentally prepared for something like that because it requires a lot of effort, time and focus. Being an unhealthy person (depression, anxiety, sleep disorder, eating disorder…) it was impossible for me to dedicate my time and my energy to all of the studying I had to do. I went to college for a year, I passed a few exams and came to an end of the first year. When the final exams came, I knew that was the end of my college journey, I knew I couldn’t push it any further. I didn’t know how to tell my parents who knew nothing about my struggles. June 2017. was probably one of the darkest months I have ever lived through, my depression, my anxiety and my overthinking made me suffer to the point where I really wasn’t sure if I could make it to another day. I couldn’t study, I couldn’t read, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t sleep. I would spend my days (nights)  watching movies because it would help me forget about my struggles for a little bit. The clock was ticking, exams were coming and I was getting worse. One night, I burst into tears and told my parents I had to leave college which was devastating for them way more than it was for me. I told them I tried because of them and I told them that I couldn’t push it any longer. Something I never thought I could do, something I spent nights and nights thinking about happened. I left college. Me telling my parents about it, me actually not going back to college, it was all way worse in my imagination. It felt terrible in reality, it wasn’t an easy thing to deal with but the image was so much worse, it caused me so much pain and it wasn’t even real. Here I am, one year later feeling one thousand percent better, feeling like a completely different person, much better and much healthier. And who would have known? Back in 2017. leaving college seemed like the most terrible thing that I never wanted to happen but one year later, when I see how much my life has changed, I’m thankful for that decision, I admire myself for leaving something that was causing me even more pain than I was already dealing with. The point of this story is that you never really know if something is good or bad. You just don’t. You don’t get that answer right away, you have to let time pass and show you what was meant for you and what was not. I got my answer one year later. Leaving college which back in the day felt like the most terrible thing ever is one of the best decisions I have ever made. I’m in a much better place now, not torturing myself, I’m much healthier and I feel better about life in general. While becoming healthier and trying to improve the quality of my life out of college, I got a job which helps me be financially stable, I regulated my sleep, I do what fulfills me almost every day and the best part of it is that I got the chance to rethink and realize that I actually want to study something else. I studied journalism which is great but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. All the hardships that I went through made me realize that journalism wasn’t the best option for me otherwise I would have found a way to keep fighting, right? Life is unpredictable and things are never as bad as they seem. Try to look at things as if they were people. You can’t just look at someone and assume that that the person you’re looking at likes extra cheese on their pizza without even having talked to them, ever in your life. You don’t know that person, you don’t have experience with that person and it’s the same with things in life. You don’t know if something is good or bad, and just because you think a certain way it doesn’t mean they are really like that. The best way to get to know if something is good or bad is to try, see the result of your actions and see how it affects your life. I tried going to college, the result wasn’t good and it affected my life negatively. These are the three things that are enough for you to leave. Leave for the better, improve your life, create a new plan and follow it. While creating a new plan, make sure you know that plans are never easy and smooth so prepare yourself for some possible adjustment in the process. Remember that it’s easier to change the plan than to give up and keep being a miserable person. No change is as hard as going to sleep knowing you disappointed yourself as if you were your own biggest enemy. Think about what you want and go for it. Your life is a reflection of your mindset and your decisions. It’s never too late and it’s never as hard as we think it is, but in order to see that, the first thing to do is try. Always remember your vision and don’t get discouraged so easily. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. Life can be so much different a year from now but it only becomes different if you make changes. The power is in your mindset and it’s you who has to realize that and finally start using it.

Leaving college is not the worst thing in the world. The idea of me leaving college caused me so many negative emotions because I come from a family who didn’t even get the chance to go to high school, let alone college. I thought my parents would think I was being ungrateful and lazy. I thought my parents would be disappointed and never get over it. I was feeling the pressure to keep going to college because my parents never got the chance to do it. But we are not our parents, and no matter how much we love them, we have to think about what we want because we are the ones who know our deepest selves and we are the ones who know what can make us truly happy. Your parents might get mad in the beginning but they will eventually get over it. When they see you doing what you love, they’re going to be happy even if they disagreed in the beginning. Do your thing and don’t worry, it’s not that bad! 

Love, Albesa

Growth, gratitude, and improvement

[2:09 PM / Sunday / June 17 2018]

Here I am once again, starting a story without really knowing what I’m gonna write. I’m not worried about it though, the stories that I write without planning them turn out being the most relieving ones. Anyway, let’s start. I don’t like the fact that I haven’t written in so long. Actually, I have written a bunch of stories but they’re kind of all over the place. I own way too many notebooks and each of them contains small bits of stories that I started writing in another notebook. I’ve been quite confused these days. I don’t really know how I feel anymore and I truly mean it when I say it. Things have not been getting better or worse, they’re kind of the same most of the time. I got used to my new, work life, routine and I like it because I finally feel like my life makes sense, at least a little bit. When it comes to work, I must mention that I’m doing pretty good however, I know I haven’t been trying my hardest. I’m not gonna start with excuses, I’m just gonna say that I’m gonna work harder and be even more content with my work. A month and a half have gone by since I started working and, oh boy, time goes so fast! I got my first ever salary which felt so strange because I felt like a real adult for the first time in my 20 years of life. Since I’m talking about work, let me mention that I told my manager about my anxiety problems. I had to do it because she asked me why I never ate in the kitchen where all of my colleagues eat. Her answer was the answer that I was expecting; ‘it’s all in your head.’ So many things were going through my mind at that moment. When I came home, one of the things I wrote down in my notebook was this one: ‘people tell me ‘it’s all in your head’ without realizing that that’s exactly the biggest problem people like me deal with. We suffer because it’s in our heads, it’s us who have to live with it day by day. It’s us who have to fight with it day by day. It’s me worrying about every little thing around me, it’s me that I’m afraid of what will happen tomorrow. If those thoughts about me were in someone else’s head, I wouldn’t spend a single minute worrying about it, trust me.’ I can’t remember if I’ve ever written anything more truthful than that. I don’t think I’ve ever agreed with myself more. I have realized one more time that people don’t understand the struggle that anxiety and depression bring, neither do I expect them to anymore. I remember describing it in a few words and it just never worked. My pain, my struggle and my fear, they were always belittled, which only ended up causing me even more negative emotions. I’m okay now, I really am. I’m aware of everything, I’m trying not to think about anything that makes me unhappy, I’m trying to improve the quality of my life. I have a few plans that make me happy just thinking about them so I’m gonna work on those. One of the best things you can do for yourself is keep yourself busy with the things that fulfill you so choose a few things you would like to do more and every time you have some extra time, do one of those things. Spend your time in peace, spend your time away from places/things that remind you of rough times, disappointments, a broken friendship or a broken relationship. Work hard on creating a new, healthier surrounding that will make you feel like a new person which has nothing to do with who you were or where you’ve been in the past. You have the right to start over anytime you want, you have the right to make changes and make the most out of your time while you’re still alive. You have the right to do the things that people disagree with as long as you know that the option you’re choosing is the best option for you. Cherish the things we usually take for granted, cherish your health, your family, friends, food, your roof over your head. Gratitude, compassion, and positivity are a way of life, it takes some time to learn to live like that but once you’re there, you’ll realize how simple some things can be if we don’t makeup things in our heads. Let people know how much they mean to you, be that one ‘annoying’ friend who keeps saying ‘I love you’ all the time. If that’s a part of you, don’t hide it. I tell my cousin/best friend I love her at least 5 times a week because I really do and when that thought comes into my head, I express it. Acting cold or emotionless is not really my thing neither do I think it’s cool or funny. Emotions are meant to be expressed otherwise you’ll kill yourself way before you’re really dead. Oh, yeah, let me end this story with some nice things. I feel like I’ve grown even more since I’ve started working. I acknowledge every little bit of my progress and it makes me extremely happy. I’m also continuing my therapy very soon which is absolutely awesome. I’ll be out of the dark room sooner than I know! My goal for this month is to keep this positive mindset and keep moving forward. That’s basically it, I don’t think I have anything left to say at the moment. I’ll definitely write more in the future, I’ll try at least once a week. We’ll see, no worries, no pressure. My dear people, I wish you a good time and a healthier life. Work hard on yourself, achieve what you want to achieve and stay humble. And to all the hardships, heartbreaks and disappointments, it’s time to say goodbye. We’re all leaving you behind.

