All over the place

Wednesday / August 26, 2020

I’ve noticed myself feeling more and more lost. I haven’t written a proper story in a long time. I haven’t really expressed my emotions in a long time. I feel like I’m losing myself a little bit, and it doesn’t feel good at all. So many things have happened in the last 3 months, very heavy and hard things. My grandma died last year, my grandpa died two months ago, the situation at home isn’t the best, I’m not doing great either. I spent a month at home in Kosovo hoping it would help me, and it did, but once I came back home to Croatia, I noticed my mental health getting worse and worse day by day. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I can’t stop sleeping because of how tired and exhausted I am. I don’t really know how to help myself. I see my mom isn’t doing great either and it breaks my heart. She lost both of her parents. There’s nothing I can do, I know, and sitting with that fact is just so hard for me because I’m always the one who’s looking for solutions. I have three exams left to pass. I’m hoping for the best but expecting the worst. I wish I could put in the work properly and be sure that things are gonna turn out fine, but that’s not the case at the moment. I’m still gonna try my best; I’m gonna study as hard as I can. My cousin who is also my best friend got engaged and is moving to Germany next year. My other best friend is moving to Germany too, but in a month and a half. I’m just thinking how much I’m gonna miss both of them. They’re a big part of my life and I truly don’t know how my life is gonna feel knowing that I can’t see them whenever I want to. Still happy for them and the opportunities they’ll get once they move. I guess we’ll be fine. Things are just weird at the moment. Everything feels a little weird. Also, I’m getting myself into something that I’ve never experienced before. I don’t want to talk about it too much, but I eventually will if I see it’s worth it. Not sure how I feel about it at the moment, I’ll see over the next couple weeks / months. I don’t really know what to write anymore. This story is all over the place, but that’s how I’ve been feeling anyway. May I find strength to keep going and do my best no matter the struggles.

Love and light,

♡ Albesa 

Romantic relationships mixed with personal issues

”You’re 20 years old and you’ve never had a boyfriend?!”; that’s how people usually react when I tell them I’ve never been in a relationship. I know most people my age have had plenty of relationships but that’s basically it. They had them but they don’t have them anymore. Big congratulations to those who made it, I’m very happy for them. Being young and wanting to fit in makes us do things we usually wouldn’t do and I think the same thing happens with having a boyfriend/girlfriend. A lot of young people (not only young people though) just want to have fun, experience different things they’ve never experienced before and just feel some kind of thrill I guess. Being raised in a conservative family, which I believe has had quite a big impact on me and my behavior, I’ve never felt the need to experiment with boys, girls, relationships and stuff like that. I’ve always known that by being in a relationship where there is no love, I would only disappoint myself by doing something I never thought was the right thing to do. I’m happy that I’ve always been aware of the fact that relationships established without love, trust, respect and equality are gonna end soon or later. Knowing that, saved me from hurting myself and someone else. I don’t think it’s fine to use someone else’s feelings for your own entertainment. Relationships are complicated and stressful when there’s no general connection between two people. I haven’t experienced it myself but I’ve seen so many people getting hurt because there was no communication and no connection in the relationship they were in. In my opinion, two people who are in a relationship must be comfortable with each other, be best friends with each other and feel the freedom to say how they feel or think. Breakups happen when people jump in it for the wrong reasons which are often these ones: loneliness, boredom, insecurities, pressure to do it because everyone else is doing it or pressure because they’re ”running out of time’… Some of those things are the things that an individual has to work on by themselves. Those are not the things that another person can make better for you. If you know you’re not in a really good place in your life, take the time to find something that’s not gonna make you feel bored when you’re alone. Take the time to work on what makes you insecure about yourself, take the time to learn how to be your own best friend when none else is around. It’s not easy but it’s definitely easier than expecting those things from someone else. None is gonna walk into your life and solve your personal issues. The other person probably has their own issues to deal with. When you feel complete with your own self, that’s when you know you can connect with someone else. The only time you’ll be yourself is when you’ve accepted yourself the way you are and you embrace yourself no matter what other people might think about you. So basically, before you rush into a relationship because you feel some kind of pressure, make sure you know that the consequences of your choices can lead to heartbreak, pain, disappointment, trust issues, and many other problems. Having personal issues, I don’t think you need even more issues to deal with. Be smart, there’s enough time for everything. Love will happen to you sooner or later, but I think it won’t happen until you’ve given love to yourself first.

Love, Albesa

What do you really need?

Seeing news about poor people and children so often inspired me to write this post which is me reflecting to my childhood and my life in general. I grew up surrounded by amazing people which is what I’m very thankful for. My family and I lived in the same house as my uncle, aunt and cousins until I was 13 years old so I definitely do feel like I had 4 parents, which sounds kind of funny. My parents, my uncle and my aunt have offered everything and more to me, my sibilings and my cousins. They made sure we had absolutely everything. We never suffered. We had good people looking after us, we had a lot more food than we really needed and material things such as clothes, shoes and toys that every child likes to have. To cut it short, the life we had and the childhood we had is just amazing. We never really felt like there’s something missing because our parents made sure we had everything that we really needed. I don’t know what it’s like to suffer for food and water like some children do. I don’t know what it’s like to get beaten up every day because alcohol or drugs took over my parents. I feel absolutely heartbroken when I stop for a second and think about the fact that not every child lives the life I lived. Every child, no matter their background, deserves everything needed for a happy and normal life. Children learn fast and they feel things we probably aren’t aware of. They also remember things that we probably don’t think they do which makes me be extra careful with my little brother. I’m not a professional but I would like to address that children can experience trauma at a very young age which can cause problems later in life. If we can help somehow, we should definitely do it. Donating to charity and orphanages is probably the easiest form of help we can offer, yet we never really do it. (If you already do that, great for you!) Maybe we should turn around and see more than just ourselves and our problems. Of course, we’re supposed to take care of ourselves but we should definitely consider doing something for someone who is not able to do the same. Please make sure you value everything that you’ve been offered. Being generally grateful for everything in life is a much easier way of living because instead of counting things you don’t have you actually give attention to the things you do have. A human’s wish to have more is so big, bigger than our imagination. I’m not saying that it’s bad to have wishes but as long as your happiness depends on having more clothes, a better phone or an expensive car, you’ll never really get to know real happiness. In my opinion, true happiness is nothing more and nothing less than our feelings and how we look at the things in life. If we counted our blessings and what we have already have, we would be much happier people, we would stop wishing for more all the time. People like me including myself, who has always had a stable life should be aware of how big of a deal that is. We should appreciate that we haven’t experienced that kind of pain and try helping someone who is not that lucky. Be happy with what you have now, know the value of having a family, being healthy and financially stable. If you want more, make sure you earned it and make sure it’s worth it. Ask yourself this question; ‘what do I really need’? The answer is not going to be that complicated because the list of things we really need is short. Make sure you always go after what you really need first, because that’s where you’ll find true happiness. The rest of the things you want are the things you can have much easier. If you are in a position to do so, help someone else get something from their list of things they really need. That’s probably one of the most beautiful thing you can do, not only for the other person, but for yourself as well. 

The purest form of love is helping others without expecting anything in return.

Love, Albesa