We got this.

Love, Albesa

The surprises that life brings

[7:46 PM /  Saturday / May 19, 2018]

It’s been over a month since I’ve last written anything. It’s so strange that you feel like nothing is really happening but when you look back, you have so many things to write about and that’s exactly why, all of a sudden, I feel the urge to express myself and mention everything that happened. I want to start by saying that it’s true when people say ‘your life can be so different a month from now’. It sounds like a cliche and quite unbelievable but here I am, a living example that life can change and that patience does pay off. About a month ago, I was laying in bed, probably swearing out of madness caused by the pain I was feeling in my leg. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t stop being bitter about life. Basically, I wasn’t in a good place, neither physically or mentally. It was around 4 PM when my sister woke me up telling me she had a job for me. I woke up and asked her ‘how dare you wake me up’ and she told she would never wake me up if it wasn’t important. And she wasn’t lying. She got offered a job which she couldn’t accept being a fulltime student so she asked me if I wanted to try. The chance was too good and knowing that I had to make changes in my life, I decided to try. I was scared and overwhelmed but I made it. I applied for the job, wrote a motivational letter and a week later, got invited for a job interview. I couldn’t believe that something good was happening. I went there, did the interview and left the company feeling like I did good but still could have done much better. I had zero expectations because I’m quite young (the youngest people who work there are college educated people in their late 20s) and even though I speak many languages, which is the most important part of the job, I didn’t want to have my hopes high and then end up disappointed. About 2 weeks had gone by when I got an email saying I got the job. I wasn’t at home by that time, my sister told me about it. I couldn’t believe, I thought she was joking. I left the company feeling like I could have done much better so the fact that I got the job was insane. Here I am a month later, writing this as an employed person who’s been busy trying to get used to the new routine. I wake up at 6:15 AM and get home and 6:15 PM. I don’t have a lot of free time so the first thing that I noticed is that time is so precious. I go to sleep at 10:30 so I try to be as productive as possible in those 4 hours. I even forget to check my phone, which I thought I was addicted to. Basically, life is much different than it used to be. I’m not running from my social anxiety anymore, I’m dealing with it on a daily basis and even though it’s hard, I see that I’m not dying like I thought I would. I don’t hear my family dramas that often anymore (which is so so so good!!!). I fixed my sleeping problems and I appreciate my time more than ever which is why I don’t deal with childish situations anymore. I’m becoming more responsible and more independent. No one has my back at work so I have to have it. The people around me are kind and nice but my anxiety doesn’t let me relax. I don’t really know how to talk to them first so I may seem self-centered or something similar. Even if they talk to me first, I feel like I sound stupid so I often don’t continue the conversation. I spend my lunch break reading books while everyone’s having lunch in the kitchen. I spent almost five years isolated, spending time only with people that I’ve known my entire life so now that I’m surrounded by a group of complete strangers, I hope I learn how to be around people without feeling like I’m gonna pass out. All in all, life is so much different than it used to be just a month ago. It’s hard but I’m extremely happy. I’m all about making changes because I know that good things happen and the work that we put in pays off. I know staying patient pays off. Majority of the people around me are super supportive and I’m so thankful for that. As a person who is extremely emotional, every single drop of support is welcome and it means so much to me. I want to continue creating myself, become a confident person and believe in myself and my abilities. I want to learn as many things as possible and then help others find their light in all the darkness they might have felt over the years. That’s basically it. There is more stuff that I would write about but I prefer to end this story with positive vibes. Keep going, keep trying and stay patient. Hardships are not forever and choosing to believe that you can change your life is the first step you must take in order to become a happier and healthier version of yourself. Never stop hoping. I root for every single one of you. 

We got this.

Love, Albesa 

Patience

[12:43 AM / Tuesday / April 10 2018]

While feeling low and fighting with emotional pain, I started considering patience a neccessity. Let me tell you why. Patience has saved me so many times. It has saved me from saying things out of anger, it has saved me from hurting myself and hurting the ones around me. More importantly, it has saved my sanity. It has made me stop and re-think and thanks to that, I made healthier and better decisions. I know there are people who are naturally a little temperament but I feel like patience is a quality that you can work on just like you work on some other skills, like riding a bike or dancing. I think it’s one of those things that can improve if you work on it hard enough. I know changing a part of your routine isn’t the easiest task in the world but the thing is that, the changes that are hard to make always turn out to be the most rewarding ones. I’ve always been a patient person but my patience wasn’t big enough back in 2013. when I first got anxiety and depression. I didn’t know how to deal with emotional pain since I had never experienced it before, it was scary, overwhelming and I felt like I was dying. I still struggle with emotional pain, however, I do have to say that nowadays I deal with it quite good since I’ve learned so many things over the years and one of them is how not to lose control. My way of dealing with depression and anxiety is isolation. I mostly rely on myself and my therapist when it comes to my depression. My best friends are also my big supporters and we’re always there for each other but since they have their own problems, my problems can get a little to much for them to handle which is why I prefer writing. I prefer being on my own when I’m having a hard time because it makes me search for solutions. My solution always happens to be patience. It could be that I’m under control of negative emotions which causes me pain and then what I usually do is write down what I can do to make it better. It’s always good to write about happy and beautiful things in life since those are the ones that make life worth living. While writing about those things, you actually remind yourself that not everything is as bad as it seems in those depressive hours. Writing down your goals boosts your patience levels because you imagine yourself in a better place than you are now and you actually want to stay alive to experience life from your imagination. And staying alive requires patience because life is not simple and we must learn how not to get hurt from every little thing that can happen. Not forcing things is also a form of patience. Be patient and see where things are going naturally, whether it’s about school, college, work, friendship or relationship. Forcing things that are clearly not functioning is not something you should insist on. It’s gonna make you feel exhausted because you’re not gonna get back that same energy you invest in other people. Try but make sure you know when to stop. Start working towards being your own priority. Patiently work hard and be aware that life doesn’t change overnight. Never stop creating yourself. Never stop learning things they never taught us in school. Life might be hard at the moment but remember that your life is gonna keep being the same as long as you keep doing the same things over and over again. Start changing your life by reading a book for example. I know that not everyone is a book person but the amount of knowledge and wisdom that is brought by books is amazing. They are a source of priceless information that can help you become a better/healthier person and are healthy for your brain which sometimes turns off after hours and hours of pointless scrolling your Instagram feed. Acknowledge what you haven’t developed yet and start working on it. Ask for help if you need to. Watch movies about it if you prefer that over reading books. Talk to strangers and older people. Just start somewhere. Become a better version of yourself, day by day. Work on your patience, take a deep breath when you feel like you’re going crazy, walk away when something makes you upset and don’t let that darkness take over you and make you do something you wouldn’t normally do. Acknowledge that not every situation requires your reaction. You can deal with things quietly, without causing any damage. 

The words written above are written based on my personal experience. I’ve learned that things that feel so far away are actually the things I can reach very fast if I start walking down the path of never-ending growth. 

Love, Albesa

It’s all good (ups and downs)

[6:30 PM / Friday / March 16 2018]

To be completely honest, I lose my inspiration quite often, especially when I feel down  for more than three days in a row. There is a lot of inspiration in the pain some of us experience but sometimes I just don’t want to write about it. Sometimes I just don’t want to give it so much attention. Then again, I love that I feel much better when I express my feelings through my stories, without having to talk to anyone or without having to worry if I’ve been understood or not. Emotions are worth writing about, good or bad, especially when you’re not really good at expresing them verbally, like me. It’s fine though. I don’t really have much to say, I had some really bad days, I had some better days but all in all it’s good that I always find a way to deal with everything. I’ve been doing more of what I love, which I had left behind completely. I feel much better because of it and I hope I continue like this. My advice for people who are struggling mentally is to spend time doing what you love. If you don’t have a problem with concentrating, read a book, little by little and then write whatever you remember about it. It’s good for your brain and for your mind. If a book doesn’t work, watch movies or tv-series, the ones that seem like you can learn something from. My leg has been hurt for the past five months and I can’t walk properly right now. I’m forced to stay at home which made me feel very miserable because I usually go for a walk every time I feel low. I go out and take some photographs of whatever catches my eye. I can’t do that right now so I took my camera and started taking photos of random things in my house. There are a lot of things I never paid attention to before and I never realized that until now. It helped a lot because it made me feel like I actually did something in my day, besides overthinking and making myself feel even worse. I also watched a lot of turkish movies which I’m completely impressed by. I also read 30 pages of a really good book the other day. I managed to focus and remember quite a lot from those 30 pages which made me extremely happy because it means that I’ve made some progress considering the fact that I couldn’t focus a few months ago when I had to study for my college exams which is partially why I was obligated to drop out and work on my mental health. I told myself I was gonna try to read more often from now on even if it doesn’t turn out the way I expect it to. What else should I mention? Oh yes, I cooked today. For the first time in a week which is unlike me. I usually cook every day but feeling low I had zero wish for none of these things until I told myself I had to stop spending my time like this. I made myself realize that I wasn’t gonna feel better by laying in bed and keeping my mind nowhere but where it’s not supposed to be. My dear people, try to get up and do something. Something small, just so you have something good to remember about today’s day. Step by step, day by day. Life is good when we manage to focus on the right things. Pain is not forever. Your wish to die is not forever. Stay alive and give yourself a chance to experience the joy of life, the joy of having your life together. Your past is not gonna be your future if you don’t let it be. Remember that life is gonna keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. What didn’t work once or twice is not gonna work the third time so start changing the smallest things in your routine. It’s gonna have a very positive effect on your life. Sleep enough and don’t stay up late. Eat food that is good for you so it doesn’t affect your energy and self-confidence. It’s gonna be fine, just keep going and keep fighting.

We got this.

Love, Albesa

A result of a sleepless night 2

[2:30 AM / Saturday / February 25 2018]

I feel like I’ve been thrown to the wolves. I feel like I’m dying as time is passing by. I feel my spirit getting exhausted from all the heavy weight it has to deal with. I feel my heart pounding like crazy because I’m stuck in this unknown zone. I call it ‘unknown zone’ because at this point, I know nothing about my life. Absolutely nothing. I don’t know where I’m going and where I’m gonna end up. I have better days but I’m not getting better. I have faith in the good but I’m so afraid of the bad. I’m terrified. I try so hard to keep myself busy, I really do. I waste my time effortlessly scrolling through the nonsense on the Internet just so I don’t have to think about my misery. This is not me. I see myself in the mirror but this is not me. I’ve never been a person who gives up easily. I’ve never been a person who likes to sit at home and do nothing productive all day. I used to be obsessed with the things that fulfill me. Walking around with my camera used to be a routine of mine. I used to see beauty everywhere, even in the things I saw every day. It didn’t matter, they were never boring. I used to go for a walk everytime I felt myself getting hit by my anxiety and it helped me a lot. I still do that but not as often and as much as I need it. I find myself looking for stupid excuses for not doing something that could help me. ‘It’s cold outside.’ ‘I’m tired, I haven’t slept in 30 hours.’ ‘I’m gonna do something productive at home.’ Who am I lying to? Who am I trying to fool? I know I’m not doing my best, I’m really not. It’s not an excuse but I know why. I get discouraged so easily. And since it’s so easy, it happens a hundred times a day. And that’s a really bad thing. Things that happen on a daily basis, even the smallest ones, they break my heart and they take my willingness away. I’m constantly reminded of things I want to forget. I want to forget so many things, yet I feel them spreading poison inside my body. It’s not my fault. A lot of things happened over the last four and a half years and I lost myself trying to find a way to deal with them. I haven’t found a way to deal with my emotions other than sitting at home feeling completely heartbroken. I have not used my tragedies as motivation like a lot of people do. I didn’t know how to live with them so I, unintentionally, let them dictate my life. It brought me nowhere but these curvy roads of doubt, fear and disappointment. I see it now. I see that I should have thought more about myself and less about everybody else. I see that I shouldn’t have thought that I could protect everyone. I shouldn’t have thought that I can force myself to forgive people for letting me down so badly. I should have said it a long time ago, that I’m hurt and disappointed, but I haven’t because I didn’t want to make them feel bad about their actions. Does keeping my mouth shut means I’m supporting their actions that have hurt me? Does that mean that I’m as guilty as them? My dear people, I have said it before but I’m gonna say it again. I have learned so much about myself and other people while being at my lowest. People are not gonna treat you right just because you treat them right. Such a thing has become rare a long time ago. Don’t expect people to care about you the way you care about them. People are afraid of letting other people into their life and the best way to prevent that is acting cold. You’re gonna meet those kind of people and I can guarantee you, that’s the case in most of the times. People get hurt and traumatized. They develop many fears such as meeting new people and getting let down once again. Fear of getting more personal with someone because they might use it for wrong purpose. Trust issues, self-doubt, pesimism and many other serious disorders ocurr. I must make myself act deaf and blind sometimes. I must do that so that I don’t see things that break my heart. I only want to feel alive from now on because I’ve been feeling dead for a long time now and I don’t accept that version of me. I hate it. Hate doesn’t have a place in my heart, never has, never will. I want my heart to pound like crazy, but from happiness and positive excitement, not from anxiety and depression. I want to beat this dark and toxic version of myself so that, one day, I can help others do the same thing. I want to prove myself that life can be beautiful even after being broken. I want to be an example to people who suffer like me. I want to give them hope and support to become healthy and happy again. I’m gonna put in work in myself and then work on getting the possibility to help others. I’m gonna achieve everything that I dream of and non of this darkness will ever stop me. It might make my heart break, but my spirit, never. 

Sending light, positivity and support to everyone who needs it. 

We got this.

Love, Albesa

Late night emotions, thoughts and imagination

[1:00 AM / Thursday / February 15 2018]

Sometimes it gets extra hard. Sometimes you feel like you can’t deal with anything anymore. The moment you start feeling like your chest is burning in a fire with no mercy; write, cry, scream, do whatever, just let it out. Let that painful monster get out of your chest so you can sleep peacefully, even just for an hour or two. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore, I don’t know if I know anyone I’m surrounded by, I don’t know anything. Sometimes I believe that I’m strong enough to challenge myself and see how I’m gonna survive and sometimes I just want to stay in this dark room forever. Actually, it’s not that I want to do that, it’s just what I know and what I’m apparently good at, considering the fact that I’ve spent here almost five years. My heart is broken, my mind is confused and my body doesn’t feel any better either. Every little thing hurts. Every single one. There’s so much damage in me. Is it my fault? Am I responsible for this? Will I feel better if I blame someone else for my pain? Will I ever go out and feel alive like I used to? Will I ever go out and not feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack? There are many questions but zero answers. Why am I even looking for answers? They won’t heal my broken heart anyway, they won’t make me forget about my dissapointments. You know, I talk to people and I laugh with them and I think about how happy I seem to be. I come home and I wonder; do people ever suspect that I’m not doing well? Not that it matters, it’s just something I think about sometimes. People are such good actors. People choose to get burned in their own fire of feelings rather than openly saying how they really feel. The fear of saying it out loud is incredibly strong because our expectations don’t always match the reality. The fear of not knowing what’s gonna happen next is terrifying and that’s why we accept this painful zone rather than all the hard work required for getting out it, which to a lot of people, often feels impossible. It’s not impossible, it’s really not. The walls we build around us are our biggest enemies, they’re not our protectors as we think they are. Those walls are stopping us from doing what we want to do. We have plans, we have ideas and visions when we close our eyes but once we open them, everything is gone. Why? Why do we choose to just stare at these walls instead of smashing them somehow? Why don’t we get along and help each other more? Why do we get laughed at for every little thing, even for having feelings? Sometimes I look at the world and all I see is a blank canvas. It’s sad because the world is super diverse you know, there are so many things to see, so many people to meet, so many songs to listen to yet non of that is done. What does the world want? What do I want from myself? Will I ever stop thinking about the world which I can’t control? Will I ever find peace and get out of the dark room? I’m afraid of not being able to hope anymore. I’m afraid of not being able to make my dreams my reality. I’m afraid of not being able to smash the walls I have built over the years thinking that they’re gonna protect me. We can’t hide. We can’t run away from life and what happens in it on a daily basis. The goal is to learn to control our emotions and live normally with them inside of us. The goal is to find peace and believe that you can have a nice life after all the pain you have experienced. Write, cry, scream, ask for help, do whatever it takes but never let yourself think that the walls you built are your forever. Your forever is so much brighter than the dark room with no windows. Your forever is what you see when you close your eyes and no matter how awful you might feel at the moment, you’re still gonna find a way to smash every wall that’s infront of you stopping you from walking away from all the misery. These walls are not you, this misery is not you, this pain is not you. You are what you love and what you accept. Do you accept this? Close your eyes and look at your happy self in your imagination. It feels good, right? Does it remind you of how strong you actually are? Keep your eyes closed and keep looking at your happy self while you passionately smash those walls and create a window which is gonna bring you light. Use that window as an exit from that dark room. Create a stage out of those bricks of pain and get up there. Take a bow, walk away, chase your dreams and live.

Open your eyes and do that. 

Love, Albesa

Becoming healthier

[10:10 PM / Thursday / January 25 2018]

I have chosen to change my life completely. I’m calmer than ever now that I understand that changing my life is entirely about me and my decisions. The things around me are gonna remain the same but it’s not about changing the things around me anyway, it’s about changing what I choose to focus on. I’ve been suffering from depression for four and a half years now and making changes after such a long period of time feels very scary. After all these years, I must say that I’ve learned to live with my pain, I’ve adapted my life to it and everything that’s not a part of it is terrifying. I’m afraid of trying something new, I’m afraid of the things I failed at in the past. I’m afraid of being disappointed in myself. I’m afraid of being defeated by my fears. I know that nothing is actually as bad as I think it is and to prove that to myself, I must break the ice of fear that’s stopping me from living my life. I want to start breaking that ice no matter what. I’ve had the idea that I’m wasting my life in my head for a long time now and I know I’ll have it until I make some changes. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my life and that’s why I’m trying to do everything that I can. The progress is slow but every small step is precious. I don’t want to feel guilty if getting out of bed is everything I feel like doing today, I’ve had days when I couldn’t do it because I just wanted to sleep my pain away. But I don’t want to do that anymore because that’s not the way to change my world. My world is not gonna change while I’m sleeping. It’s gonna be dark, unhappy and bitter until I do something to lighten it up. So I tell myself ”acknowledge your small steps and cherish them.” Small steps count too because they lead to big changes. Fear is a part of every journey but it should never be bigger and stronger than my wish to feel better. I’ve said this many times before; life will keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. Maybe the things I’m afraid of are the things that are life-changing. Every idea that is the opposite of every awful emotion that I feel on a daily basis is an idea worth turning into a plan. I tell myself ”follow your vision and your plan, focus on it and start doing it. It doesn’t matter if it’s 2 AM or 5 PM, make a change every time you feel that energy inside of you.” I must write down every positive thought that randomly comes into my mind. Today’s positive thought is valid and it’s encouraging. Today’s positive thought could keep me going tomorrow. Tomorrow’s positive thought could encourage me to try something that could change my depression-adapted routine. People rarely care about what I’ve been through or how much I’ve have struggled in the past. I want to give myself the support and applause I once expected from others. My goal is to learn to love myself and my life and to live in peace without having other people’s approval. ‘If you try hard enough you will succeed’; yes this is true but it’s only true when the situation is entirely about me. If other people are involved but not as interested as me, I want to learn when is the right time to stop trying. I have hurt myself way too much by trying to forgive, forget and find excuses for mistakes that were done by someone I truly loved. No matter how much I love someone, I know that distancing myself from those individuals is required when I know my goal is to be mentally healthier. While trying to make some progress, I must occupy myself with happy thoughts, occupy myself with things I love doing and overthinking about a broken trust is definitely not one of them. I must accept it, leave it somewhere behind and move on with my life. I must keep in mind that life is so much more than every negative emotion I deal with on a daily basis. I must carry that reminder with me everywhere I go. I must stay strong so that one day when I’m happy and content with my life, I can look back at everything I will have gone through and say that I’m there because I believed in my happy thoughts which became my reality.

I’m almost there.

Love, Albesa

You, your enviroment and making changes

[6:00 PM / Wednesday / January 17 2018]

We’re surrounded by so many people, so many things, so many options that we get lost trying to pick the best of everything. What is the best according to you? People surround themselves with so many other people. While trying to be in good terms with everyone, there’s a possibility you’ll end up having zero people you can call when you need someone to talk to. I’ve said this so many times but please be aware that no matter how nice you are, not everyone will like you. Be aware of the fact that you’ll never be able to please everyone. Write down people’s names and circle the ones who you can be truly honest with. Those are the ones who are worth it. Make sure you stay close only to those people who make you feel good. Make sure the people you’re surrounded by meet your standards of being a good friend. So, the best option according to me is to be friends with people who are there for you as much as you are there for them. Keep your circle small and appreciate the ones who never let you down. Make sure they know you’re thankful for them and that they can count on you anytime. If someone does something that damages your well-being, you have every right to distance yourself from them. Mental health and stability are priceless and no one has the right to take a piece of it from you. When it comes to money and material things, I try to save as much as possible and not spend my money on things I don’t need. For example: even though I don’t own a crazy lot of clothes, I still want to spend less money on it because I know I don’t need it as much as I buy it. I bought a lot of clothes in the past that ended up being worn only once or twice which is an unnecessary waste. I want to learn to manage my money better and not buy something just because I like it for a day or two. I’m teaching myself financial responsibility that way. I know I won’t always be able to afford something I will like and I don’t want to let that cause me negative emotions. I’m happy that I’m able to let it go and say ”It’s fine, I don’t need it anyway.” This proves that I don’t find satisfaction in material things more than I should which is a good sign. I’m learning every day. I’ve been appreciating time more than ever before because I spent so much of it not making any changes. I want to make a change every day now. A change that will help me feel better, live better and be a better person. It’s such a shame that we don’t see our possibilities and everything we’re capable of doing. It’s such a shame that we let our mindset us limits that in reality don’t even exist. It’s such a shame that we start to think we are what other people think of us. You’re doing good even when you think you’re wasting your time, you’re not to fat for that t-shirt, you’re not being lame when you’re being yourself. You’re so much more than your doubts. You’re so much more than an opinion of someone who doesn’t like you. People fail at different things many times but the key to success is not giving up. Fail, stand up, try again. Every failure is a lesson. Don’t judge yourself based on your past mistakes. Accept everything that happened and move on. The thing is that we change so much every day that we don’t even realize. We come to the point where we say ,,I’m not even that person anymore”, and it’s so true. You’re not your mistakes and everything you could have done better. I haven’t done big mistakes that haunt me but I do have some things I wish I could have done better. It’s fine I say. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t go back and change anything. What happened, happened. The point of your mistakes is to teach you things you’re not gonna do next time you find yourself in a simmilar situation. Pick the good things such as patience, tolerance, optimism out of everything bad. Those things are priceless. They can’t be given, they can’t be bought. They can only be found within you if you want to. If you can change something, do it. If you can’t, accept it and move on with your life. There are many things waiting for you to open your eyes while you’re sleeping and dreaming about changing something that can’t be changed.

I hope all of this makes some sense. Take care of yourself and the enviroment you’re in. We got this, my dear people. 

Love, Albesa

Who are you?

[2:24 AM / Friday / January 12 2018]

I’m not sure how this story is gonna turn out. I’m full of thoughts that I don’t know how to turn into words. I’ll try my best. Anyway, let’s start. I’m in that place in my life where all I want to do is work on myself and improve my life as much as possible. I’m in that place in my life where I no longer have space for negative energy, self-doubt and other ugly things that have dragged me down over the last four years. I don’t want to be on that same path anymore. I’m determined to grow as a person and learn about myself and the world as much as I possibly can. I’m working very hard on achieving stability, peace, harmony and confidence. I’m very happy about the fact that I’m so down for personal development and I’m even happier that I want to become the best version of myself for myself and not for someone else. It’s so imporant to work on accepting yourself the way you are and not feel pressured to be what other people expect you to be. I’ve been judged for my weight, my acne, my ears, my eyebrows and more. I have heard people commenting on my voice and the sound of my laughter which is honestly kind of crazy. Over the years, I became very self-conscious about everything written above. I started starving myself so I can be skinny as I was expected to be. I started to speak a little softer so that my voice wouldn’t sound raspy. I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. Everything I thought about was the fact that ‘I wasn’t enough’. Everyone around me seemed to be so much better than me. I spent so much time having ugly and poisonous thoughts in my mind and then I asked myself: Who are you?I had no answers to that question. All I knew about myself was that I was unhappy. I had to make some changes as soon as possible. I became so self-conscious and so anxious about everything. I couldn’t leave the house without having anxiety attacks. I isolated myself and so many things changed. I started to spend time with myself and the things I love doing. I occupied myself with my own little world. I didn’t feel the need to impress anyone in my own little world, that’s why it felt so good and peaceful. My little world accepted me the way I was, which I hadn’t had felt in a long time. Little by little, my mindset started to change. My voice is raspy and I accept it. My acne isn’t that bad at all. My ear is really not ugly. This is what my world told me and guess what? I started to bring my own little world with me everywhere I went. It feels strange because I’m still struggling but I’m working on it. I want to get rid of self-doubt completely. I want to be able to talk to people without having to worry about what they’re gonna think of me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s a work in progress. What I’ve noticed about myself is that I’ve come to the point where I feel like I know the person that I am. The girl I see in the mirror is not going to look back anymore because looking back makes her feel the same old pain over and over again. The girl I see in the mirror wants to move on and let go everything that’s been dragging her down. The girl I see in the mirror wants to live life peacefully, surrounded by people who appreciate her the way she appreciates them. I believe in improving myself and I want to do that every single day. Every single day is a new chance for learning something new about yourself and the world. Make the most out of your days. Appreciate your time. Work so hard on yourself until you’re no longer worried about the sound of your voice or the acne on your face. Work so hard on yourself until you no longer think that whatever you say sounds lame. Work so hard on yourself until you no longer feel the need to switch between three other versions of yourself depending on who you’re surrounded with. Work hard on yourself even after you’ve achieved what you wanted to achieve. You can never be too good or too smart or too nice. Be humble, be greatful, be nice to people, be nice to yourself. I hope all of you, my dear people,  including myself, make the most out of your life. I hope we all get to see that there’s so much more than pain, disappointments, doubt and sleepless nights. 

I ask myself; ‘Who are you?’ And guess what? I can’t choose between so many words I could say. Progress is precious.

Love, Albesa

A list of to-do things (kind of)

[11:37 PM / Monday / January 1 2018]

Another year of ups and downs is over. I thought about it a lot and it really was full of ups and downs, pretty much unstable to cut it short. I lost a lot of things and I gained a lot of things. Not too bad but not too good either. Out of every year I survived until now, this one was the hardest one for sure. I made it, I kept going, I’m alive and that’s why I’m saying; not too bad. I’d like to share with you a few things that I told myself I’m gonna work on more in the future. Let’s start with this one; avoid negative energy the way you avoid getting hit by a car. It doesn’t matter if you suffer from any kind of mental illness or not, take care of the enviroment you’re in. If something feels off and you can’t do anything about it, stay away from it for your own well-being. There’s a reason why it feels off and from my own experience, I believe a humans intuition is almost always the best thing to follow. I tell myself; believe in yourself more. The way people see you is not the way you are, it’s how they are. What people think of you and the things you do doesn’t define you at all. Some people will think you’re lame, some people will think you’re awesome. But that’s totally fine, we can’t be loved by everybody anyway. The sooner we understand that, the better. I tell myself: be nice to people. Always treat people the way you want to be treated. Choose your words carefully and try staying calm when you’re under control of negative emotions. I tell myself: don’t compare yourself to other people. Don’t let other people’s success cause you negative emotions such as jealousy and self-doubt. Try seeing it as motivation instead. Let it inspire you and help you with your journey. How much you work for it is how much you’ll get it. It depends on none else but you. Another thing I tell myself: be your own best friend and don’t screw yourself. I’m saying this because I’m that person who always tries so hard to make everyone happy even if it means I have to let myself down. That is so wrong and irresponsible. It’s wrong and irresponsible because I try so hard to take care of my own well-being and then I do something that damages it. I must stop with that. I must set some limits. My advice for everyone including myself: let things go. Broken friendships,  relationships, dissapointments… Give yourself some time to go through it but make sure you don’t lose yourself in all the darkness. Accept things the way they are and move on. This includes people as well. If something you had with someone didn’t work once, twice or three times, it’s your time to finally get into your head that you’re no longer compatible with that one person you thought was the one, as a friend or as a lover, it doesn’t really matter. You can’t change anyone but yourself. You can’t keep thinking that ‘it’s gonna be different this time’ when the person you have a problem with doesn’t even see the wrongs they do to you. To keep yourself stable, stay close to what you love. People, places, hobbies. Spend your time with people who make who make you feel good, people who you can learn something from and people who inspire you. Go to places that make you feel happy you’re alive. Go to places where your hearts tells you to go. Do the things you’re passionate about. Whatever you do, make sure you do it with love. The last important thing I have to say: make sure you’re aware that you still have so much to learn. About yourself, about your family, about your friends, about strangers, about the world. There are so many good things you’ll discover that are gonna help you become the best version of yourself. Keep working on yourself and your personal development. Once you’re there don’t forget to help others get there too. 

I wish you love and light, my dear people.

Love, Albesa 

Good things about bad things

[10:45 PM / Sunday / December 10 2017]

Writing has always had a therapeutic effect on me. Wherever/whenever I’m down, I find myself reaching for my notebook and writing it all out. Maybe my notebook can handle my feelings better than someone who loves me and doesn’t want me to feel like this. It’s always hard to tell someone I’m not there yet, or that my well-being is still shaky  and unstable. I feel like they don’t ask me about it as much thinking I will be better the next time they ask me about it, and hearing I’m still not there must be as hard for them as it’s for me while saying that. I hate when people worry about me; in one hand I’m thankful that someone cares about me the way I care about them but in the other hand, I know everyone is  already struggling with something and hearing about my struggles and battles while dealing with their own is never pleasing. I know I feel so helpless when that same thing happens to me. I realized a long time ago that there are no words that can describe some feelings. There are no words that can give someone a perception of my feelings, or maybe I just haven’t found them yet. By the way people react to my words, I can tell they don’t understand how I feel which is completely fine. I’ve written it before and I’m writing it again; people don’t really understand something they haven’t experienced by themselves. I don’t know if it has to do with capabilty or something else, it doesn’t even matter at this point. I kind of lost my point in this story but I think you’ll get what I’m trying to say. I’m truly thankful for the people who take the time to check on me every now and then, not because I remind them of struggles all the time but because they remember it themselves. Knowing that someone listents to you is a nice feeling whether they understand what you’re saying or not. Just taking the time to ask me how I’m doing is more than enough. My younger sister often tells me; ”you always know what to say, you’re the only person I can talk to like this”, I don’t feel like I always know what to say but regardless, I’m so happy my words can help someone even just a little bit. I’m happy I’ve learned so much from struggling and that the things I’ve learned can help someone else find their path. I’m also happy that I manage to find something good in all of these bad things I often feel. It’s been almost a year of me writing about my life like this. It has helped me so much in so many ways. It has helped me with my sleep which is very bad, my peace that I definitely need, and mostly my words and expression. I don’t know where I would be right know if I had to keep for myself everything I let out on here. This blog comes the closest to what’s on my mind, my heart and soul. I can’t believe how much it helped me in keeping myself together. The best part about it; I opened up about everything and nothing bad happened which is often not the case while opening up to people. By nothing bad I mean it never made anyone stressed, worried or disappointed which is a possibility when someone is listening to me in person. To everyone who listens to me; please don’t worry about me. I will make it to so many more sunshines as long as I’m willing to try again everytime there’s a storm inside of me. I will keep trying until there’s a big colorful rainbow around my heart.

Please be aware of the fact that whatever you’re going through is making you learn and grow. Try taking your battles as lessons that are teaching you a lot of good things such as patience, self-growth, tolerance, being more open-minded and being more mature than you ever thought you could be. Those qualities are very important for your future self and they are also very rare. Once you get there, you’ll look back and say; ”It was painful as hell, but I’m stronger than ever now. Thanks to everything I had to face, I became my own champion.”

Love, Albesa

A result of a sleepless night

[7:52 AM / Monday / November 27 2017]

I’m starting this post without really knowing how it’s gonna end. I just want to write something because my chest is starting to feel a little heavy. I haven’t slept all night, a little because of my messed up sleeping schedule, a little because of my anxiety that usually kicks in before I put my phone down right when I’m about to sleep. I’m getting better though, I’m excited about occupying myself with what is good for me. I’m not a professional when it comes to mental health, I don’t always have the right words to say to a person who is dealing with something hurtful. I’m not sure if I can always console another person and make them feel better about a certain situation. What I do know is that I understand people more than ever. Being depressed all my teenage years made me learn so much about humans, how it all works, why it works like that and, of course, how to stop it. I’ve watched so many videos, documentaries and tv shows, I’ve read so many articles and books trying to find answers to my question which was ”how do I get out of this”. How do I stop suffering so much, how do I stop letting every single thing hurt me. The thing is that over the years we create a certain image of everything and everyone around us. The image we have is what we believe is truthful and once we find out we’ve been fooled by our own selves and others, it’s a big thing to deal with because you pretty much feel like your entire life was a lie before you actually saw the truth. We all expect big things from ourselves which we may not achieve at the same exact time we want to. That exact thing happened to me. The image I had of some things were so perfect and once I got to see the truth it broke my heart into a million tiny pieces and four years later I’m still on that same boat picking up those tiny pieces of my broken heart. I’ve been disappointed, hurt, lied to, fooled, left behind. I was dealing with multiple eating disorders at the time when it all started. I had noticed becoming anxious because of the way I thought / saw about myself. To cut it short, I became an incredible mess. I couldn’t deal with myself and how I felt all the time. Years after, I’m here writing this post knowing that to this day, no matter how I’ve felt, I’ve survived 100% of those awful days. From the absolute worst ones, to those a little bit better ones and to these ones right now when I feel smarter than ever. More hopeful than ever and more mature than ever. It’s good to know that even though I’ve been depressed most of my time over the last four years, I still managed to get up and live through everything. Depression took a lot from me. I islolated myself which is why my ‘friends’ gave up on me (I’m actually thankful for this because, in my opinion, a person who is not there for you when you’re at your worst can’t be your friend), I failed my driving test so many times because I couldn’t focus and drive properly which made me question if I’m even capable of driving. I was forced to drop out of college because I couldn’t study for all of my exams, which was a huge disappointment for my parents who are the ones I love and cherish more than anyone else. I was forced to deal with the thought of being ‘stupid’ for a little while, until I got profesionally diagnosed with depresson and anxiety which explains why my concentration drops all of a sudden or why I can’t sleep when I need to sleep. Depression either makes you sleep too much or it either takes your sleep away which happened to me. No sleep, no concentration, no nothing. All you do is just overthink, worry and stress. How is a human being supposed to function like that? Study with zero concentration? Drive with zero concentraction? I’m actually thankful I haven’t gotten my license yet because to be fair, my depression could take over me any time which means concentration drop which could lead to a car accident and that’s definitely not how a mature person acts. If you know you’re not in a state for something, just don’t do it. Don’t risk things getting even worse than they already are. Stay patient and smart. I know it’s hard to deal with things, I know it’s hard to deal with your ‘failures’. Remind yourself that depression is not something you choose, which means that you didn’t choose to fail at anything. Remind yourself that you’ve gained so much from being hurt, you’ve proved yourself that at the end of the day, you can still close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and just remind yourself that you’re still alive. To me, that is a strong person. A person who keeps going, a person who keeps hoping and fighting for their progress in life no matter the fact that they’ve been broken for such a long time. I wish I could express how much love and hope I have for people who struggle to live normally yet they make it to another sunshine every single day. If you’re one of those people, let me tell you that I’m proud of you. Never stop working on yourself, never stop hoping and never think of yourself as ‘not good enough.’ You’re so much more than just enough. I’m not sure if there’s such a thing as perfect timing but if there is one, yours is about to come. Everything you thought you would never achieve will come to you, just stay patient and keep trying. Chin up, keep going. We got this.

My heart broke down into a million tiny pieces of pain, but I’m picking up pieces of hope now.

Love, Albesa

Romantic relationships mixed with personal issues

”You’re 20 years old and you’ve never had a boyfriend?!”; that’s how people usually react when I tell them I’ve never been in a relationship. I know most people my age have had plenty of relationships but that’s basically it. They had them but they don’t have them anymore. Big congratulations to those who made it, I’m very happy for them. Being young and wanting to fit in makes us do things we usually wouldn’t do and I think the same thing happens with having a boyfriend/girlfriend. A lot of young people (not only young people though) just want to have fun, experience different things they’ve never experienced before and just feel some kind of thrill I guess. Being raised in a conservative family, which I believe has had quite a big impact on me and my behavior, I’ve never felt the need to experiment with boys, girls, relationships and stuff like that. I’ve always known that by being in a relationship where there is no love, I would only disappoint myself by doing something I never thought was the right thing to do. I’m happy that I’ve always been aware of the fact that relationships established without love, trust, respect and equality are gonna end soon or later. Knowing that, saved me from hurting myself and someone else. I don’t think it’s fine to use someone else’s feelings for your own entertainment. Relationships are complicated and stressful when there’s no general connection between two people. I haven’t experienced it myself but I’ve seen so many people getting hurt because there was no communication and no connection in the relationship they were in. In my opinion, two people who are in a relationship must be comfortable with each other, be best friends with each other and feel the freedom to say how they feel or think. Breakups happen when people jump in it for the wrong reasons which are often these ones: loneliness, boredom, insecurities, pressure to do it because everyone else is doing it or pressure because they’re ”running out of time’… Some of those things are the things that an individual has to work on by themselves. Those are not the things that another person can make better for you. If you know you’re not in a really good place in your life, take the time to find something that’s not gonna make you feel bored when you’re alone. Take the time to work on what makes you insecure about yourself, take the time to learn how to be your own best friend when none else is around. It’s not easy but it’s definitely easier than expecting those things from someone else. None is gonna walk into your life and solve your personal issues. The other person probably has their own issues to deal with. When you feel complete with your own self, that’s when you know you can connect with someone else. The only time you’ll be yourself is when you’ve accepted yourself the way you are and you embrace yourself no matter what other people might think about you. So basically, before you rush into a relationship because you feel some kind of pressure, make sure you know that the consequences of your choices can lead to heartbreak, pain, disappointment, trust issues, and many other problems. Having personal issues, I don’t think you need even more issues to deal with. Be smart, there’s enough time for everything. Love will happen to you sooner or later, but I think it won’t happen until you’ve given love to yourself first.

Love, Albesa

You live for yourself, I live for myself

Yes, you live for yourself. Not for your mom, dad, sisters, brothers, friends or whoever comes to your mind. This is your life. It’s the only thing you can control as much as you want. I’ve always been the kind of person who likes to live their way. I don’t like rules. I don’t like to do things others want me to, such a thing makes me extremely anxious because there are things people want me to do that I don’t feel passionate about and doing things without love and passion has always resulted with failure. And I know it because I’ve been there and I’ve done that. I kept things to myself to keep others protected and it was a failure because it did so much damage to me. I felt fire caused by so many things burning inside of me, yet I had to act ice-cold so that people wouldn’t be worried about me. You know what? I don’t think I’m that ”protective” anymore. I look around and I don’t see a single person who does the same thing as me. I never do things expecting to get something in return but I don’t do things expecting to suffer either. I’m done. From now on, I want to make plans that are good and convenient for me without thinking about what others will think about it. That is not my problem. I don’t want to deal with that. I choose to free myself from that. It may sound selfish but, my dear people, we will never be able to please everyone. Never ever. There is no such a thing. What we are able to do is please ourselves. We must live the lives we want to, the lives that are results of our own decisions made with love and passion. My therapist once told me; ”Albesa, you’re acting like a superhero. You must never hurt yourself in order to keep someone else safe. That’s not the role you have in your life.” I thought about it a lot and yes, it’s true. I can’t save people from life and getting hurt. All of the things we go through are life. Sometimes they’re the consequences of our decisions, sometimes they’re not. What I’m trying to say is that we should make decisions that make us happy. Decisions that don’t bring hurtful consequences along. Decisions that give us hope, positive energy and something to look forward to. That’s the least we can do for ourselves. About what others do; we can have opinions but we can’t stop anyone from their decisions. The result of their decisions is going to hurt them more than anyone else but we can’t stop it, we can’t prevent it. We make decisions based on what we want and sometimes what we want is not the best for us but that’s not something we know while making a certain decision. If people knew something is going to hurt them, I don’t think they would do it. When people repeat their mistakes, when they keep doing things that hurt them in the past, they do it because they think that it’s gonna be ”different this time.” People will live, make decisions, make mistakes, get hurt, learn, keep going, be happy and more. I’ll figure it out, we’ll figure it out, they’ll figure it out. That’s why I choose to live for myself, I choose not to worry so much about what I can’t do. If my decisions hurt me, I accept it. I accept it as long as I know that I made those decisions thinking they were the best for me. If I did it thinking they for the best for someone else, then I choose to think that suffering is my punishment from the universefor not doing what I must to; taking care of myself and being my own priority. Stop thinking so much about others and give more love and attention to yourself. Care more about yourself. None else is going to do that for me. Or for you. That’s one of a kind thing that has to be done by ourselves and for ourselves. That’s our role in life.

You can do things for other people, of course you can. Just make sure they don’t make you unhappy. Make sure they don’t affect you in a negative way. Take care of yourself.

Love, Albesa

What do you really need?

Seeing news about poor people and children so often inspired me to write this post which is me reflecting to my childhood and my life in general. I grew up surrounded by amazing people which is what I’m very thankful for. My family and I lived in the same house as my uncle, aunt and cousins until I was 13 years old so I definitely do feel like I had 4 parents, which sounds kind of funny. My parents, my uncle and my aunt have offered everything and more to me, my sibilings and my cousins. They made sure we had absolutely everything. We never suffered. We had good people looking after us, we had a lot more food than we really needed and material things such as clothes, shoes and toys that every child likes to have. To cut it short, the life we had and the childhood we had is just amazing. We never really felt like there’s something missing because our parents made sure we had everything that we really needed. I don’t know what it’s like to suffer for food and water like some children do. I don’t know what it’s like to get beaten up every day because alcohol or drugs took over my parents. I feel absolutely heartbroken when I stop for a second and think about the fact that not every child lives the life I lived. Every child, no matter their background, deserves everything needed for a happy and normal life. Children learn fast and they feel things we probably aren’t aware of. They also remember things that we probably don’t think they do which makes me be extra careful with my little brother. I’m not a professional but I would like to address that children can experience trauma at a very young age which can cause problems later in life. If we can help somehow, we should definitely do it. Donating to charity and orphanages is probably the easiest form of help we can offer, yet we never really do it. (If you already do that, great for you!) Maybe we should turn around and see more than just ourselves and our problems. Of course, we’re supposed to take care of ourselves but we should definitely consider doing something for someone who is not able to do the same. Please make sure you value everything that you’ve been offered. Being generally grateful for everything in life is a much easier way of living because instead of counting things you don’t have you actually give attention to the things you do have. A human’s wish to have more is so big, bigger than our imagination. I’m not saying that it’s bad to have wishes but as long as your happiness depends on having more clothes, a better phone or an expensive car, you’ll never really get to know real happiness. In my opinion, true happiness is nothing more and nothing less than our feelings and how we look at the things in life. If we counted our blessings and what we have already have, we would be much happier people, we would stop wishing for more all the time. People like me including myself, who has always had a stable life should be aware of how big of a deal that is. We should appreciate that we haven’t experienced that kind of pain and try helping someone who is not that lucky. Be happy with what you have now, know the value of having a family, being healthy and financially stable. If you want more, make sure you earned it and make sure it’s worth it. Ask yourself this question; ‘what do I really need’? The answer is not going to be that complicated because the list of things we really need is short. Make sure you always go after what you really need first, because that’s where you’ll find true happiness. The rest of the things you want are the things you can have much easier. If you are in a position to do so, help someone else get something from their list of things they really need. That’s probably one of the most beautiful thing you can do, not only for the other person, but for yourself as well. 

The purest form of love is helping others without expecting anything in return.

Love, Albesa

Wishing, hoping and fighting

I don’t ever want my rivers to stop flowing. I don’t ever want them to be lifeless. I want them to be as loud as a child screaming or as the alarm you set five times to make sure you wake up in time. I want my world to be a happy place, not a place where my pain sleeps. I have many wishes. All of them are related to peace, happiness, stability and health. That’s all I really want. Sometimes my wishes feel like something I’ll never have, something that is absolutely impossible. Sometimes my wishes feel like the wind that I can’t see but I can feel. I can’t see my wishes because I haven’t achieved them yet but I can feel them coming way. It’s strange and I don’t know if I’m making any sense. Everything feels strange today, every breath, every thought, every glass of water that I drink. Nothing that I write describes exactly how I feel. I’d say I feel like a mountain crashing down or like a volkano erupting, something like that. This journey is long and painful and I no longer feel the energy I used to feel. I no longer feel like I can keep up with my pain. Maybe it’s not about if I can or if I can’t, maybe it’s about the fact that I don’t want to. I don’t want to live in pain. I want to wake up not feeling the heavy weight on my chest. Who did this to me? Who is responsible for this? Could I have handled things better in the past? Was this really something I had to experience? There are so many questions in my head and honestly, I don’t even know why I’m looking for answers because I know I won’t find them. These questions won’t really solve anything so I better let them go, I better let them sleep somewhere in the back of my mind. I’m hopeful for the future. I’m hoping that someday soon, I’ll wake up in peace. I’m hoping that someday soon, my world will be a happy place like I want it to be. I’m hoping that someday soon, my days won’t be empty like today. I’m hoping while I’m fighting. I haven’t felt energetic in a long time but I know it’s somewhere inside of me. And I know it will come out when I’ll need it the most. Maybe it’s coming out every day but in small doses so that it can surprise me when I think there is non of it left. Let’s hope it’s that. My dear people, I hope I’ll have a story titled ‘I’m happy’ soon. Until then, try finding something good about my pain. For example, that it taught me patience and tolerance. Or the fact that I’m still here fighting for those good days. I’m not planning on giving up, that’s not one of my options. I hope it’s not yours either. 

Love, Albesa

Beauty?

What is beautiful? Who do you ask if someone/something is beautiful? Are other people the ones who dictate your beauty or do you listen to yourself? I’ve been thinking about this lately and I realized that people are so pressured to listen to others and their beauty standards. Listen to me, my dear people. I’m not an ‘important’ person’, people don’t know me and I’m not people’s role model. The world itself is diverse. There are so many beautiful creatures on earth. Different people, different animals, different plants, different everything. The world has no rules when it comes to beauty. You can’t set beauty standards for people who are completely different from you. Different people like different things, is that really that hard to understand? You set your own standards and that’s it. That’s where you stop. That is your only right. And you know why? Because it’s about you. And as long as it’s about you, it’s fine because you’re the one who decides how you’re gonna live your life. As I said, that’s when you’re done. What other people do, how they dress, how they do their makeup,  how they live their lives is none of my or your business. Who am I to tell someone else how to dress? Who are you to tell someone else how to dress? As diverese people that we are, we can’t expect everyone to like everything. No. That’s simply impossible and that’s why I’m so against beauty standards. Not everyone will like what I like. Not everyone will like the way I dress. But that’s fine. I’m fine with that as long as there is respect. I’m not asking anyone to like what I do and neither should you. The only person that should like how you live your life is you. That’s what matters the most. We should never judge people because of their clothes, makeup, hair color, financial status, race, religion, ethnicity, sex orientation…To cut it short, we should never judge each other. We should never make someone else feel bad because they live their lives the way they want to and not the way others want them to. The world is cruel enough the way it is but it’s still possible to make the world around ourselves a little bit nicer. We can’t change the entire world but we can change our worlds. Make sure the world you live in is full of positivity, happiness and joy. Make sure your world is yours and not someone else’s. Live your life however you want to, make yourself happy by doing things you want to do and don’t listen to people who don’t accept you for who you are. I support diveristy. Diversity is beauty. I support myself and everyone different from me in any aspect. What matters is having a beautiful heart, a beautiful mind and a beautiful soul. The rest of beautifuls is your choice and all I can do about it is respect it. The fear of judgment is prison for souls. Don’t judge people. Don’t make people afraid. Don’t prison others. Work on yourself, work on your happiness and do what you want to do. What others do is not your choice. If it’s not your choice, why bother? 

Love, Albesa

Positive thoughts: it’s time to move on

I’ve gone through all of my posts recently and while reading them one by one, I realized I had so many ups and downs. Some posts are full of motivation and some of them are full of misery. I’m not really surprised because my mental health has been a rollercoaster for a long time now. Sometimes it’s just fine, sometimes it’s energetic and sometimes it’s miserable and dark. I know it’s impossible to predict the future but if I could, I would definitely consider predicting my own. One of the main reasons is because I worry about everything. Things that happened a long time ago, things that are happening right now and things that I don’t even know are gonna happen. I worry about every little thing, it’s hardly controlable. Things just get to me and instantly make me sad which is why I’m not emotionally stable yet. I’ve been wondering why does it happen to me and when did it start. I do have an idea that partly explains it but I’m not sure. My world used to be a happy place, a very happy place. Out of all the ‘friends’ I ever had, I must say that I was the one who was always laughing, telling bad jokes that somehow ended up being funny and just carefree. That was my world. When I faced real struggles like eating disorders, family problems that were not money related, my world crashed down, I got lost and all of a sudden, I had a lot of things to worry about. I became anxious, depressed, lost my ‘friends’ and stopped being the outgoing and happy-all-the-time person. It’s fine though. I want to share with you, my dear people, that I’m learning every single day. Learning about peace, about harmony, about growth and so many other things that are good for me. I’ve always been an optimist and that’s one of the things that have never changed. I did lose hope, I did lose motivation but deep down I always knew it would get better which is, I guess, what kept me going on. From now on, I want to write about progress, happines, future plans… I don’t want to write about things that happened it the past anymore. I know I’m still gonna mention some things because they are a big part of my life but I feel like it’s time for me to move forward and not pay so much attention to things I can’t change. I don’t want to worry about it anymore, I want to accept the things that happened, I want to accept my mistakes, other peoples mistakes and move on. I want to get my happy world back but in a much wiser and mature version. That’s my goal. I’m happy that I’m motivated for progress. I’m happy that I’m not doubting myself getting better. I’m more than ever ready to dedicate all of my time and energy to my health and growth. The time I spent crying because of my depression taught me incredible patience but now it’s time to give my all to getting out of the darkness that I got lost in a few years ago. It’s time for some light that humans tend to leave turned off after the bulb breaks. You can carefully replace the broken bulb and then turn on the light again. You can take your broken pieces and make something amazing out of it. My dear people, with a lot of love and a lot of hope, I am saying it again- one step at a time, we got this!

Love, Albesa

It’s up to you

I’m aware that literally everything that I write is somehow related to depression. It’s imporant for me to mention that depression and anxiety have changed me a lot in so many ways and even though I’ve suffered a lot I know I’ve learned a lot as well which I’ve written before. While being at my lowest and while not knowing what to do to help myself feel better, I got lost in trying to get better by talking to other people instead of talking to myself. Only now when I started my recovery do I realize that it was always up to me and that I’ve always been the only person who could change my life for the better because it was me who had to make life-changing decisions. I’m very thankful for every single invidiual who talked to me while I was down. I’m very thankful for every single individual who wanted to help me. Now that I’ve made some big changes in my life such as leaving college in order to get better, I realize how imporant it is to listen to yourself and your needs. I thought I could make it at college while feeling low but it didn’t work. It pushed me backward more than I could push it forward. I never thought I could make a decision like that because leaving school was unacceptable for my parents who didn’t even know about my depression until two weeks ago when I told them about it in the middle of the night. It does feel awful to see their faces while telling them so many sad things but I had to do it sooner or later. I opened up to my mom and dad who I never thought could understand my problems. I’m sure they don’t understand it but at least I have their support to start my regular therapy which I had to do a long time ago. I’m sorry that college didn’t work but I know exactly why it happened. It’s fine, I’ll try again when I’m ready. I’m happy because I finally helped myself. Now that I helped myself, I realize that I can’t help someone else. I can support their journey but I can’t help them in a way a person can help themselves. I can’t help someone else by making decisions for them just like none could do that for me. I know a lot of us have bad habits that are hard to leave behind, a lot of things we think we’ll never get over but we will have to. Life will keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. It’s not enough to just hope for the better. It’s not enough to just wish for the better. The thing that is enough is fighting for it while hoping and wishing. Things can’t get better by themselves because you’re the one who controls them. You control if you’re gonna let something go or stick to it even though you know it’s not good for you. If you want to change your life, you can. I never thought this day would come but my dear people, based on my personal experience, I’m more than ever sure that action is the only way to success, not matter what it is. I can talk to you day and night, I can give you whatever you want but unless you do that for yourself, it’s not gonna work. If you know something is not good for you, don’t force it. Whatever it is, don’t force it. Rather it’s friendship, relationship, college, work or whatever, if you tried and pushed it and it didn’t work, you know it’s time to leave. Don’t expect life to change by itself. It’s your life and it’s a reflection of your actions and decisions. If you don’t like that reflection, just know that you can always change it for the better, any day, any time. It’s up to you, only you. 

Love, Albesa

I’m not where I want to be, I haven’t achieved what I want to achieve but I’ve made decisions that will improve my life. It gets better. One step at a time. If you’re struggling like me, be patient and positive, we got this.

Explaining yourself and getting over it

I wish my pain could go away as fast as these cars that are effortlessly passing by. I wish my pain could go away as fast as the colors of the traffic lights. I wish my feelings were like a glass of water, but a glass of feelings instead, so I could break it, get rid of it and forget it ever existed. I wish, I wish… It’s a cold rainy day but it’s beautiful. It feels good to go outside, breathe some fresh air and let your thoughts go wherever they need to. No wonder it’s so peaceful, it’s almost 2AM and I’m outside walking around getting my inspiration from this much needed peace. It’s been rough lately so being on my own and writing about it when there’s none around does nothing but good to me. The wind feels like a friend to me, it feels something like a friend’s hand touching your back while they are hugging you. Is that strange? Maybe. Today I realized what I’ve learned from being depressed and here are a couple of things that I wanted to share with you my dear people. First of all and one of the most important things to keep in mind is this one; don’t expect people to understand you or your depression. I realized a long time ago that people usually have a hard time understanding something they haven’t experienced themselves. The second thing that I must mention is this one; while going through the worst time of your life, you’re gonna explain yourself so many times, you’re gonna get exhausted so many times and the worst thing about it is that you’re not gonna gain anything from it. Absolutely anything. There will be times when you’ll be called ‘lazy’ or ‘party-breaker’ and honestly, you’re just gonna have to get over it because there’s nothing much you can do about how people ‘portray’ the consequences of your mental state. The third important thing; you’re eventually gonna stop explaining yourself. You’re just gonna stop. Your energy for those kind of things will come to an end. You’re gonna be exhausted and you’re not gonna want to waste the energy that’s left in you on worrying about what people think but on your recovery. I know it sounds weird, but if you’ve experienced this, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about and if you haven’t yet, wait for it, it’s gonna happen sooner or later. The fourth thing; learn to stay patient, keep trying and be aware that better days are coming sooner than you think. We got this.

Love, Albesa